How Do I Loathe Thee, New "10 Things I Hate About You" TV Show? Let Me Count the Ways.

Last night I saw an ad for the new 10 Things I Hate About You TV show, and was forced to confront the fact that this is not the sick joke we all wish it was. ABC Family has boldly decided to desecrate one of the greatest '90s teen comedies and one of Heath Ledger's best roles with a new series, starring kids from Camp Rock and Sky High. You know what that means: time for some angry poetry, inspired by the famous poem from the original 10 Things I Hate About You. 

I hate the way you're ruining a classic '90s movie.

If I could I'd destroy all the footage with a Mini Uzi.

I hate the way you dared to replace the awesome original cast.

Why can't you leave these characters where they belong, in the past?

I hate the way you gave Heath's role to that loser Ethan Peck.

He may be Gregory's grandson, but he's going to be a wreck.

I hate the way you advertise, and that you exist at all.

But mostly I just hate you. So please find a big cliff and fall.

(They're looking at you, ABC Family.)

Sherlock Holmes Watch, Continued

Keep it together....keep it together. You can do this. It's only two minutes and 22 seconds of Robert Downey, Jr. with a British accent playing one of your favorite literary characters ever. It's only funny and action-packed and dripping with awesome sauce. Wait, what the hell is awesome sauce? I'm getting delirious. Okay, okay, back on track. This is not a big deal. Not a big deal. It's not like it ends on an absurd and hilarious zinger. It's not like Jude Law and Robert Downey, Jr. are perfect together. This movie is probably going to suck after all.

I didn't mean it!!! God strike me down for spewing such blasphemy! Who the hell am I kidding? I'm on the verge of tears/hyperventilation/a complete mental breakdown and I've only seen two minutes of this beautiful gift to humanity. I'm really starting to doubt that I'll have any semblance of sanity by the time this finally hits theaters.

I apologize to anyone reading this who isn't already obsessed with Sherlock Holmes, because you're going to be dealing with this for the rest of the year. Sorry.

The Seven Best Cameos Evah!

I've read a lot of "best cameos" lists, and somehow I always seem to have an issue with them. Either the author doesn't really understand the definition of a cameo role (if they have more than one scene, they're usually supporting characters) or they overlook some fantastic ones. Silly YouTube hasn't posted a lot of the ones I wanted to include, but here's a smattering of my favorite blink and you miss 'em performances.

Catherine Scorsese - Goodfellas

You probably wouldn't expect Martin Scorsese, the undisputed master of the mobster movie, to be very sentimental, but he put his parents Charles and Catherine in many of his films before their deaths in 1993 and 1997 (all together now: awww). Catherine provides one of Goodfellas' best comic scenes as Tommy's concerned Italian mother, who loans him a knife, shows off a painting and feeds three mobsters in the middle of one hectic night.

Kurt Vonnegut - Back to School

Anything with Kurt Vonnegut is an automatic win in my book. The guy could literally pop up for one second, say nothing and I'd be satisfied. Well, actually, that's basically what happens in this scene from Back to School, a little-known '80s Rodney Dangerfield movie. It's a pretty mediocre movie on its own, but considering it's got a cameo by a legend like Vonnegut, it skyrockets a bajillion and five points. Approximately.

Alice Cooper - Wayne's World

My first introduction to Alice Cooper was through Wayne's World, so before I ever heard "School's Out" or "I'm Eighteen," I knew him as the slightly scary guy with an impressive knowledge of Milwaukee. The whole Milwaukee segment of the movie is arguably the best part, from Cooper (and Chris Farley)'s cameos to Wayne and Garth's parody of Laverne and Shirley (the tail end of which starts this video). The following shtick was done several times on Saturday Night Live, such as when Wayne and Garth asked Aerosmith about U.S. relations with China, but with unhinged types like Cooper it's always gold.

Alfred Hitchcock - Lifeboat

Alfred Hitchcock practically invented the cameo, appearing in 39 of his 52 surviving movies. While he's normally just a man passing on the street, he had to get creative in Lifeboat, a movie which takes place on one set: a small boat. So what did he do? Put himself in a newspaper ad, of course:

Another one of his more original cameos came in Dial M for Murder, during which Hitchcock appears in a class reunion photo. The guy may have had some issues (weird phobia of eggs, fixation on blondes), but man did he know how to do a cameo.

Lance Armstrong - Dodgeball

David Hasselhoff makes a fantastic cameo in this movie as well, but you've got to give credit to Lance Armstrong. In addition to motivating Peter LeFleur (Vince Vaughn) to get back in the game, he does some great self-skewering. Plus there's that pitch-perfect closing line of "Good luck, Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever."

Billy Idol - The Wedding Singer

In the climax to this cinematic ode to (often terrible) '80s fashion, hair and music, Billy Idol shows up to help Robbie (Adam Sandler) win Julia (Drew Barrymore) over. She's on her way to Vegas to marry Miami Vice-loving a-hole Glenn, so he's got his work cut out for him. Luckily, Billy Idol gets it, and not only introduces Robbie's cute song but, with some help from a fan and a stewardess, locks Glenn in the bathroom. The only thing that could have made this cameo even more awesome is if Idol sang "White Wedding" as Robbie and Julia walked down the aisle. Oh well, at least we got Steve Buscemi singing "True."

Bruce Springsteen - High Fidelity

The Boss gives relationship advice to John Cusack in this fantastic 2000 movie. Need I say more?

Okay, I will: I'm going to be bold here and say that, as far as John Cusack movies go, I vastly prefer High Fidelity (and the underrated '80s dark comedy Better Off Dead) to Say Anything. Nothing special if you ask me. 

*Hides from sharp objects pelted by 18- to 28-year-old women*

If YouTube had provided the videos, you'd also be watching Clive Owen in The Pink Panther (as Agent 006), coked-out Charlie Sheen in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, David Bowie in Zoolander and Billy Ray Cyrus in Mulholland Dr.

Let me repeat that: Billy Ray Cyrus makes a cameo in Mulholland Dr. You know, the movie with more psychoanalytic theory and article hits on Google Scholar than Sigmund Freud? Yeah, it has this guy in it. I'll just leave you all to think that one over...

BREAKING NEWS: Sherlock Holmes Poster!

Oh. My. God. Here I was just browsing movie posters, minding my own business, when I came across this:

To be honest, my first thought was "When did Sherlock Holmes turn into the Notorious B.I.G.?" but I'm a fan now. Guy Ritchie and the cast have made it pretty clear that this will be a more modern Sherlock Holmes story, so when you think about it this poster is actually brilliant. By combining present-day gangster images with old-timey pipes and ascots, the graphic designer/photographer has captured both the 19th and 21st century sensibilities of this movie...and made Sherlock Holmes a freakin' BAMF. 

I seriously cannot wait for Sherlock Holmes. The level of excitement I'm experiencing here is definitely unhealthy, and it's been stable since, oh, this time last year. Expect more alarming manifestations of my obsession as the release date gets closer, but for now I thought I'd settle for a cheesy MySpace countdown clock. I've never made one of these before, but if anything warrants it, it's Robert Downey, Jr. as Sherlock Holmes:

I'm really upset that it's opening Christmas day now, though. I hadn't checked the release date in a while, but I was totally planning on scaring the hell out of Robert Downey, Jr. at the London premiere while I'm abroad. I guess I'll just have to settle for a midnight showing at the Regal Theater, and plan to ambush RDJ some other time. So it goes.  

P.S. For those of you who haven't been rabidly devouring every single film still, here are the RDJ-tagged photo galleries from Just Jared. (In addition to five Sherlock Holmes galleries, there are Iron Man 2 stills, too!)