Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: Shia LaBeouf

Remember back in the early naughties when we were first introduced to Louis Stevens, known in the real world as Shia LaBeouf?

What simple times those were. LaBeouf was merely a goofy child star then. He annoyed perfectionist sister Ren and formed awesome supergroups with his best friend Twitty each week on the Disney Channel. It was fantastic. His lead role in Holes a few years later would only cement his wholesome and largely lovable image.

After some tiny roles in I, Robot and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, LaBeouf began his transition to grown-up stardom with under-the-radar projects like The Greatest Game Ever Played, A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints and Bobby (they were generally well-received). The big breakthrough, however, came in Disturbia, after which he blew up into a bonafide celebrity.

Now, Disturbia was obviously not a masterpiece for anyone involved, but it was decent. Unfortunately, LaBeouf's subsequent movies would only plummet in quality. While I can't speak for Surf's Up, I did see The Beef's next next movie, Transformers. Obviously not my favorite, but I figured he's allowed one "fun," stupid movie. However, what came next was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, during which he swung from trees with CGI monkeys. Sadly only one of several WTF moments from that movie, whose awfulness I tried my best to deny for Cate Blanchett and the original Indiana Jones movies' sake, but which was eventually unavoidable.

Two massive misses in a row, what does LaBeouf do? Make a shitty amalgamation of every sci-fi thriller with a talking computer ever named Eagle Eye and another Transformers movie of course! And guess what his next project is? Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps. I'm not kidding. Michael Douglas is back, and teaming up with Shia to "alert the financial community to the coming doom and to find out who was responsible for the death of the young trader's mentor."

I know that a new Wall Street is extremely relevant now and that Gordon Gekko is an awesome character, but that sounds way too much like a fake, Mad Libs-generated movie. Maybe Oliver Stone is playing an elaborate trick on all of us, and actually making a prequel to JFK focused on British Prime Minister Harold Macmillian and John Kennedy's relationship.

(Bigger photos available here and here.)

Anyway, Shia LaBeouf might as well hire me as his manager now, because I have an extensive plan to save him from entering Vin Diesel territory. It's a commitment, to be sure; this is at least a five- to ten-year plan. But if he doesn't hop on it soon, it may get bumped up to twenty.

Okay, so first of all, and I know this is going to be hard to understand, cut all ties with Steven Spielberg. Yes, he's put you in lots of blockbusters, but he's also overexposed you, pegged you as franchise-happy and typecast you as a slightly uncool action hero. Your career will not survive if it continues this way. Even Harrison Ford made some non-commercial movies.

Next, lay off the big-budget action flicks. For the love of all things that are pure and wonderful in this world, do not sign on for Transformers 3. I don't want you near a movie with a single explosion. Not even one in a microwave. Take a few months to carefully read over some scripts and look for supporting roles. You need to slowly reenter the Hollywood scene, because you're nearing public disdain. And these supporting roles? They're going to be in dramedies. I like that you took a part in New York, I Love You. The cast and directors aren't nearly as impressive or credible as the ones in Paris, je t'aime, but they're a helluva lot better than Megan Fox and Michael Bay. And you got in a segment with Julie Christie where you're looking pretty classy. Good job. Let's continue this.

You're not lovable enough to attempt this yet, but in time, you may also want to reconsider your comedy roots. The only reason I'm even bothering to figure out how to save your sorry career is because I have fond middle school memories of Even Stevens (and Bobby wasn't bad, either). If you can replicate your past comedic success, you're set. Perhaps a self-deprecating role as a slightly douchey young actor? God it's a shame Extras isn't on the air anymore.

After a few years of doing what I described above, you should be ready for lead roles again and have gained some more long-term staying power. If you pull this off really well, you may even be able to throw in another action movie or two, a la Matt Damon. But seriously, heed my words, Shia. You won't get rid of that unfortunate new nickname of yours (LaDouche), or Michael Bay, otherwise.

Bright Star & Up in the Air, or Anguish & Airports

After two posts chronicling my celebrity-induced insanity, it's time to make this blog slightly more legit again. Maybe even too legit to quit. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

So, as mentioned previously, I was lucky enough to snag tickets to both Bright Star and Up in the Air during the London Film Festival. Obviously, I have thoughts on them, which I'd like to share with you. Let's start with the first movie I saw: Up in the Air.

My expectations for this one were pretty freakin' high. This was due to several factors: a) it's the third full-length film by Jason Reitman; b) it features Vera Farmiga, Jason Bateman, J.K. Simmons and even Zach Galifianakis; c) it's been buzzed about since September. And while Jason Reitman was absolutely right -- it did make me (more than) a little sad -- I thought it was a fantastically well-made and extremely relevant movie.

First, an adequate plot synopsis. Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) flies a lot. So much, in fact, that he's aiming to become one of the select few to reach 10 million miles. Why does he travel so much? His job is to fire people whose bosses are too lazy or scared to do it themselves. Strangely, Ryan loves his life and loathes the few days of the year he spends at "home." 

Then, this Ivy League go-getter (Anna Kendrick) joins his company and decides to economize by firing over webcams. Ryan is outraged, not only because it will finally root him somewhere but also because it's downright cruel. His unmoved boss (Bateman) asks him to show the new girl the ropes as they prepare her revolutionary system.  

Ryan also meets his female equivalent (Farmiga) along the way, and considers abandoning their shared commitment phobia.

I was kinda bummed that they didn't let Jason Bateman do anything with his role, and that J.K. Simmons was limited to one (admittedly marvelous) scene, but otherwise I have no complaints. This is a rare movie that feels like it's real -- there's little glamour and a whole lot of familiar job losses and setbacks instead. Even if you've yet to enter the job market, the themes of lost direction are something that us college students have no problem identifying with. It's probably a topic we'd rather forget, but if you don't mind harsh reality in movies, few pull it off more deftly than Up in the Air.

Also, George Clooney was incredible in this. I went into it expecting an only mildly serious turn from him, but he was freakin' heartbreaking in some scenes. He was also, as expected, perfect in the more comedic situations. I just about died when -- in reply to Anna Kendrick's character's angry query "Who breaks up with someone over text message?!" -- he cooly says, "Kinda like firing someone over the Internet." That was some massive paraphrasing on my part, but still.

Finally, I have to give props to Anna Kendrick. Like most people, I only know her as Twilight girl, and was thus a little apprehensive about her part in this movie. But she was just as wonderful as Clooney and Farmiga (the only one who I was already expecting a lot from). Hopefully she distances herself as much as possible from vampires in the future.

Annnnd now for Bright Star.

I swear I'm not going to get super fangirl-y like I did in my last Ben Whishaw-related post, but I gotta say this: Jane Campion could not have pandered to his smitten fans more if she tried. Casting him as a poet is already swoon-inducing enough. Add in an adorable Scottish jig, a beautiful choir solo, an awesome top hat, a cute love of Fanny's cat and an angry outburst towards his asshole buddy who's macking on Fanny and you have hundreds of girls reduced to putty in Ben Whishaw's delicate, poetry-writing hands.

But it's an extremely romantic, extremely tragic and extremely beautiful movie on its own. Obviously the true life story plays a major role in this, but so many of the shots are breathtakingly gorgeous. Consider the following.

Like I said, gorgeous. And that's not even counting the image on the other poster. If nothing else, Bright Star better get a Cinematography nod at the Oscars. And Costume Design. But that one's expected. I mean, how on earth do you beat this?

The soundtrack is also beautiful, and Ben and Abbie Cornish are perfect together. She's feisty and amusing, he's, as previously mentioned, too adorable to put into actual words. There's not much else I can say about it. 

Okay, I will add that my graphic professor, a former BBC radio personality and all-around awesome guy, took a good two minutes to praise this movie when someone mentioned Keats in class today. He usually doesn't sidetrack much, but he was absolutely fawning over Bright Star. Wonderful and Jane Campion's best movie yet, he said. Trust me, if it's good enough for Chris Cook, it's good enough for you. He makes delicious salmon and can dissect Four Weddings and a Funeral like no one's business.

Now take us out, Ben.

December 14: The Day a Room with Padded Walls Becomes My New Home

I'm really trying to stay composed here, guys. Really trying. But you see, I have news that is likely to keep me awake for the rest of the night/month. And there's no other way for me to express it but this:

SHERLOCK HOLMES WORLD PREMIERE IN LONDON ON DECEMBER 14TH. OHMYGOD GUYS IS THIS REAL LIFE I MIGHT SEE ROBERT DOWNEY JR MY FAVORITE PERSON EVER SOMEONE PLEASE DRUG ME CANNOT HANDLE THIS AT ALL OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD.

Yes, it's true. My flatmate just informed me, and laughed really hard at my subsequent facial expression. I'd imagine it was a Hans Grüber falling off the building at the end of Die Hard meets Jack Torrance chasing his son in The Shining meets any chick flick heroine doing a private little dance of joy after being asked out by the guy of her dreams kind of face. And I realize that you guys must be sick of my incessant Sherlock Holmes ravings, and cannot possibly be as excited about this news as I am, but please try to understand.

This. 

May be in front of my face.

In about one month.

I believe the wikipedia images accompanying the page for "hysteria" best sum up my current condition. Particularly the one of the far left. And, well, all of them.