The Obligatory [Pre-]Oscar Post

C’mon, you knew this was coming sooner or later. I blog about movies; you can’t expect me to snub the Oscars, even if they've snubbed the likes of Cary Grant and Stanley freakin' Kubrick.

*Deep breath* I digress. The Oscar nominations come out in just three more days and before they’re released, I wanted to share a sort of wishlist with all of you, and the Academy, who I’m sure bookmarked this blog long ago. Some of the items on here are, well, a little improbable but it's Martin Luther King Day and dammit, I have a dream!

I don't really know how I can top that horrible reference, so without further ado, I present my Oscar wishlist:

1. A complete Benjamin Button shut-out

Am I the only one who thought this movie was an absolute disaster? Almost anyone who’s seen it will say “It was a little too long…” but no one has the guts to speak the truth: it was crap. It pains me to admit this as a Cate Blanchett fanatic, but the characters (even hers) were bland and the story was a mess – one of the most superficial that I’ve ever seen (bet you thought that stupid backwards clock, or Hurricane Katrina tie-in, was going to go somewhere but nope sorry! We were too busy adding 43598743895 other underdeveloped and boring storylines to flesh that out). I will grant that the visuals were stunning, which is why I won’t get grumpy over an Art Direction win, but please for the love of God do not let this movie get a Best Picture nod (or even worse, win) over its far more deserving competitors. Which brings me to my second point…

2. Some Revolutionary Road love

First of all, let me say that I had to work to see this movie. I have no idea why the distributors decided to put a Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet movie in five theaters across the nation, but they did and it was pretty frustrating. It would be very easy for me to have some mild, irrational resentment towards Revolutionary Road because of the inconvenience, but I have none at all; I absolutely loved it. The movie was devastating and haunting, the questions it raised were complex and interesting and Kate and Leo gave two enthralling performances. So why oh why is it being almost completely overlooked? I truly believe it merits Best Picture and Best Director nods, but I can deal with those snubs, even though I’m seething that Benjamin Button will probably get both. It’s nothing sort of criminal, however, that Leo is almost certainly going to be ignored (yet again). If Brad “so dull I considered tearing my hair out to spice things up” Pitt gets the slot over Leo, I will be sorely disappointed. And by sorely disappointed, I mean I might punch a hole in a wall.

3. A nod for Robert Downey, Jr. in Tropic Thunder

Argue the movie’s weaknesses with me all you want, but Robert Downey, Jr. absolutely deserves a nomination for Tropic Thunder. What he pulled off was nothing sort of genius. A lesser actor would no doubt have inspired enormous public outrage, but he turned the role into one of the most hilarious in recent memory, and kept it controversy-free. He gave a quote to Entertainment Weekly in March of ’08 that pretty much sums the whole thing up (leave it to him to do everything right): “If [the part is] done right, it could be the type of role you called Peter Sellers to do 35 years ago. If you don’t do it right, we’re going to hell.” Robert, needless to say you are definitely not going to hell. (You're going to comedy heaven! High five, anyone?)

4. Slumdog Millionaire Best Picture win

Having seen all the major BP contenders, (excepting longshot The Wrestler), I’m officially pulling for Slumdog Millionaire. It’s not only one of the most inspiring movies I’ve seen in years, it’s just a wonderfully made film that deserves every one of its accolades. Now, I wouldn’t be outraged if Milk pulled an upset and took the prize, but Slumdog is still my number one and, from the way the awards season has been going, it may very well receive this honor. Lest you doubt its merit, I dare you to watch this and not hand over the award right away (if you haven't seen the movie, though, start it at about 1:07):

5. More Ricky Gervais

Let’s see: he was hilarious at the Emmys, hilarious at the Golden Globes and is generally a hilarious guy. It still mystifies me that Hugh Jackman and not Ricky is hosting the Oscars, but I’ll settle for another one of his amusing award presentations.

Oh right, and give Kate Winslet a damn Oscar!

Why "Commando" Is the Greatest Movie Ever

I used to think of myself as a semi-authority (let me repeat semi-authority) on movies, but boy was I ever delusional. Disregard everything I've ever said about them, because I hadn't realized their full potential until a few days ago, when I watched Commando. 

What is Commando you ask? Well, as my post title indicates, it's only the most amazing cinematic achievement ever. It's also a 1985 action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and teeny Alyssa Milano as an inseparable father and daughter named John and Jenny Matrix (wait, it gets better). When some baddies (including Ahnold's former military partner!) kidnap the little girl, John Matrix goes on a freakin' rampage and KILLS THEM ALL. And when I say rampage, I don't mean a wussy Mark Wahlberg rampage or a pansy Bruce Willis shoot-out. You would get pretty hammered if you took a shot every time John Matrix kills someone, with or without a gun. And by hammered, I mean you would OD. Since everyone should see this movie ASAP, I've compiled a list of 15 reasons why Commando beats the crap out of Citizen Kane:

1. The fantastic, never-ending synth music.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s muscles.
3. John Matrix’s puns, including but not limited to “Please don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired,” and “I eat Green Berets for breakfast.  And right now, I’m very hungry!”
4. The theme song “We Fight for Love” by POWER STATION (yes, the all caps are necessary).
5. John Matrix’s kill count: 81.
6. The fact that John Matrix’s swim wear is a black Speedo.
7. The most ridiculous explosion sequence I’ve ever seen, which, my friends noted, must have been Michael Bay’s career inspiration.

8. John Matrix’s minimalist comebacks.

9. The way John Matrix wills things to work for him, like a flipped car…or choppa!

10. The villainous Bennett’s insistence on wearing chainmail.

11. Two words: war paint.
12. The opening credits of John and Jenny Matrix eating ice cream, petting a deer, fishing...Arnold can be sensitive too!
13. The magical backroom of guns and rocket launchers John Matrix happens upon.
14. The inclusion of the country of Val Verde, a made-up South American nation similar to Cuba and Nicaragua that moviemakers used to avoid diplomatic complications in not just Commando but Predator and Die Hard 2.  

And finally,

15. The line “I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes…I’m going to shoot you between the balls!”  

More Angry Movie-Themed Poetry!

Before I get to that promised poetry, I was just wondering if anyone else was as excited as me for the new Clint Eastwood movie. No, not Gran Torino, silly. The eerily similar but ultimately more effective display of Eastwood's talents, The Growler.

Clint Eastwood in The Growler - watch more funny videos

See why I can't take him seriously anymore?

Now, onto the real point of this post. So I know I'm going to get accused of being a fangirl (or at the very least an unoriginal blogger) for this, but I'm pretty freakin' pissed at Fox right now. I've been going out of my mind with excitement each time I see a trailer for Watchmen (which is a lot), find a new film still or read even the teeniest blurb about it, and now I might not ever get to see it. That is not healthy, Fox. All that pent up excitement and no pay-off? I might spontaneously combust. And it would be all your fault. 

All. Your. Fault.

Since I can't pull off an angry dance quite as well as Kevin Bacon, or even Bret McKenzie, I turn to angsty poetry once again. The following is as of yet untitled, and may not live up to Ode to Nicolas Cage, but here goes nothing (please bear with me on the weird formatting; I had a couple one-word danglers, and graphics class has made me OCD about that):

Fox, you really suck. / If you were a food, the only word to describe you would be yuck. / You make me want to say something else that rhymes / With suck and yuck many, many times.

Why did you wait so long to sue over Watchmen? / Correct me if I'm wrong when / I say that - you'll know this you're so bright - / You're something called a movie studio, right?

Yeah, movie studios tend to know about this stuff. / Passing projects like the WB's under your radar is pretty tough, / Especially when it's been widely publicized since December 2005. / Were you too busy making Dr. Doolittle 3 to pay any mind?

This makes me think you don't really have a claim, / 'Cause see, most people, with or without your fame, / Tend to watch their property, rather than wait years to moan and groan / About a sure to be stunning movie they were too stupid to make on their own.

You took away Arrested Development, one of the greatest shows ever / While making Date Movie, Epic Movie and other terrible endeavors. / So please back off Warner Bros. you low-down dirty ho, / Or next time you look up and shout "save us," I'll whisper hell no.