KMDB - Kristin's Movie Database

The End...or Is It?

2010-01-30T21:09:00.000-08:00

Today, ladies and gentlemen, I write the last ever KMDb post...on Blogger.com.

I've decided to pack up this blog and take it to Wordpress. But nothing besides the site address and appearance is going to change, I promise. My one recurring series is going with me, and I'm not going to get any less crazy. I mean, c'mon. It's award season. If anything, I'm going to get crazier.

So I hope you'll follow me to KMDb, 2.0. You'll find it at http://kmdb.wordpress.com. See you there.

Golden Globes 2010: Alright! Wait, no. GOD no.

2010-01-19T10:16:00.000-08:00

Well, it's over. The globes have been dished, the copious champagne drunk, the fists pumped and the disappointment shrieked. As always, the Golden Globes tricked me into thinking they had some sense only to pull a double whammy of injustice in the final act. I suppose I should know better by now. The Globes really aren't the most important pre-Oscar awards and are notorious for being an informal party where stars get wasted. But they sure are fun to watch.

I'm not going to write a full recap because I'm saving that for the Oscars, but I will take you through a very quick reaction to some of the big moments.

Ricky Gervais gets in a staredown with Steve Carell

Please cast these two men as rivals in a movie. They are gold together. And in need of some legitimately fantastic movie roles.

Mo'Nique wins Best Supporting Actress

Two things: she's going to be an Academy Award winner and she made a really heartfelt speech.

Christoph Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor

Dude's also getting an Oscar. But why was there a huge gap between his award and Mo'Nique's? I have never understood the Golden Globes' baffling organizational scheme. Just another reason I can't take this award show completely seriously.

Martin Scorsese is given the Cecil B. DeMille Award

Lifetime achievement awards tend to go to neglected geniuses, and thus are almost a slap in the face, but oh boy was Marty's montage awesome. Great clips from Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and tons more, as well as some fantastic songs that referenced said movies. Just putting it out there: the death montage in Goodfellas set to the instrumental part of "Layla" is still the most awe-inspiring song-scene pairing I've ever seen. Also, I kinda wish Martin Scorsese was my grandpa.

Up in the Air wins Best Screenplay

Woo, Jason Reitman (and Sheldon)! You go! How on earth this was your movie's only win of the night is beyond me.

Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical

T-Bone Streep? Only Meryl could pull off a speech so loopy and random. But then again, if I had 15 Oscar nominations, I'd probably be doing whatever the hell I wanted, too.

Robert Downey, Jr. wins Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical

*Happy sigh* There is no more praise I can lavish on this wonderful man, but his speech was perfect as per usual. Can we just give him an award for Best Person in any Comedy, Musical or Drama?

Sandra Bullock wins Best Actress in a Drama

I don't have much desire to see The Blind Side and didn't really like The Proposal, but it's impossible to dislike Sandra Bullock as a person. She has a sense of humor and awesome style. Also, she apparently speaks fluent German.

Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor in a Drama

Do I smell frontrunner?

James Cameron wins Best Director

Ugh, really? This man has a bigger ego than Quentin Tarantino, and way less talent to back it up. He should not even be in the same category as Kathryn Bigelow and Jason Reitman. I sincerely hope he does not get the opportunity to yell, "Well, who'd you expect, numbnuts?!" at the Oscars. Kathyrn and Jason, on the other hand, are more than welcome to utilize that phrase.

The Hangover wins Best Comedy or Musical

Hey, I liked The Hangover, but there is no arguing this point: (500) Days of Summer is a vastly superior movie. Not especially bitter though, and at least the brilliant Ed Helms is getting more exposure.

Avatar wins Best Drama

THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. Academy, I'm begging you. Please be stronger than the Hollywood Foreign Press. Avatar has one of the worst scripts in recent memory, yet everyone seems to be conveniently forgetting that fact. Don't be one of those people. Refuse James Cameron's money. I know he has a lot of it, but this is a matter of integrity. You've made some mistakes before; I'll forget those if you give me this. Well, I'll forget some of them. That's still a lot. A. Freakin'. Lot.

I'm not even going to dignify this one with a clip. Because if I ignore it, maybe it will go away. Maybe? Just a little?

If Sam Mendes Directed Bond

2010-01-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

The title may be hypothetical, but recent reports suggest that this could be a not-so-distant reality. That's right: Sam Mendes is apparently in talks to helm the 23rd movie in the Bond franchise. I'm not exactly sure how to take this. On the one hand, I love Sam Mendes a whole lot. American Beauty is one of my all-time favorite movies, and, as you can see in my previous post, both Road to Perdition and Revolutionary Road made my best of the '00s list. However, he's not exactly the obvious candidate. He's tried his hand at gangsters (Road to Perdition) and war (Jarhead), but there is not a single action movie to his name. In fact, what is associated with his name is unquestionably subtle, dialogue-heavy drama. Kinda the polar opposite of James Bond, a man known for his flashy cars, unrelenting physical fights and puns.

I'm cautiously putting my faith in Mendes for now -- no one expected reboot Casino Royale to work as marvelously as it did -- but just for fun, I thought I'd imagine the newest Bond with all the most stereotypical touches of a Sam Mendes movie. Get ready to question your life in three, two, one....

The Story: James Bond has grown increasingly disenchanted with his shallow spy lifestyle and after flubbing one too many missions, M shows him the door. He takes up residence in a quaint British neighborhood as he tries to find his place in the world as well as redemption for his past exploits.

The Bond Girl: The married lady down the block. She wanted to be a model or whatever Bond girls claim as their professions, but never achieved her dream. Instead, she has a few kids and gets cheap thrills from screwing around with Bond. She may look content to the outside world, but she's a deeply unhappy person.

The Villain: Wait for it....suburbia! No amount of bare knuckle fights, guns or parkour can vanquish this formidable foe. As the pressures of the neighborhood continue to weigh on Bond, can he emerge unscathed?

The Car: A used Camry. Navy blue, but it's lost its shine.

The Choice Cheesy Joke:

Married Lady Down the Block: Are you a religious man, James?

Bond: There are plenty of things you could call me, but believer isn't one of them. You know, when you're young you think that God will show you the answer. Hell, even some adults buy that bullshit. But where's my answer, huh? Where's my goddamn answer? I've been sitting here the past few weeks begging for a sign, any hint as to what to do with my life, and all I've realized is that watching the people across the street is not even half as fucking exciting as Rear Window claims it is. And even if I had some notion as to what to do, would I be able to pursue it, knowing how many nameless henchmen, evil geniuses and backstabbing sluts I've killed? I have blood on my hands, married lady down the lock, blood that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my miserable fucking existence. *Pause* But I do believe in lovin' thy neighbor.

KMDB's Top 50 of the 2000s

2010-01-05T22:10:00.000-08:00

Now that we are safely into the new decade, it's time to present -- drumroll, please -- KMDB's top 50 movies of the 2000s! But first, some clarification. This is not quite a "best of the decade" list. I'll freely admit to some personal bias in the following choices. I realize that Mullholland Dr., City of God and The Lord of the Rings trilogy are all much more thought-provoking and nuanced films than Anchorman and Mean Girls, but it just felt wrong making a best of list that my heart wasn't really in. So consider this more of a favorites list than a definitive best of list, but please don't discredit it! I've spent far too much time perfecting the choices, all of which come at my highest recommendation. Since 50 pictures and/or trailers would be a tad bit overwhelming (and exhausting to assemble), I've included either some keywords or a key quote from the movie to give you an idea if you're unfamiliar. The films are unranked, as I love them all too much to pick and choose slots. You'll just find them in the preferred organizational scheme of the OCD-afflicted: alphabetization.

And here we go....

28 Days Later (2002)

Keywords: infected chimpanzees, zombies, radio broadcast, sorta skeevy soldiers

(500) Days of Summer (2009)

Key quote: "Just because she likes the same bizarro crap as you doesn't mean she's your soulmate."

Almost Famous (2000)

Key quote: "And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were...I'm on drugs!"

American Psycho (2000)

Keywords: yuppies, ax, chainsaw, murder, mayhem, disturbing use of Huey Lewis and the News

Anchorman (2004)

Key quote: "They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time."

The Aviator (2004)

Keywords: glamour, airplanes, movie stars, OCD, q-u-a-r-a-n-t-i-n-e

Before Sunset (2004)

Key quote: "I guess when you're young, you believe there'll be many people whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."

Big Fish (2003)

Keywords: circus, daffodils, singing Siamese twins, tall tales, father-son relations

The Bourne Supremacy (2004)

Keywords: misdirected bullet, CIA, ass kicking, European cities, sly phone conversations

Brick (2005)

Key quote: "Throw one at me if you want, hash head. I've got all five senses and I slept last night. That puts me six up on the lot of you."

Bright Star (2009)

Keywords: poetry, tuberculosis, old-timey fashionista, tartan trousers, doomed romance

Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Key quote: "You count the damn few times we have been together in nearly twenty years and you measure the short fucking leash you keep me on and then you ask me about Mexico and tell me you'll kill me for needing somethin' I don't hardly never get...I wish I knew how to quit you."

Casino Royale (2006)

Keywords: poker, espionage, sexually charged banter, fast cars, loose women, stock market manipulation

Children of Men (2006)

Keywords: dystopia, sterility, old hippie, dangerous mission, sweet tracking shots

Collateral (2004)

Key quote: "What? I should only kill people after I get to know them?"

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

Keywords: flying kicks to the head, waterfall, treetops, swords, character named Shining Phoenix Mountain Gou

The Darjeeling Limited (2007)

Key quote: "I love you, too, but I'm going to mace you in the face."

The Departed (2006)

Key quote: "I don't want to be a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me."

Donnie Darko (2001)

Keywords: time travel, vandalism, crackpot philosophy, tall evil rabbit

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Key quote: "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

Gone Baby Gone (2007)

Keywords: kidnapping, druggie mom, inner city, conflicted cops

Good Night, and Good Luck (2005)

Key quote: "Cassius was right. The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves. Good night, and good luck."

Hard Candy (2005)

Keywords: Internet predator, red hoodie, mind games, Goldfrapp

High Fidelity (2000)

Key quote: "Which came first, the music or the misery?"

The Hurt Locker (2009)

Keywords: Iraq, bomb diffusion, daredevil sergeant, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man-esque outfit, a boy named Beckham

Inside Man (2006)

Keywords: bank heist, hostages, riddles, decoys, dirty little secret, surgical masks

Into the Wild (2007)

Key quote: "The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences."

Iron Man (2008)

Keywords: arms dealing, eccentric superhero, comical test trials, comical press conferences, flashy iron alloy suits

Juno (2007)

Key quote: "And apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful, but really mean, like Diana Ross."

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Key quote: "Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is I don't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down."

Lars and the Real Girl (2007)

Keywords: blow-up doll, small town, sweet but intensely shy main character, awkward family dinners

The Last King of Scotland (2006)

Key quote: "I am tired of hatred, Doctor Garrigan. This country is drowning in it. We deserve better."

Little Children (2006)

Keywords: suburbia, extramarital affair, the sex offender next door, jester hat, seductive bathing suit, skateboards

Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

Key quote: "You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work...fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest."

Mean Girls (2004)

Key quote: "If you're from Africa, why are you white?"

Memento (2000)

Keywords: Polaroids, significant tattoos, messed up memory, nonlinear storyline like whoa

Milk (2008)

Key quote: "All men are created equal. No matter how hard you try, you can never erase those words."

Notes on a Scandal (2006)

Key quote: "This is going to sound sick, but something in me felt entitled. You know, I've been good all my adult life. I've been a decent wife, a dutiful mother coping with Ben. The voice inside me kept saying, 'Why shouldn't you be bad? Why shouldn't you transgress? I mean, you've earned the right.'"

Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

Keywords: fairy tales, anti-fascist resistance, creeptastic creatures, three tasks, difficult pregnancy, knife to the mouth

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Key quote: "Well! I'm actually feeling rather good about this. I think we have all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically."

Pride and Prejudice (2005)

Key quote: "Did I just agree to dance with Mr. Darcy? It would be most inconvenient, since I have sworn to loathe him for all eternity."

Revolutionary Road (2008)

Keywords: fighting couple, broken dreams, fedoras, cigarettes, big skirts, soul-draining '50s suburbia

Road to Perdition (2002)

Keywords: gangsters, father-son relations, photographer moonlighting as assassin, Great Depression, showdown in the rain

The Savages (2007)

Key quote: "People are dying, Wendy! Right inside that beautiful building right now, it's a fucking horror show! And all this wellness propaganda and the landscaping, it's just there to obscure the miserable fact that people die! And death is gaseous and gruesome and it's filled with shit and piss and rotten stink!"

Sideways (2004)

Keywords: shy writer, broken nose, crashed car, cheating bastard, wedding, wine

Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

Keywords: quiz show, flashbacks, Indian slums, destiny, orphans, crime lords, chai tea

Stranger Than Fiction (2006)

Key quote: "Odd as it may seem, I've just ruled out half of Greek literature, seven fairy tales, ten Chinese fables and determined conclusively that you are not King Hamlet, Scout Finch, Miss Marple, Frankenstein's Monster or a golem. Aren't you relieved to know you're not a golem?"

Thank You for Smoking (2005)

Key quote: "Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent."

Up (2009)

Keywords: balloons, curmudgeonly old man, exploration, talking dogs, Boy Scout, bird named Kevin

Up in the Air (2009)

Key quote: "The slower we move, the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living."

Six Terrible Movie Characters I Would Like to Personally Strangle

2009-12-24T17:05:00.000-08:00

Ever watch a movie where you hate a character with every fiber of your being? You don't just want them to lose in the end, you want them immediately removed from the plot, lest you chuck something at the screen. You despise them more than actual assholes you've encountered, and would like nothing more than to feed him/her to Jaws. Or introduce his/her foot to a lawnmower.

There are plenty of characters I dislike or find annoying, but only the following six have entered strangle-worthy territory. It being Christmas Eve, I thought I'd share with my dear readers exactly why I hate these fictional fuckfaces, while providing clips that showcase their atrocities. Have a copy of A Muppet Christmas Carol or It's a Wonderful Life handy. You're going to need it to restore your merriment and goodwill towards mankind.

Blanche Barrow from Bonnie and Clyde

Not only is Blanche a complete wimp compared to badass Bonnie, she nearly ruins everything by screaming hysterically during a shootout. Like, ten solid minutes of screaming and arm flapping. And she isn't even smart enough to duck! Lots of people would lose their shit during an ambush, for sure, but there's a difference between freaking out and being ridiculously self-indulgent. Blanche falls squarely in the latter category. She even has the audacity to claim a cut of their loot when she does nothing except jeopardize their lives and cry about how she used to be a preacher's daughter. Blanche, I think I speak for everyone when I say if you can't take the heat, go back to the chapel.

For the aforementioned hysterical screaming, check out 4:00-5:05 of this heavily edited video. And yes, Estelle Parsons won an Oscar for nonstop screeching.

Christine Everhart from Iron Man

Tony Stark is not exactly Mr. Moral, so indignant Vanity Fair reporter Christine Everhart is kinda justified in her criticisms. However, she takes things way too far. Asking Stark what he thinks of his nickname Merchant of Death is one thing, but verbally thrashing him at a classy cocktail party over a war-torn village is a little much. And honestly, who the hell carries photos of said destruction with them at all times? Stark wasn't even expected at that party. Are they just always in her purse, ready for public shaming?

Oh and one more thing: this whole holier-than-thou, crusading journalist thing is all well and good but don't you think sleeping with your interview subject is a tiny bit unethical? Pettily insulting his assistant the next day is also kinda unprofessional. But you go ahead being an enormous hypocrite, Christine. Just please stay out of Iron Man 2 as much as possible.

Alvy Singer from Annie Hall

Part of this has to do with the fact that I can't stand Woody Allen. It took every ounce of patience and self-control I had to sit through Annie Hall, and I could barely even handle Allen's much smaller role in Scoop. But I should clarify: I have nothing against him as a director or writer. In fact, I think he's pretty talented in those roles. He is, however, one of the worst actors I've ever witnessed. No matter the scene or situation it feels like he's doing stand-up, and thus he doesn't come across as a real character. That's bad enough. But Alvy of Annie Hall is also one of the most pompous and sanctimonious men to ever fill the screen. He's always berating Annie for not going to therapy, or for reading The National Review, or doing basically anything. No wonder she dumped his sorry ass.

Veda Pierce from Mildred Pierce

Bratty girls are hardly in short supply in movies, but even sixty-four years later, no one's topped Veda Pierce. Veda demands the high class life from her indulging mother, who waits tables and builds up an entire restaurant chain to buy them into the American aristocracy. Mildred's husband divorces her for giving into the kids too much and she busts her ass just so Veda can tell her that she's low class scum. Veda commits much worse and much more spoiler-tastic crimes as the movie progresses (see it for yourself -- it's an amazing film noir) that cause her mere presence to get my eyes squinting and twitching. See her call her awesome mother terrible things and even slap her between 1:49 and 2:01 of the trailer:

Every single person from Jesus Camp

Oh shit, they're real human beings, aren't they? It's better for my piece of my mind if we think of them as fictional figures and not living people with actual political influence.

Also, just to clarify, I wouldn't strangle the children, just the adults.

Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

The moment in this movie when someone attempts to murder Nurse Ratched marks the only time I've vigorously cheered on a would-be killer. Because there are villains, and then there is Nurse Ratched. She isn't your run-of-the-mill bitch. Oh no. She fucks with the already messed-up minds of every patient in her ward, preventing them from making any steps towards recovery. In fact, there isn't much wrong with any of the guys, but Ratched convinces them there is. She also withholds their cigarettes, forces pills on them and does something else so sinister/malicious/low that it makes you wish she was real just so you could viciously beat her down (too much of a spoiler, though). Watch her cruelly deny McMurphy and co. the right to watch a baseball game here:

So which characters would you personally like to strangle?

Golden Globes: Snap Judgment

2009-12-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

Shameful, I know. It's been three days since the announcement and I'm just now getting to a Golden Globes post.* In my defense, I spent a good day and a half of that interval flying and sleeping. Still, apologies all around. Here are my basic reactions to the major categories of the first major awards of the season.

Best Motion Picture -- Drama

Avatar

The Hurt Locker

Inglorious Basterds

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Up in the Air

Time will tell if it lasts, but I couldn't be happier at the frontrunner status Up in the Air is currently enjoying. It might just go all the way! Glad to see some recognition for The Hurt Locker, too. Avatar's plot has more holes than Swiss cheese riddled with a machine gun and laughable lines, but the fantastic visuals make the spot understandable. And apparently Inglorious Basterds has more of an Oscar prayer than I expected, for the SAGs followed the Golden Globes with significant recognition. Quentin Tarantino is likely douching it up at some Hollywood party as we speak.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Drama

Emily Blunt, The Young Victoria

Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

Helen Mirren, The Last Station

Carey Mulligan, An Education

Gabourey Sidibe, Precious

No big surprises here. Carey Mulligan and Gabourey Sidibe seem like locks, and I'm going to go ahead and call Helen Mirren for an Oscar nod, too. Still not sure if the Academy will go for Sandra Bullock, or Emily Blunt (in a barely discussed British movie about a British monarch who isn't a Tudor). However, considering Bullock made the SAG list, too, and that the only likely "Actress in a Comedy" pick to go onto the Oscars is Meryl Streep, at least one is bound to go through.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Drama

Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart

George Clooney, Up in the Air

Colin Firth, A Single Man

Morgan Freeman, Invictus

Tobey Maguire, Brothers

....um, Tobey Maguire? As in the guy whose only notable recognition thus far has been the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss? Have we all forgotten about Spiderman 3? The L.A. Times' The Envelope smartly predicts that Maguire will get replaced come Oscar time with Jeremy Renner of The Hurt Locker. Otherwise, all the picks seem Oscar-bound.

Best Motion Picture -- Comedy

(500) Days of Summer

The Hangover

It's Complicated

Julie & Julia

Nine

Gotta give a big OH HELL YES to the (500) Days of Summer nod. I know it won't make it to the Academy Awards BP category, but it's still a major cause for celebration. Yeah, otherwise this is a pretty meaningless category thrown in for kicks and giggles by the Hollywood Foreign Press. Let's treat it as such and move on.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Comedy

Sandra Bullock, The Proposal

Marion Cotillard, Nine

Julia Roberts, Duplicity

Meryl Streep, It's Complicated

Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

Double Meryl in the same category could mean vote-splitting, upsetting the strongest contender (for Julie & Julia, specifically). But the move is unsurprising considering Meryl Streep's universal critical adoration. Pleasantly surprised to see Julia Roberts in there (Duplicity is fantastic, in case you missed it) and calling Marion Cotillard the throwaway nod (can any of the Nine women be considered leads, or beat the Cruz buzz?). The Sandra Bullock nod is completely undeserved in my opinion, but I'm thanking my lucky stars they didn't pick a crappier romantic comedy heroine.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Comedy

Matt Damon, The Informant!

Daniel Day-Lewis, Nine

Robert Downey, Jr., Sherlock Holmes

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, (500) Days of Summer

Michael Stuhlbarg, A Serious Man

Favorite category, bar none. Again, I know it's meaningless, but who cares? If my 50 posts on Sherlock Holmes weren't clear enough, I'm expecting Robert Downey, Jr. to make me cry many tears of happiness this Christmas, and if I had a marching band and a choreographed ensemble, I'd totally be recreating the (500) Days of Summer dance to celebrate Joe G-L's nod. I'm actually going to be conflicted on this one! But doubting even Oscar magnet Daniel Day-Lewis will make it onto the next round.

Best Performance by a Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture

Penelope Cruz, Nine

Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air

Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air

Mo'Nique, Precious

Julianne Moore, A Single Man

So unsurprising that I literally have nothing to say. Except that I predict Anna Kendrick will be the only Twilight star to ever boast the title of Oscar nominee.

Best Performance by a Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture

Matt Damon, Invictus

Woody Harrelson, The Messenger

Christopher Plummer, The Last Station

Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones

Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds

Also pretty much expected. Waltz sounds like the favorite, though only two of these movies have been widely released and reviewed, so maybe it's too early to say.

Best Director

Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

James Cameron, Avatar

Clint Eastwood, Invictus

Jason Reitman, Up in the Air

Quentin Tarantino, Inglorious Basterds

I really don't think Clint Eastwood has made a movie without the aim of winning an Oscar in at least five years, and the awards committees have been far too happy to oblige him. However, my buddy Jason, James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow seem like the stronger contenders this season. Reitman has my vote, though I would be happy to see Bigelow win. Speaking of which, how ridiculous is it that she would be only the fourth woman in history to be nominated for Best Director? Answer: almost as ridiculous as the fact that Alfred fuckin' Hitchcock never won that award.

*I have no idea why Blogger claims this was published on December 15, because it definitely wasn't.

...And Now Your Moment of Zen WTF Just Happened There?

2009-12-05T02:54:00.000-08:00

Jon Stewart's got political speeches and news clips. I've got random movie moments. Today I present one from the 1968 Lindsay Anderson mindfuck If..., also known as Malcolm McDowell's feature film debut. Yes, that Malcolm McDowell. So you know what you're getting yourself into.

I hope that weirdo headmaster sprang for some nice drawer liners at the very least.

Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: Shia LaBeouf

2009-11-18T16:19:00.000-08:00

Remember back in the early naughties when we were first introduced to Louis Stevens, known in the real world as Shia LaBeouf?

What simple times those were. LaBeouf was merely a goofy child star then. He annoyed perfectionist sister Ren and formed awesome supergroups with his best friend Twitty each week on the Disney Channel. It was fantastic. His lead role in Holes a few years later would only cement his wholesome and largely lovable image.

After some tiny roles in I, Robot and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, LaBeouf began his transition to grown-up stardom with under-the-radar projects like The Greatest Game Ever Played, A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints and Bobby (they were generally well-received). The big breakthrough, however, came in Disturbia, after which he blew up into a bonafide celebrity.

Now, Disturbia was obviously not a masterpiece for anyone involved, but it was decent. Unfortunately, LaBeouf's subsequent movies would only plummet in quality. While I can't speak for Surf's Up, I did see The Beef's next next movie, Transformers. Obviously not my favorite, but I figured he's allowed one "fun," stupid movie. However, what came next was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, during which he swung from trees with CGI monkeys. Sadly only one of several WTF moments from that movie, whose awfulness I tried my best to deny for Cate Blanchett and the original Indiana Jones movies' sake, but which was eventually unavoidable.

Two massive misses in a row, what does LaBeouf do? Make a shitty amalgamation of every sci-fi thriller with a talking computer ever named Eagle Eye and another Transformers movie of course! And guess what his next project is? Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps. I'm not kidding. Michael Douglas is back, and teaming up with Shia to "alert the financial community to the coming doom and to find out who was responsible for the death of the young trader's mentor."

I know that a new Wall Street is extremely relevant now and that Gordon Gekko is an awesome character, but that sounds way too much like a fake, Mad Libs-generated movie. Maybe Oliver Stone is playing an elaborate trick on all of us, and actually making a prequel to JFK focused on British Prime Minister Harold Macmillian and John Kennedy's relationship.

(Bigger photos available here and here.)

Anyway, Shia LaBeouf might as well hire me as his manager now, because I have an extensive plan to save him from entering Vin Diesel territory. It's a commitment, to be sure; this is at least a five- to ten-year plan. But if he doesn't hop on it soon, it may get bumped up to twenty.

Okay, so first of all, and I know this is going to be hard to understand, cut all ties with Steven Spielberg. Yes, he's put you in lots of blockbusters, but he's also overexposed you, pegged you as franchise-happy and typecast you as a slightly uncool action hero. Your career will not survive if it continues this way. Even Harrison Ford made some non-commercial movies.

Next, lay off the big-budget action flicks. For the love of all things that are pure and wonderful in this world, do not sign on for Transformers 3. I don't want you near a movie with a single explosion. Not even one in a microwave. Take a few months to carefully read over some scripts and look for supporting roles. You need to slowly reenter the Hollywood scene, because you're nearing public disdain. And these supporting roles? They're going to be in dramedies. I like that you took a part in New York, I Love You. The cast and directors aren't nearly as impressive or credible as the ones in Paris, je t'aime, but they're a helluva lot better than Megan Fox and Michael Bay. And you got in a segment with Julie Christie where you're looking pretty classy. Good job. Let's continue this.

You're not lovable enough to attempt this yet, but in time, you may also want to reconsider your comedy roots. The only reason I'm even bothering to figure out how to save your sorry career is because I have fond middle school memories of Even Stevens (and Bobby wasn't bad, either). If you can replicate your past comedic success, you're set. Perhaps a self-deprecating role as a slightly douchey young actor? God it's a shame Extras isn't on the air anymore.

After a few years of doing what I described above, you should be ready for lead roles again and have gained some more long-term staying power. If you pull this off really well, you may even be able to throw in another action movie or two, a la Matt Damon. But seriously, heed my words, Shia. You won't get rid of that unfortunate new nickname of yours (LaDouche), or Michael Bay, otherwise.

Bright Star & Up in the Air, or Anguish & Airports

2009-11-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

After two posts chronicling my celebrity-induced insanity, it's time to make this blog slightly more legit again. Maybe even too legit to quit. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

So, as mentioned previously, I was lucky enough to snag tickets to both Bright Star and Up in the Air during the London Film Festival. Obviously, I have thoughts on them, which I'd like to share with you. Let's start with the first movie I saw: Up in the Air.

My expectations for this one were pretty freakin' high. This was due to several factors: a) it's the third full-length film by Jason Reitman; b) it features Vera Farmiga, Jason Bateman, J.K. Simmons and even Zach Galifianakis; c) it's been buzzed about since September. And while Jason Reitman was absolutely right -- it did make me (more than) a little sad -- I thought it was a fantastically well-made and extremely relevant movie.

First, an adequate plot synopsis. Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) flies a lot. So much, in fact, that he's aiming to become one of the select few to reach 10 million miles. Why does he travel so much? His job is to fire people whose bosses are too lazy or scared to do it themselves. Strangely, Ryan loves his life and loathes the few days of the year he spends at "home."

Then, this Ivy League go-getter (Anna Kendrick) joins his company and decides to economize by firing over webcams. Ryan is outraged, not only because it will finally root him somewhere but also because it's downright cruel. His unmoved boss (Bateman) asks him to show the new girl the ropes as they prepare her revolutionary system.

Ryan also meets his female equivalent (Farmiga) along the way, and considers abandoning their shared commitment phobia.

I was kinda bummed that they didn't let Jason Bateman do anything with his role, and that J.K. Simmons was limited to one (admittedly marvelous) scene, but otherwise I have no complaints. This is a rare movie that feels like it's real -- there's little glamour and a whole lot of familiar job losses and setbacks instead. Even if you've yet to enter the job market, the themes of lost direction are something that us college students have no problem identifying with. It's probably a topic we'd rather forget, but if you don't mind harsh reality in movies, few pull it off more deftly than Up in the Air.

Also, George Clooney was incredible in this. I went into it expecting an only mildly serious turn from him, but he was freakin' heartbreaking in some scenes. He was also, as expected, perfect in the more comedic situations. I just about died when -- in reply to Anna Kendrick's character's angry query "Who breaks up with someone over text message?!" -- he cooly says, "Kinda like firing someone over the Internet." That was some massive paraphrasing on my part, but still.

Finally, I have to give props to Anna Kendrick. Like most people, I only know her as Twilight girl, and was thus a little apprehensive about her part in this movie. But she was just as wonderful as Clooney and Farmiga (the only one who I was already expecting a lot from). Hopefully she distances herself as much as possible from vampires in the future.

Annnnd now for Bright Star.

I swear I'm not going to get super fangirl-y like I did in my last Ben Whishaw-related post, but I gotta say this: Jane Campion could not have pandered to his smitten fans more if she tried. Casting him as a poet is already swoon-inducing enough. Add in an adorable Scottish jig, a beautiful choir solo, an awesome top hat, a cute love of Fanny's cat and an angry outburst towards his asshole buddy who's macking on Fanny and you have hundreds of girls reduced to putty in Ben Whishaw's delicate, poetry-writing hands.

But it's an extremely romantic, extremely tragic and extremely beautiful movie on its own. Obviously the true life story plays a major role in this, but so many of the shots are breathtakingly gorgeous. Consider the following.

Like I said, gorgeous. And that's not even counting the image on the other poster. If nothing else, Bright Star better get a Cinematography nod at the Oscars. And Costume Design. But that one's expected. I mean, how on earth do you beat this?

The soundtrack is also beautiful, and Ben and Abbie Cornish are perfect together. She's feisty and amusing, he's, as previously mentioned, too adorable to put into actual words. There's not much else I can say about it.

Okay, I will add that my graphic professor, a former BBC radio personality and all-around awesome guy, took a good two minutes to praise this movie when someone mentioned Keats in class today. He usually doesn't sidetrack much, but he was absolutely fawning over Bright Star. Wonderful and Jane Campion's best movie yet, he said. Trust me, if it's good enough for Chris Cook, it's good enough for you. He makes delicious salmon and can dissect Four Weddings and a Funeral like no one's business.

Now take us out, Ben.

December 14: The Day a Room with Padded Walls Becomes My New Home

2009-11-01T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm really trying to stay composed here, guys. Really trying. But you see, I have news that is likely to keep me awake for the rest of the night/month. And there's no other way for me to express it but this:

SHERLOCK HOLMES WORLD PREMIERE IN LONDON ON DECEMBER 14TH. OHMYGOD GUYS IS THIS REAL LIFE I MIGHT SEE ROBERT DOWNEY JR MY FAVORITE PERSON EVER SOMEONE PLEASE DRUG ME CANNOT HANDLE THIS AT ALL OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD.

Yes, it's true. My flatmate just informed me, and laughed really hard at my subsequent facial expression. I'd imagine it was a Hans Grüber falling off the building at the end of Die Hard meets Jack Torrance chasing his son in The Shining meets any chick flick heroine doing a private little dance of joy after being asked out by the guy of her dreams kind of face. And I realize that you guys must be sick of my incessant Sherlock Holmes ravings, and cannot possibly be as excited about this news as I am, but please try to understand.

This.

May be in front of my face.

In about one month.

I believe the wikipedia images accompanying the page for "hysteria" best sum up my current condition. Particularly the one of the far left. And, well, all of them.

The London Film Festival, in Exhaustively Lengthy and Mildly Crazed Review

2009-10-22T06:37:00.001-07:00

So, as many of you have already seen on my facebook profile, this past week was full of red carpet, blurry celebrity photos and wild hysterics on my part. It wasn't easy cramming four premieres, and two screenings, into a week which included a visit from my parents and aunt as well as midterms. In fact, it was pretty freakin' exhausting. But it was totally worth it.

The festival kicked off with Fantastic Mr. Fox. The premiere was listed as 7 and 7:30, so we arrived around 6.

Big mistake.

As we quickly learned, if you're going to stalk a red carpet, you gotta commit. One hour? The celebrity stalking vets would laugh in our faces if they knew. Try two or three hours and THEN we can talk to them. For we were not only unable to get into the main arena where all the autographs happened, we were stuck four rows back from the gate in front of a raised platform that some of the VIPs walked down. Oh and they would turn the other way upon reaching its end. Definitely not ideal, but we were prepared to scream, cry and sing for Meryl Streep when she floated by. Sadly, that moment never came, because Meryl flaked. I later read that she had the flu. Right, "the flu." If by having the flu, you mean having no empathy for your devoted fans who left class early for you, then yeah, you have the flu. (Though I do like Meryl, my outrage is more on behalf of one of my friends, who was absolutely devastated.)

However, towards the end, after neither Wes Anderson nor Jason Schwartzmann had walked by, I looked into the distance and saw something wonderful. "Guys, that's George Clooney," I said. "What?" my friends said. "No it's not, Kristin. What are you talking ab-- GEORGE!" He streaked by in a tux with his Italian Barbie girlfriend and in an instant his beauty, like a shooting star, had disappeared. It was the first really surreal moment of the festival.

The next day was the premiere of The Men Who Stare at Goats, a.k.a. our second shot at seeing George and first try at finding the singing cuteness that is Ewan McGregor. We got there two hours early this time, and were just one row behind the gate, perpendicular to the paparazzi. This time, there was no waiting around while people we didn't know traipsed undeservedly across the red carpet. George was one of the first ones there, and he was really nice to all the fans. I wasn't in a position to ask for an autograph, but I got some close, non-blurry photos of that gorgeous man and looked on with delight as he joked with some of the lucky front rowers. He even came around a second time before posing for the paparazzi and leaving. Oh, and he decided to jokingly "adjust" his suit in front of us before braving the photographers. It resulted in this hilarious photo:

Sadly though, Ewan pulled a Meryl and disappointed us. This one, in my opinion, was even more inexcusable. I don't think he was actually expected to attend, but, dude, you're Scottish! Show some British solidarity/pride.

Neve Campbell and Rachel from S Club 7 also made cameos. It was hella random.

And then this cute old man started making the rounds. I honestly had no idea who he was, but people seemed to be making a big deal about him. "Ask him for his autograph, and we'll find out who he is," my friend said. So I did. When I looked down it said, "John Hurt." I kinda flipped. And then felt extremely embarrassed that I didn't recognize him. (In my defense, he looks wildly different between each of his movies.)

After Men Who Stare at Goats, we got a two-day reprieve from the festival during which I hung out with my parents and aunt. Then on Sunday, the Up in the Air premiere arrived. George had already cancelled, and it was at a much smaller theater, so this one was vastly more low-key. However, we were hoping to meet ~~Michael Bluth~~ Jason Bateman. I'll cut to the chase and tell you that he didn't show up, either (god damn that's a lot of unfulfilled anticipation). However, we did get to meet Vera Farmiga, best known as the two-timing shrink in The Departed, who is coincidentally a Syracuse drama alum.

As she made her way towards us, in some awesome purple heels, we shouted, "We go to Syracuse!" Signing my friend's notebook, she excitedly responded, "You do?!" We explained quickly that we were in the abroad program. She smiled, and I told her I love The Departed (had to) and she left. But before that, I had an even nerdier encounter with a barely-qualifies-as-celebrity figure: Jason Reitman.

The fact that I was able to recognize him already tells you that I like Thank You for Smoking and Juno way too much. But you'd think he was some heartthrob leading man the way I was behaving when he came by. As he signed stuff, I broke out my obligatory, "Can I just say that I love Thank You for Smoking and Juno?!" Now, based on my overall experience this past week, celebrities are so used to compliments on their movies that they might respond with a polite thank you, but that's about it. Jason, however, noticeably changed the tone of his voice and said, "Aw thank you. I hope you like this one, too." Having frantically secured one of the last tickets to the Tuesday Up in the Air screening weeks ago, I had to say, "I can't wait to see it!" That's usually all the conversation you get, but he squeezed in, "It might make you a little sad, though" before moving on. I didn't really know what to say to that, so I giggled. (Also, he was right. But more on that later.)

Finally, on Monday I attended the Bright Star premiere. This was the only one I would attend alone, but by far the most exciting. See, it officially being midterm week, most smart and sane people were studying. Besides, no one extremely famous is in this movie. But I was on a mission to find Ben Whishaw, and I refused to let myself (or his even more loyal fan Tarra) down.

So I waited a few hours. Then, he arrived. I kept my eyes glued to his movements by the press aisle the entire time, waiting for my moment to pounce. I was kinda in between the press and paparazzi aisles, and most of the guests were quickly stopping by our section after being photographed. So as Ben posed for the pictures, my anticipation grew. I had already texted news of his arrival with my hand visibly shaking, and was suppressing the urge to scream. This level of excitement was way more than I had expected, but it's Ben, so it's completely warranted. Anyway, I had been chatting with the guy next to me, who had commented that I didn't have any autographs. "I'm waiting for Ben," I told him. "Well you better scream when he breaks away," he said. "Oh, I so am. You should do it with me." So when Ben finally finished, just minutes before the premiere start time, we both shouted "BEN!" Mine was way louder, and no one else had yelled or even shown much interest in the mesmerizing Mr. Whishaw. He actually turned his head and looked in my direction (AAAAHH) but then was turned around and ushered inside (NOOOOOO).

At this point, my body froze. Did this really just happen? Did I wait for hours, rocking on my feet and patiently watching him talk to press members, for nothing? How could life (and Ben) be so cruel? I was really, really upset, but then some expensive black cars pulled up to the entrance. I had never seen this happen before, and the cars were kept running, so I had to make sure Ben wasn't making a quick exit. After about 25 minutes, I was losing faith and contemplating leaving to go home and cry in a ball on my bed. But then I saw him in the hall. He opened the door and walked outside, and I wasn't taking any chances. I screamed his name again, and he promptly continued walking STRAIGHT TOWARDS ME. "Sorry I didn't stop earlier," he said. "Oh it's fine," I said in a state of utter delirium. I asked him if he could sign something for me. Pitifully, all I had was my planner. I opened to a page in July of this year and handed him my cheesy SU Abroad pen, saying, "Sorry, this is all I have." He said it was fine (!) and then said something magical, "What's your name?" Probably blushing and definitely screaming on the inside, I told him it was Kristin and spelled it out for him when he hesitated. As he was signing, I had to whip out, "I think you're fantastic by the way." Didn't even mention a movie that time. Nope, it was just about him. He said thank you. Again, I was delirious, so I was far from done and added as he moved to the next person, "It's a shame more people don't know you in the States!"

For a sec after that, I was extremely scared that I had insulted Ben Whishaw. I mean, he could take that as a back-handed compliment, right? Like, "sucks that no one knows you, man." But I meant that he's so wonderful that his lack of mega-stardom is inexcusable! Luckily, I think I was alright, as Ben didn't say much to anyone (aw, he's shy) and thus I didn't make much of his non-response.

I quickly peeked at my planner and saw, to my astonishment, the inscription, "To Kristin. With love, Ben Whishaw." I was already freaking out that he had asked my name (not one celebrity at the festival had done that for anyone so far), but he added "with love"! You all know what that means: he's legitimately in love with me. Mission accomplished.

Ben did speak once more, saying to the crowd, "Thank you for waiting out in the cold," with a slight, embarrassed, "I feel guilty" chuckle, which was incredibly endearing. And he let us take some pictures. Then, he disappeared into the black car and was gone. But I was over the moon. Too bad no one else gave a damn (except for the guy next to me, I had to explain to basically the entire group that he was the star of the movie...and they were all British). Whatever, it was their loss. My autograph is now proudly tacked to my bulletin board, and I am currently praying to every god in every religion known to man that he does not recognize me when I wait after his play, too, and see me for the massive creep that I am.

Wow, sorry that was so long, guys. (Despite the title, I really didn't realize I was blabbing about Ben Whishaw so much until I hit "preview.") But look out for part 2, in which I review Up in the Air and Bright Star, after I return from fall break on November 1!

Observation: British People Like Their Movies Crushingly Depressing

2009-10-09T16:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday in film class, my professor (who vaguely resembles Susan Sarandon) remarked, "I think you'll find that a lot of the movies we watch will have sort of...downbeat endings."

No shit. This was right after watching Room at the Top, which closed on the protagonist in a trapped marriage and so broken down that he was literally crying. The week before gave us Brief Encounter, another unbelievably tragic romance that almost brought me to tears (less than 10 movies have actually made me cry). The week before that was a movie theater trip to Fish Tank, a social realist movie in which absolutely nothing good happens. Not one damn marginally happy moment.

Oh, and guess what else we're watching towards the end of class. Atonement. You know, that kinda emotionally draining movie about war-torn lovers?

I don't mean to sound bitter about this; all of these movies have been great, even outstanding. The amount of depressing shit going on in them is just a tad bit overwhelming. To illustrate this feeling, I present a checklist of all the horrible things I've witnessed in the four mentioned movies, and Dirty Pretty Things, another sad British movie I watched outside of class.

Suicide or Suicide Attempt: BE, RATT

Rape: DPT

Kidnapping: FT

Doomed Lovers: A, BE, DPT, FT, RATT

Mugging: FT

Character Gets Beat Up or Severely Injured: A, FT, RATT

Botched Surgeries: DPT

Shitty Living Conditions: DPT, FT, RATT

The Song "Life's a Bitch": FT

Character Judged Because of Class: A, RATT

Massive Lies: A, BE, DPT, RATT

Annoying Naive Girl Who Ruins Everything: A, RATT

Betrayal of a Family Member or Spouse: A, BE, FT

Woman Abandoned by Her Two-Timing Lover: FT, RATT

General Despair: A, BE, DPT, FT, RATT

Looks like Fish Tank and Room at the Top take the cake in terms of abundance of soul-sucking material. Not surprising, considering that The New York Times called Room at the Top "basically cheerless and somber" upon its release and the London Times noted Fish Tank's "bleak worldview where hard-knock women and sado-masochistic desires collide." You know you're getting a not-so-sunny movie when "sado-masochistic desires" are part of the plot outline.

I'm sure you're desperate to soak up as much misery as possible, and what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't provide you with a taste of these two epically tragic British movies? Here's Fish Tank:

And that's actually all you're getting. No Room at the Top trailer on YouTube. Boo Internet, and your bias against old movies.

But next time you're in a fantastic, nothing's-gonna-get-me-down mood and need something that will completely destroy your will to live, why not give a nice British drama a try?

Counting Down to the London Film Festival

2009-10-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have very exciting news from across the pond. In just 13 days, the London Film Festival arrives.

Basically this is me right now:

But you might be thinking, "London Film Festival? I've heard of Cannes and Venice, but London has one too?" While not nearly as internationally prestigious as France and Italy's annual fests, the London Film Festival is making up for its microscopic reputation with a shitload of awesome-looking movies. All of which are playing mere minutes from my flat.

So what exactly is playing/who exactly will I be stalking on the red carpet? I'm glad you asked. Here's a rundown of the movies and stars hitting London in a fortnight (minus one day)....

FANTASTIC MR. FOX

The Movie:

Based on Roald Dahl's book and directed by quirkfest Wes Anderson, Fantastic Mr. Fox is about a war between farmers and a family of foxes. The trailer weirdly has a heist movie vibe to it, and the voices behind these adorable animated characters are pretty damn impressive.

The Stars:

Like I said, impressive. George "I make men, women and children worldwide swoon" Clooney. Meryl "15 Oscar nods" Streep. Bill "I'm in every Wes Anderson movie ever" Murray. Owen "I'm also in pretty much every Wes Anderson movie ever" Wilson. Adrien "hey guys I won an Oscar and kissed Halle Berry" Brody. And some other people I couldn't think of stupid, cutesy nicknames for.

The Trailer:

THE BOYS ARE BACK

The Movie:

A sports writer must raise his two boys alone when his wife passes away. He adopts the child-rearing philosophy of "just say yes," with allegedly hilarious and heartwarming consequences.

The Stars:

Clive Owen. Yes, that suave as hell Brit is in this movie. Now you understand why I'm stalking the premiere.

The Trailer:

BRIGHT STAR

The Movie:

The requisite fall period piece about poet John Keats and his romance with Fanny Brawne.

The Stars:

Up-and-comer Abbie Cornish plays Fanny, while the too cute Ben Whishaw takes on Keats. You may recognize him as one of the Dylans in I'm Not There or as the teddy bear-toting Sebastian in Brideshead Revisited. Paul Schneider of the prestigious "Drunk History" series, has a supporting role.

The Trailer:

AN EDUCATION

The Movie:

Coming-of-age tale about a '60s teen whose relationship with a much older man gives her an unconventional "education." (You see what I did there? "Education"...like the movie's title! I'm a genius.)

The Stars:

It may have received rave reviews, but don't expect a lot of star power. The lead girl is a relative unknown while the leading man, Peter Sarsgaard, is probably best known as Mr. Maggie Gyllenhaal. However, look out for Alfred Molina and Emma Thompson as Jack and "Headmistress," respectively.

The Trailer:

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

The Movie: A reporter investigating a secret government program meets a former psychic spy (or "Jedi warrior") and the two get into all sorts of wartime hijinks.

The Stars: Ewan McGregor plays the American journalist, while George Clooney makes his second London Film Festival appearance as the paranormal spy. Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges are also in the movie, as military men.

The Trailer:

UP IN THE AIR

The Movie: All I got from the trailer was that there's this guy who flies around a lot, and some relationships happen, so I turned to the imdb plot synopsis: Ryan Bingham is a corporate downsizing expert whose cherished life on the road is threatened just as he is on the cusp of reaching ten million frequent flier miles and just after he's met the frequent-traveler woman of his dreams.

The Stars: Though one isn't actually a star, this movie has a double heaping of awesome people named Jason: director Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking, Juno) and supporting actor Jason Bateman. There's also Vera Farmiga (a.k.a. the slutty shrink from The Departed), J.K. Simmons, Zach Galifianakis and Danny McBride. And, once again (with feeling), George Clooney.

The Trailer:

Atom Egoyan's new movie, Chloe, may make it onto my roster, but there's currently no trailer. There's also the new Coen brothers' movie, A Serious Man, and the long-anticipated Viggo Mortensen headliner The Road, but those bastards are dead to me, as they've already sold out. I probably wouldn't have been able to see them anyway, but it's the principle of the thing.

As of today, I will, however be seeing both Bright Star and Up in the Air! Not at the premieres, mind you (though I will be attending the red carpet to scream in Ben Whishaw and Jason Bateman's faces). I'm going the week after, to cheap matinee shows. Still! I'm officially attending two film festival events. So. Freakin. Exciting.

Never Trust a Ho (Named Rotten Tomatoes)

2009-09-30T02:52:00.000-07:00

Any movie fanatic is bound to run into the review site Rotten Tomatoes once in a while. It's a great concept; the site compiles all the reviews of a movie, averaging them into a score which is either "rotten" or "fresh," and thereby helping us decide whether to pay $10 for that new movie we're iffy about. Its UK site also has a cute little modified logo:

Thing is, Rotten Tomatoes has always made me uneasy. The first strike against it is its design. I know that's a superficial complaint, but it feels very jumbled to me, and bad layouts greatly influence my opinion. But more than that, Rotten Tomatoes' unweighted system really bothers me. I mean, it's great that bloggers like me can get their voices out there, but ultimately I don't care what they have to say. People go to authorities for reviews, and the fact that Peter Travers and A.O. Scott are on equal footing with Billy of Billy's Movie Blog (exaggeration, but still) doesn't seem right. There may be a top critics tab, but it's the main merged score that's always quoted.

Today, I've found a whole new reason to stick to metacritic.com. One of imdb's daily links took me to Rotten Tomatoes' worst reviewed movies of the past ten years, which in turn took me to their best reviewed movies of all time. It was already strange that the worst of the last decade got 100 spots while the best ever only got 50, but I had to read it.

Though some of the classic examples weren't cropping up, the movies that made the cut seemed pretty plausible. Then I got to number 34.

Um, really? Risky Business is the number 34 best reviewed movie of all time? Even with Rotten Tomatoes' idiotic criteria of at least 20 reviews, I just can't accept this. People may parody and reference Tom Cruise's no-pants dance party incessantly, but gosh, I have never heard anyone call it "critically acclaimed."

This Risky Business debacle gets even more ridiculous when you consider some of the movies left off the list: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Raging Bull, Lawrence of Arabia and even motherfuckin' Casablanca. RT is supposedly just reporting the facts, but someone there must have a strange vendetta against a lot of good movies, because there is no conceivable world in which Casablanca is not one of the top 10, much less top 50, best reviewed movies of all time.

Oh and the number one best reviewed movie of all time, according to Rotten Tomatoes?

God, who constitutes "critics" in this list? The site founders and their families? Bitter Casablanca haters? The clinically insane?

It's situations like these where I just don't know what to say. This list is utter bullshit yet it is presented as fact. You can't argue with us, RT says, because we're only presenting data. Well I certainly won't be making the mistake of turning to them for anything factual ever again.

The Best Worst Movie Championships

2009-09-15T05:42:00.000-07:00

I got some flack recently for not writing about Troll 2, one of the many contenders for the worst movie of all time and one of my later summer viewings. As I thought about it, I realized that I've actually seen quite a few over-the-top, terrible movies in the past two years. And thus, I decided to make a best worst movie smackdown. I've created seven categories, and have five worthy contenders. In one corner, we have Showgirls, the Paul Verhoeven-directed mess which destroyed Elizabeth Berkeley's career and vigorously straddled (ha) the line between porn and actual cinema. In the next corner, we have Commando, an '80s Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick full of post-kill puns, ridiculous feats of strength and -- strangely -- father-daughter love. In the third corner, we have Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, which is exactly what it sounds like. In the fourth corner, we have Good Burger, the spin-off of Nickelodeon's "All That" sketch featuring the Laurel and Hardy of the '90s, Kenan and Kel. And in the fifth (why not?) corner, we have Troll 2, a horribly produced and horribly acted horror movie that isn't actually scary and doesn't include a single troll.

The bells are sounding. It's time to start the match...

Best Theme Song: "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight," Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

This one was actually a little harder than it might seem. First there's the awesomely '80s Commando song, "We Fight for Love," which gets me just as psyched as watching John Matrix throw telephone booths and share ice cream with his daughter. And "I'm a Dude" from Good Burger? Understated brilliance. "I'm a dude/he's a dude/she's a dude/we're all dudes -- hey!" is all you really need. (Let's not even get started on the interesting gender commentary Kel Mitchell was clearly going for here.) But in the end, you just can't beat "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight." Not only is it a ridiculous title, made even more ridiculous by the drawn out "laaaaaaaid," the lyrics are just too hilarious. We all know that Jesus "came from heaven," but even after years of Catholic school I somehow missed the "two stakes in his hand" and "to smote the vampires" parts. You must be intrigued by this point, so I'll leave you to the music video, surprisingly not by Journey, below.

Worst Hair: Kyle MacLachlan, Showgirls

The first and only time I watched Showgirls was actually for a college intro to film class. My fantastic professor decided to turn it into a Rocky Horror Picture Show-esque screening, giving us props and response commands. While my favorite was yelling, "It's Versace, bitch!" whenever Nomi mispronounced the designer name, my close second was screaming, "Hairpiece!" every single time Kyle MacLachlan appeared on screen.

I can accept that Nomi and Crystal enjoy dog food, or that Nomi truly sees topless lap dances as an art, but what I refuse to buy is that multiple women want to screw a guy with that rug. It's just so goddamn awful. Paul Verhoeven, I know you were probably more concerned with finding new and exciting ways to film as many naked women as possible, but couldn't you have have sprung for a decent hair stylist? Or just some hair gel? Or a comb? Or a mirror?

Best Character Quirk: Bennett Wears Chainmail, Commando

I may love Nomi's unnecessary violence, John Matrix's puns and the fact that Ed enjoys milkshake jacuzzis, but the best quirk has to be the never-explained tendency of Commando's backstabbing Bennett to wear chainmail. Actually, it's more than a tendency. Based on its frequency, it's a lifestyle choice. No matter the occasion -- kidnapping his ex-partner's daughter, negotiating ransom, fighting in a bunker basement -- Bennett is always donning a nice vest of chainmail.

You'd think such a supposedly genius ex-military man would have progressed a little beyond 15th century means of defense, but I guess that's why Bennett ultimately loses: he's not thinking ahead. If he was, he might have seen that whole pipe-in-the-gut thing coming, for one. Regardless though, you gotta respect his commitment. My only wish is that a deleted scene of Bennett at a gala would surface, so we could bask in the glory of a tux-and-chainmail ensemble.

Most Over-the-Top Acting: Deborah Reed, Troll 2

Strangely, this one's a no-brainer. Deborah Reed from Troll 2 reaches levels of hammy atrocity that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Elizabeth Berkeley can only dream of. And best of all, we are treated to two versions of her creepy, crazy, lime-green-sludge-of-death-concocting character. There's the classic old hag who horny teen boys would obviously accept questionable refreshments from, and the young seductress who horny teen boys would obviously have popcorn sex with. You heard me: the movie's big erotic scene is just so hot that it turns an ear of corn into a movie theater snack. Please don't ask -- trying to logically explain Troll 2 would be the same as trying to theorize why Hilary Duff is allowed to fucking desecrate Bonnie & Clyde. It's best for our sanity to just drop the questions, or give Faye Dunaway a much-deserved high-five.

Oh and if nothing else, please please please watch the last 20 seconds. Reed is nowhere to be seen, but it features bar none the best line delivery of all time.

Best Fight: Jesus Christ vs. The Atheists, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

This is real life, I swear. Someone made a movie called Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter in which Jesus's big fight is not with the lesbian-killing vampires but a pissy band of atheists. (He doesn't know them because they've "never talked to him before.") After the two solemn, vaguely gothic atheist leaders introduce themselves, a never-ending arsenal of fighters emerges from their damned-to-hell clown car. Jesus defeats them through an impressive variation of pulling shirts over heads, judo chops, ducks and even knocking out an enemy with her own shoe. He also uses sly diversion tactics such as waving his fingers in his opponent's face. This gem of a fight scene is rounded out with the cheesy sound effects, even cheesier music and not-at-all concealed blocking.

Most Absurd Storyline: Kel & Kenan Trapped in an Asylum with Groovy Mental Patients, Good Burger

Contrasted with some other scenes from the competition, this seems pretty weak. Nomi having an epileptic orgasm in a pool with Hairpiece, John Matrix killing 81 people, Jesus Christ fighting vampires with Mary Magnum and Sancho the Mexican wrestler and every moment of Troll 2 kick the shit out of the following scene in terms of absurdity. But the reason I chose Good Burger is because, in the context of the movie, this makes absolutely no sense. They try to half-ass explain its existence by having Dexter develop a plan of escape from the asylum, but they could have done the escape five million other ways. The appearance of George Clinton, the choreographed dance and the One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest references are all extremely bizarre choices for this admittedly ridiculous movie. Consider the Good Burger audience, and then consider this: would any of them appreciate allusions to a 1975 movie about nonconformity, a funk legend older than their parents or a dance to said funk legend's music? "I'm a Dude," or some more basic Ed antics, seem like a much safer bet.

Besides, why are Ed and Dexter even in a mental hospital? I know Mondo Burger's all evil and powerful, but wouldn't Dexter's parents wonder where he is? Or perhaps his teacher, Sinbad?

Best Line: "You Can't Piss on Hospitality," Troll 2
This was by far the hardest round. So many classics. "I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes, I'm going to shoot you between the balls!" "I was born in a manger, doomed to live in danger." "I used to love Doggy Chow, too!" "Maybe I'm someone famous! Like a baseball player or a pretty nurse!" Yet none of them made me laugh as hard as the Troll 2 line, "You can't piss on hospitality; I won't allow it!"

We need some context here. So, Joshua, this little kid who talks to his dead Grandpa Seth and has an enormous fear of goblins thanks to terrifying bedtime stories by said grandpa, is stuck in Nilbog with his family. He knows something is up in this tiny town, but his oblivious parents and sister think it's quaint. When the family whose home they're renting leaves a suspiciously all-green meal for them, Joshua takes action. Grandpa Seth warns him in a vision that he has less than a minute to stop his family from eating the stuff, which will turn them into vegetables that the (vegetarian) goblins will eat. So he steps onto the table and unzips his fly. Cut to his angry father, pointing at their names hung on the bedroom doors and yelling, "Do you see this writing? Do you know what it means? Hospitality! And you can't piss on hospitality; I won't allow it!"

That's right, it's not just a figure of speech. Joshua took a literal piss on hospitality. I'll, however, allow it, because it gives us the great awfulness that is Troll 2.

KMDB Goes Abroad!

2009-09-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

That's right, folks. This show is hitting the road. I'll be in London until December 17th, marveling at British accents and maybe taking a class or two. Don't worry, one of those classes is British Film, so you can still expect some wildly infrequent posts. I also joined the school film club and my phone network offers half-price movie tickets every week. So don't freak out. Take a deep breath, drink a glass of water, lie down if you have to...I'm not leaving you, I promise.

And I already know the first movie I'll be using my phone rewards on: Dorian Gray. There have been ads for it on every third bus that passes me, and the poster alone had me sold.

But then I watched the trailer, and it's turned me into a raving lunatic. Whoever is walking with me immediately laughs whenever the 55th bus bearing this poster drives by, because I'm bound to yell, "It's haunting me! Dorian Gray is haunting me!" And it is.

Basically, Wednesday can't get here soon enough.

That Thing You Do!: More Evidence That '90s Tom Hanks Kicks Present-Day Tom Hanks' Ass

2009-08-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched Tom Hanks' directorial debut film, That Thing You Do!, and oh boy was it adorable. The movie is the comedic story of '60s teen sensations The Wonders/Oneders, a band from Erie, PA consisting of Jimmy, Guy, Lenny and The Bass Player (he's never named). Lenny, a.k.a Steve Zahn, was definitely the most hilarious. His best quote is as follows: "Are you crazy? A man in a really nice camper wants to put our song on the radio! Gimme a pen, I'm signin'! You're signin'! We're all signin'!" The Bass Player disappearing in Disneyland with some Marines was also funny, and Tom Everett Scott was too cute. But above all else, the music was unbelievably catchy. "That Thing You Do!" has not left my head once since 9 p.m. last night. I even caught myself singing it to my dog earlier today. Clearly, things are getting out of hand.

Approach its music video, embedded below, with caution. If you haven't already heard it, it's going to be stuck in your head. And you're going to wish you were a '60s teen who would look normal dancing to this song rather than a sad sack living in 2009 who can't express her love for it without a weird look or two (dozen). Just warning you....

Right now, The Wonders are ranking up with the musicians from Once and The Blues Brothers as my favorite made-up movie bands (thought I realize The Blues Brothers are technically a made-up TV band). And they're also kicking my Mad Men-magnified '60s nostalgia up another level. It sounds like a great era to live in! Well, apart from the sexism, racism, assassinations, missile crises and general unrest. Let's focus on Guy "Shades" Patterson instead.

Summer 2009 Movie Wrap-Up

2009-08-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

While a few stragglers like Taking Woodstock have yet to hit theaters, the 2009 summer movie season has essentially come to a close. That means it's time for some reflection on the summer that gave us battling robots, a poor man's When Harry Met Sally reenactment, the first universally acclaimed Iraq war movie and the return of the boy who lived.

Looking at the line-up back in May, I was struck by how few superhero movies popped up. Sure, there was Wolverine, but just last summer, three comic book crime fighters graced the silver screen (Iron Man, Batman and the Hulk). One measly X-Men spin-off seemed a little strange. Yet there was no shortage of popcorn flicks. G.I. Joe, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Star Trek, Terminator Salvation, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and several others filled the gap that the absence of The Joker left.

Initially, there also seemed to be less sequels, but five, along with two reboots and a remake, made for standard fare. And don't go giving the remaining summer '09 filmmakers too much credit for originality: book adaptations (Julie & Julia, The Time Traveler's Wife, My Sister's Keeper, Public Enemies), TV show adaptations (The Land of the Lost) and even toy adaptations (G.I. Joe and Transformers) were in the mix, too.

But there were some startlingly unique movies. The three that deserve the most credit in my mind are (500) Days of Summer, District 9 and The Hurt Locker.

Unsurprisingly, (500) Days of Summer was my favorite movie of the summer. This charming indie flick was one of the most genuinely delightful and different romantic comedies I've seen in years. While some of the old cliches are there -- a Twinkie-fueled post-break-up slump, an idiotic best friend -- (500) Days of Summer found wonderful ways to make them its own. Moreover, the nonlinear storyline was a refreshing approach that made the characters' interactions all the more intimate and enjoyable...and at times, completely devastating. I've been a huge fan of Joseph Gordon-Levitt since his awesome turns in Brick, The Lookout and 10 Things I Hate About You, but he has forever cemented a place on my favorites list with this movie. His Tom was not only loveable, but interestingly assumed many of the traits typically assigned to rom-com heroines. On the flip side, the always adorable Zooey Deschanel took the cynical "I don't believe in love" stance so often propagated by reluctant male protagonists. But even more important than inverted gender norms is this. I have watched it at least eight times online, and shamelessly bobbed along to the music when I first saw the movie in theaters. I'm going to choose to ignore how pathetic that makes me and instead focus on how infectious it is, along with the whole damn movie.

Another original and awesome movie I saw this summer was the recent sleeper hit, District 9. The documentary style, notably adopted by Cloverfield, and lack of any A-listers created a movie that -- despite the presence of aliens -- seemed surprisingly real. The allegory to apartheid and immigration has been discussed enough, so I'll limit myself to this: it's rare to see a sci-fi popcorn flick that makes you think, too. As with (500) Days of Summer, what struck me the most was the movie's unconventional lead character. Wikus van de Merwe was certainly sympathetic and, on the whole, a really nice guy. However, there were moments when he was selfish. He didn't always think of others or look for opportunities to be the hero, as with typical action protagonists. Ironically, this made him more identifiable to audience members. Because let's be honest, if you were in Wikus's situation (which I refuse to spoil), you'd probably be a teensy bit concerned about yourself. It's nice to see a movie that finally reflects such human flaws, and provides a suspenseful and intelligent sci-fi story.

The final most creative summer movie award goes to The Hurt Locker. Billed as the one good Iraq War movie, it's unquestionably the most intense and nail-bitting film of the summer. It follows three members of a bomb squad unit, who have about a month of service left. Though adequate time is spent developing these characters and showing more quiet interactions, the focus is several isolated calls to diffuse explosives. You'll find yourself muttering "oh shit" or "holy crap" at least five times -- the biggest one for me was the moment depicted in the poster -- and fascinated by relative unknown Jeremy Renner's performance. The movie's already considered a frontrunner for Best Picture, but there's some buzz around Renner (soon to be Jon Hamm's costar!) as well. It's a testament to the uniqueness of this movie that he and costars Anthony Mackie and Brian Geraghty dominate the story, while the few famous people in it are limited to about five minutes of screen time. Unlike previous Iraq War movies, you won't find a political message in The Hurt Locker. But you will find an amazingly suspenseful and perfectly executed movie on the dangerous lives of three soldiers.

I'm also giving Moon a first runner-up for most creative. Though it was clearly influenced by past sci-fi movies, the twist it took was very interesting. Plus, this is the opportunity for all those Iron Man 2 enthusiasts to say they knew Sam Rockwell (soon-to-be villain Justin Hammer) before he faced off with Tony Stark.

My remaining (though admittedly less original) favorites from the season include Up, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Star Trek. I had never seen so much as a Spock action figure, let alone a Star Trek episode or movie, before May, but J.J. Abrams' reboot was too much fun. The Kirk-Spock banter was excellent, and the action was awesome. As for Up and Harry Potter, they were both just as great as I expected. Call me crazy, but I actually liked Up even more than Wall-E (though I could just be a sucker for talking dogs and floating houses). Like all Pixar movies, it was imaginative, funny and ridiculously cute. Then there was Harry Potter, so cruelly held from us an extra eight months. But I found it to be worth the wait. It was definitely the funniest of the series, to start with. Too often the characters' adolescence is forgotten in favor of mysterious potions and CGI creatures, so it was refreshing to see the comical side of being an awkward Hogwarts teenager. The dark tone was still appropriately maintained, notably in the opening and the later, extremely disturbing scene with Katie Bell. Draco may be looking a little old for a 16-year-old, but I'm pumped for the last two.

Thankfully, I avoided most of the worst summer movies. Well, minus an unfortunate encounter with The Ugly Truth. And a less aggravating yet tiresome viewing of Terminator Salvation. (After watching him yell for almost two hours, I'm starting to think Christian "Are You Professional?" Bale's rant was just a leaked rehearsal.) So I'll spare you an equally lengthy condemnation of the potential 2009 Razzie winners. All in all, this was a pretty standard summer. Now that we're approaching Oscar season, though, it's time to leave behind the wham, bam, thank you ma'am blockbusters for some more understated prestige. And Sherlock Holmes. I haven't mentioned that movie, have I?

(Outdated) Angry Observations: Why the Last King of Scotland DVD Cover Blows

2009-08-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

So I noticed this in the Borders discount DVD bin the other day and almost screamed in frustration.

I've already talked about how absurdly underappreciated James McAvoy is for his role in The Last King of Scotland, but this takes the cake. We get it, Fox. Forest Whitaker was really good in this, and won an Oscar. That doesn't give you a free pass to ignore the rest of the cast. Oh, what's that?You popped Kerry Washington in the corner? What. The. Fuck. Though you refuse to admit it, James McAvoy was basically the second lead actor in this movie. Kerry Washington, on the other hand, was in maybe 1/3 of it. Maybe.

So what have you got against James McAvoy? While he's not a huge name, he's done consistently well with the critics and even has one Golden Globe and two BAFTA nods under his belt. He also won the BAFTA Rising Star award in 2006. (And even more impressively, he built himself up fast: he only started getting major roles in 2002/2003. Though maybe you remember his less-than-ten-minute spot on Band of Brothers.)

Let's see, he's also got a devoted fan base, and, most importantly, he's so freakin' likeable I can't stand it. How on earth could you not love him? I submit this video, and every other interview he's done with Craig Ferguson, as evidence of what has been dubbed "the Scottish vacuum of charm."

Oh and b.t. dubs, he's currently pegged as a favorite for Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro's surefire hit The Hobbit. Even supposed (and hilariously absurd) rival Daniel Radcliffe is pulling for him. So yeah, pretty soon he might be kind of a big deal. People will know him. And you, DVD cover designer, will not be invited to his apartment, which I'd imagine smells of rich mahogany and features many leatherbound books. You smelly pirate hooker, you.

Update: The brilliant Tarra has remedied the problem.

Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: John Cusack

2009-08-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

Before I get to the second installment of "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally," I thought I'd mention a few things. First: the Emmy people actually (sorta) listened to me! I was happy enough that Elisabeth Moss, Jane Krakowski and -- although they weren't on my official list -- Tracy Morgan and Jack MacBrayer made it. But the Emmy people didn't stop there. Jon Hamm got not one, but two Emmy nods! I guess the voters loved his turn as the too-pretty-for-his-own-good Dr. Drew Baird just as much as I did. If only he could have been nominated for his completely deserving SNL hosting gig, too. Then again, three occasions to see his way too handsome face on the five-way-split screen? He might have caused another plane crash.

As much as I enjoyed those Emmy choices, there was one glaring error that has not stopped bothering me. How the hell did Jemaine Clement get a nod for Flight of the Conchords while his partner in crime Bret McKenzie got nothing? As Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler would say...really? You finally decide to nominate Flight of the Conchords, after a significantly weaker season, but you can only spare one nod for lead actor? Charlie Sheen and Tony Shaloub made the cut again, but Bret couldn't? Are you trying to make this lovable duo hate each other? If you make Bret cry (and it hasn't just been raining on his face), I swear to god, I will sick Albi the Racist Dragon and a pack of epileptic dogs on your sorry ass.

Anyway, back to someone who needs a little more attention: John Cusack. The man whom Chuck Klosterman claims any woman born between the years of 1965 and 1978 would "sell her soul to share a milkshake with" has been suffering a pretty lackluster career lately. His last string of movies -- including The Contract, Igor, Martian Child, Grace Is Gone and War, Inc. -- all bombed or disappointed. His next big movie is the disaster epic 2012, which looks pretty craptastic. The last genuinely amazing movie of his I've seen was back in 2000 (though 2003's Identity was enjoyable) and the last movie of his that people truly cared about was in 2001. What happened to the former '80s heartthrob turned interesting and/or charming leading man?

Truth be told, John Cusack has always been a little hit or miss when it comes to his script choices. Looking at his IMDB filmography, there's a startling mixture of movies I liked or at least recognize (High Fidelity, Being John Malkovich, Grosse Point Blank, etc.) and movies even the Internet has largely forgotten (I'm unconvinced that This Is My Father and The Jack Bull are actual movies). I guess Cusack's precarious track record was finally compromised. Mid-life crisis? Bad agent? Who knows, but he needs to fix it.

Luckily, this is one "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally" that has a (likely) happy ending. And it's all thanks to four magical words: Hot Tub Time Machine. I'm not talking about my ideal mode of time travel transportation -- I'm talking about a movie. A 100% real movie, starring John Cusack, called Hot Tub Time Machine. Now, instinct tells me that this will be the greatest movie ever made, but reason (that dumb whore) tells me that this could end up being a moronic bore rather than campy excellence. So I'm not going to close Cusack's file just yet, but he's one of the few "ATNTBSFTP" cases I'm optimistic about.

Besides, even if Hot Tub Time Machine ends up bombing, it's nice to see John Cusack returning to his '80s roots. I said it once and I'll say it again: whoever says Say Anything... is Cusack's best '80s movie has clearly never seen Better Off Dead. For evidence, see below.

The Emmy Ballot of Champions, Part 2

2009-07-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

Since the actual Emmy nominations come out in, oh, two days, I thought I should finally get around to that part two I promised so long ago. The reason I put it off so long was that I realized something quickly after starting it: I have no clue what I'm talking about. Supporting actors are easier because there are lots of shows with strong ensembles or that you mainly watch for one actor (like NPH -- the 09 Emmy host! Someone finally listened to me). But lead actors are harder. I mean, honestly, does anyone watch one of the female-centric comedies not starring Tina Fey?

Some of these choices are subsequently going to be a little ridiculous and desperate, but I do have one or two pet causes that need to be represented. So let's get down to it.

BEST LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Jon Hamm - Mad Men

Did you really expect me to ignore Jon Hamm after my already shameless display of Mad Men love? (Don't worry, there's still more coming.) As usual, Don Draper continued to blow me away anytime he said anything, and puzzle me to no end. The awesome thing about this character is that you can think he's a loathsome womanizer -- and he is -- but you can also find yourself doing fist pumps when he says things like, "I don't have a contact" (just typing it gets me excited). The California stuff this past season could have easily gone awry, but Hamm predictably made it bizarrely fascinating. Damn him and his lethal combination of genuine talent, good looks and - gasp! - a sense of humor.

Bryan Cranston - Breaking Bad

This is one of those cop-out choices I mentioned. I've only seen the first three episodes of Breaking Bad, so I'm in absolutely no position to campaign for Cranston. But I liked those episodes, and have an undying loyalty towards AMC for airing Mad Men and movies like Commando, so why not? His cancer clearly progressed this season, so there was probably some dramatic stuff going down, which I'd imagine he handled well. I'll get back to you next month, when I swear I'm going to catch up with this show. (Along with about five others. Oy vey.)

BEST LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

January Jones - Mad Men

Okay, this really is it. John Slattery isn't going to pop up unexpectedly, I swear. As much as I truly believe that Hamm, Hendricks and Moss deserve nods, this was an incredible season for Jones. MM creator Matthew Weiner (that brilliant, brilliant man) said it best: where season one Betty was a docile child, season two Betty was a rebellious teenager. Don's infidelity, boozing and overall neglect finally got to her and we got some pretty surprising moments from suburbia's Grace Kelly. Like, for instance, the scene following this screenshot. As the Ashleys from Recess would say: scandalous!

Glenn Close - Damages

I have not seen a single episode of Damages. Not even a minute of one. But Glenn Close is awesome, and somehow did not get an Oscar for Dangerous Liaisons. Hence, she is included.

So...how about that bunny scene in Fatal Attraction? Pretty freaky, huh? Michael Douglas is kind of a jerk in that movie, though. Everyone seems to forget that since she's so batshit crazy. What do you think that says about --

Oh thank god. I've filled up enough space to stop babbling.

BEST LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Steve Carell - The Office

This man does not have an Emmy. To borrow a phrase from Gay Perry, how in pluperfect hell is that possible? Though the last two seasons of The Office have been questionable, Steve Carell has never once slipped. He continues to deliver as Michael Scott, whose unbelievable social ineptitude is matched only by his surprising humanity. Michael is probably the toughest character to play not only on The Office but most current sitcoms, yet the Emmys have overlooked Carell's genius in favor of Ricky Gervais and Alec Baldwin. I won't argue that Gervais isn't also astoundingly uncomfortable in Extras, but I'm pretty freakin' sick of the fawning over Baldwin. He's good on 30 Rock, but honestly, he's not a god. Steve Carell, on the other hand, just might be.

Lee Pace - Pushing Daisies

Oh, Lee Pace. What am I going to do without you? While the Pushing Daisies supporting cast is hilarious (see part 1), you stand for everything that is adorable, endearing and sweet about the show. There's no way to make this not sound cheesy, so I'm just going for it: you are its heart. And I love you for that, as well as so many other things. Including but not limited to that time you dressed as a cowboy.

Zach Braff - Scrubs

After the travesty that was season seven of Scrubs, I was relieved that they got another shot to end things right. Still, I was skeptical that the show could regain the greatness that has made its reruns a staple of Comedy Central. But boy did it ever. The season ender (which is the last episode of the show for me) was perfection. And while we have to thank Sarah Chalke, Donald Faison, Judy Reyes, John C. McGinley, Neil Flynn, Ken Jenkins and Bill Lawrence (whew!) for that, Zach Braff is and always has been the show's strongest player. His willingness to be the butt of every joke and complete abandon when it comes to JD's fantasies make him one of sitcoms' most likeable stars. It's kinda ridiculous that he's only been nominated once for this show. Emmy people, fix that. It's the only way we'll get him to keep doing comedy and stop doing Garden State offshoots. You won't like him when he's indie.

BEST LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Tina Fey - 30 Rock

I'm not even going to put another BS candidate in here to beef up the category. This is Tina Fey's slot, and it's just plain silly to argue with her over it. Besides, how can you begrudge her a nod? She gave us so much -- Liz's sex line commercial, an inspired Muppet impression and the return of jury duty-evading Princess Leia. On top of that, she brought Jon Hamm on for a three episode arc. As you can imagine, my poor brain is still recovering from the levels of awesomeness in those installments, especially those in "The Bubble."

Overhead on the Metro, Transformers Edition

2009-07-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

Today, in the midst of one of the most frustrating Metro rides of my life, I eavesdropped on a conversation that both destroyed and restored my faith in teenage boys. As you may have guessed, it concerned Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the latest Michael Bay fiasco that took $201 million in its first five days. Sadly, I'd gotten used to boys automatically dubbing it the best movie ever, but then I heard this exchange. I was astonished to find one boy voicing my exact (and extremely negative) opinion* to his enthusiastic friend. Don't worry though, his assclown buddy more than balances out the hope I gleamed from this:

Boy #1 (who will henceforth be referred to as "common sense"): ...maybe catch a movie on the way back. Just not Transformers 2, 'cause that was crap.

Boy #2 (who will henceforth be referred to as "fuckface"): Dude don't say that! I really wanna see it!

Common Sense: Well I guess if you go in with really low expectations, you'll like it.

Fuckface: Okay, but it's got Megan Fox, so it can't be that bad.

Common Sense: C'mon man, you need to have a certain amount of...I don't know, talent?

Fuckface: Whatever, dude. It's got Megan Fox and robots beating the shit out of each other. Plus the first one was amazing.

Common Sense: If these train doors were open, I would push you out right now. It's people like you that keep Michael Bay in business.

Fuckface: I don't even know who the fuck that is. Besides, okay, so I read that all the critics, like, hate it, right?

Common Sense: Yes, I am one of those critics.

Fuckface: Right, but all the normal people -- like me -- and not the elitists...well, no, you're not elite, but all the average people thought it was alright. And there are way more of us than there are of you.

At this point, my memory of the conversation ends. I can't decide if either: a) common sense had to sadly acknowledge that fuckface was right -- there are many more idiots like him than there are "elitists," b) I withdrew my attention to suppress laughter over fuckface's complete misunderstanding of the word "elitist" or c) I had to stop myself from slapping fuckface. Either way, that was it. I decided to share it because it actually perfectly sums up Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. As much as common sense tells us it's crap, there are plenty of fuckfaces that love explosions and hot, stupid girls. So many, in fact, that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen almost broke The Dark Knight's opening box office. Yep, Heath Ledger's iconic (not really) last performance was almost overshadowed by a robot named Bumblebee.

You'd think I'd be more depressed by this, but with only two more weeks 'til (500) Days of Summer, nothing's going to get me down. Speaking of which, watch the trailer right now if you haven't already. It looks a lot like Annie Hall, only without the annoying presence of Woody Allen. (Translation: incredible!)

Before you say it's too indie, I present two facts: it has the never-too-much-anything-except-awesome Joe G-L and features a Hall & Oates song in its trailer. So shut up.

*Disclaimer: Though I have sat through Transformers, I haven't actually seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I know it's a little unfair for me to bash a movie I haven't even watched, but I feel like there are certain movies that are so awful, you get a free ride. I mean, c'mon, how many people saw Gigli? That doesn't stop the other 324901740917234 non-viewers from making fun of it.

The Emmy Ballot of Champions

2009-06-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know, that says Emmy. Not Oscar or Golden Globe, Emmy. I've been trying to stick to movie topics, but Emmy nomination season makes it really tough. I'm forced to sit helpless as various commentators pick the nominees and mystical, unpredictable voters actually decide them. I was in the middle of sulking when I remembered, "Hey! I have a blog, like thousands of other losers, that ten people read. I can make a difference!" So I decided to make my own Emmy ballot, though really it's more of an extended FYC post. Thing is, I don't see nearly enough TV to make a fair ballot, so instead I honor the following actors because they're awesome. You'll notice some show biases, but hey, we've all got them. Plus that just means you should really get into these shows.

I know you may be wary of my opinion, as I've yet to prove myself as any kind of TV (pseudo-)authority, so I'll just put this out there: I have an amazing track record of converting people to my shows. I'm probably at least somewhat responsible for 1/3 of my high school's The Office-watching population, and just this year I bagged four Mad Men enthusiasts. It may be that, like Andy Bernard, I possess the ability to slowly -- and painfully -- wear someone down, but I'd like to think that I have good taste in TV. So hopefully you'll bear with me on this break with blog tradition, for I'm proud to present KMDB's 2009 (kind of) Emmy ballot!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Neil Patrick Harris - How I Met Your Mother

Neil Patrick Harris, or NPH as he is affectionately known, is pretty much perfection personified. (How do you like that alliteration?) He's not only musically and magically talented, but unbelievably funny. And I mean unbelievably. Just listening to Barney's excited giggle in "Sorry, Bro" had me dying, so let's not even get started on the Naked Man or his depicted rave outfit. I know I've previously declared Dev Patel the world's most adorable person, but NPH is a very close second -- even when he's playing the world's biggest skeeze.

Chi McBride - Pushing Daisies

It isn't easy being a gruff PI in such whimsical outfits. I mean, shit, Chuck Bass would envy some of this guy's patterns (though Chuck still holds the distinction of creating what I desperately hope is the new official uniform of the NBA). That said, Chi McBride makes it work. He's a necessary and wonderful foil against all the chipper Pushing Daisies characters who still has his fair share of aww moments. For evidence, see the entire "Water and Power" episode. He's just a big teddy bear! In all honesty though, two of the things I'll miss most about this tragically deceased show are his antagonistic relationship with Dead Girl and hearing the name Emerson Cod enunciated with relish by Jim Dale.

Honorable Mention: Bill Hader for Saturday Night Live

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Michael Emerson - Lost

Because it's been four seasons, and I still never know what the hell Ben is up to. He tricks me into thinking he might not be pure evil every damn time. Also, as Dan Hopper at the Best Week Ever blog points out, he got beat up a lot this year. The least we can do is give him an Emmy.

Jeremy Davies/Terry O'Quinn/Josh Holloway - Lost

Clearly I don't watch as many dramas as comedies. Still, each of these guys had dynamic seasons. Sawyer shaved and lost some sass, Daniel Faraday manically tried to fix the island's time jumping and Locke dealt with that whole being dead thing. None easy tasks, but these three excelled. As much as I'm pulling for them though, I would be happy with any nods for the exceptional Lost cast. That even includes the non-stop bitchfest that is Matthew Fox.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Kristin Chenoweth - Pushing Daisies

The picture says it all. While the Pushing Daisies cast is far from weak, Kristin Chenoweth is hands down the funniest of the bunch. Whether hanging out in a nunnery, pondering Ned's use of the double negative or singing "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie, she always finds a way to make you smile...even when she's pitifully pining over Ned.

Jane Krakowski - 30 Rock

Alright, confession time: it took me a very long time to get into 30 Rock. Even after the entire first season I still wasn't completely sold, but I was always a fan of the supporting cast, especially Jane Krakowski. In fact, the first time I really remember laughing was when Jenna told Liz how she was going to "use her sexuality" to evade unemployment. This season was probably her best yet, and she was the star of my favorite subplot: the disastrous Janis Joplin biopic (eventually dubbed "Jackie Jormp-Jormp" due to copyright issues). Her delusions and desperation were as wild and hysterical as ever, as evidenced by...well, here, see for yourself:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Elisabeth Moss - Mad Men

Many people maintain that Elisabeth Moss got her SAG nomination solely for her emotional scene with Vincent Kartheiser in the Mad Men season two finale. That mesmerizing encounter may be enough to clinch her an Emmy nod, but her amazing work all season long makes it a near necessity. Though each and every Mad Men character is endlessly fascinating, Peggy is probably the most interesting one (well, apart from Don Draper, of course). I’m never quite sure what’s going on in her head. This season put her in a bunch of unusual situations, ranging from a promotion to some ambiguous encounters with a priest (no, not in that way). Moss rose to the occasion in each of them, channeling everything from shame to smug satisfaction to barely restrained devastation.

Christina Hendricks - Mad Men

I know, I know. Two Mad Men shout-outs in a row? Seems like overkill, especially after my Lost double-header. Trust me though, this show really is as incredible as all the critics say. What especially impresses me is the great roles this show writes for women, and the remarkable actresses who embody them. Joan has always been a character whose confidence and -- let's be honest -- bitchiness was just fun to watch, yet she showed a completely different side this season in light of her engagement. I don't want to spoil anything, so I'll just say this: Joan's most crucial scene this season makes Peggy's tearjerker look like a picnic in the park.

Look out for part 2, featuring the lead actors, sometime in the not-so-distant future!

Shutter Island: Yet Another Reason for My Declining Mental Health

2009-06-11T17:41:00.000-07:00

No, no, no, no, NO! I can't take this anymore! Enough, Hollywood! Enough with the awesome movies that are literally driving me insane. I was already up to Annie Wilkes mode because of Sherlock Holmes and now you drop the Shutter Island trailer on my lap. Seriously, are you trying to drive me to full-on Norman Bates craziness? Robert Downey, Jr. as Sherlock Holmes is more than enough to occupy the rest of my year, but now I've got another Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese movie to deal with. You realize that I love them both to pieces? And that each of their movies together has been better than the one before? Logic dictates that Shutter Island will be better than The Departed. Let me repeat that: better than The Departed. Only one of my favorite movies of all time, and Leonardo DiCaprio's career best. Plus you've gone and thrown Jackie Earle Haley into the mix. Honestly, stop fucking with my mind. The guy who stole Watchmen and Little Children is in this movie. With Leonardo DiCaprio. And directed by Martin Scorsese.

What's next? Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Kate Winslet, James McAvoy, Cate Blanchett and Lee Pace in a movie by the reanimated corpse of Alfred Hitchcock? (Dear lord, don't even put that cast together. It will start with me laughing maniacally and end with an even more twisted version of A Clockwork Orange.)

Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: Wes Bentley

2009-06-09T09:35:00.001-07:00

Hello again, my dear readers. Today I write the first installment of a new recurring series I like to call "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally." In each new post, I will detail the tragic downfall of some truly talented actor's career. I'm not interested in their personal lives here, just the awful movies that blemish their resumes. Originally this was going to be a single post, but seeing as there are so many actors in need of saving nowadays, I thought I should expand the project. Let's take a look at our first case...

Ask anyone to name the first thing that comes to mind when you say American Beauty, and he or she will probably respond with, “That beautiful creep with the plastic bag!” That beautiful creep would be none other than Wes Bentley. You’d think that after creating such a compelling and slightly unsettling character this guy would have a lot of great roles ahead of him. Not so. He’s only appeared in 13 movies since American Beauty – which was 10 years ago – and they include such illustrious titles as The White River Kid and Ghost Rider. That’s right, Wes Bentley has stooped to starring with the very bane of my existence, Nicolas Cage. People say that he’s notoriously picky when it comes to choosing scripts, but if so, poor Wes doesn’t seem to have a shred of common sense. What on earth made him think that a movie with Ray Romano (The Last Word) was a solid decision?

Perhaps more disappointing than his costars is his long list of crappy horror movies. Stuff like P2 isn't just painful to watch, it practically betrays what Wes was all about in the early days. See, the great thing about Ricky from American Beauty is that you have such a hard time telling whether he’s actually a freakish psychopath or just misunderstood. Playing a straight-up slasher really takes away from what Wes accomplished with that role, especially when it’s in a movie about a freakin’ parking garage.

Is it too late to stick him in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland? He could fit in so easily, it's not even funny. If he wants to avoid being typecast as the weirdo though, how about the Fahrenheit 451 remake? Guy Montag is a pretty interesting character, and trying out a new genre (sci-fi) might do Wes some good.

I know I’m investing a lot in a guy who was in one movie I liked, but he had such a promising start. That’s why pictures like this just kill me. There’s Wes, so close to a good movie yet so far away.

Confession: I Am a Lying Whore (for Andy "Motherlover" Samberg)

2009-06-01T18:21:00.000-07:00

As some of you may recall, last year I wrote a pretty nasty post about the MTV Movie Awards in which I essentially declared them dead to me. Well apparently I have no convictions whatsoever, because at 9 pm last night I found myself transfixed on this joke of an awards show once again.

See, I wasn't counting on MTV to pull the Andy Samberg card. Those bastards must have known that I would follow him to the ends of the earth, singing Iran So Far Away and the Awesometown intro until I collapsed from heat exhaustion and/or severe frostbite. All it took was Andy, and just like that I was back to a show that insists that Twilight is a better movie than The Dark Knight, Iron Man and Slumdog Millionaire.

Horrible? Yes. An absolute travesty? Duh. Yet I knew Twilight was going home with the gold. Anyone who has ever watched MTV should have. But just because I had to watch them present golden popcorn to people who destroy my faith in humanity didn't mean I wasn't going to laugh.

And so laugh I did. It wasn't as funny as it could have been, but my love for Andy Samberg has in no way diminished. His intro had some great moments, including Aziz Ansari making the Spocks cry like little bitches, Andy and his buddy Justin Timberlake having an awkward encounter and Andy insisting "No, you're the a-hole" to President Barack Obama. The ensuing monologue could've used a little work, but let's be real: it would've been legen- wait for it- dary if the notoriously broody Robert Pattinson had *actually* put his hands up for playing Edward Cullen. Have a sense of humor, Pattsy. Half of the world is laughing at you already.

Next, some awards were given out. Eminem performed. I didn't care. Then came something magical. Something that all those stupid Samberg critics should take a good hard look at. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Explosions":

Where do I even begin? The whole concept is genius, first of all. Andy's outfit is also a win. Will Ferrell...was alright I guess. Not gratingly annoying like he usually is nowadays, so he's got that going for him. And that keyboard solo? My opinion of J.J. Abrams just went from "he's a moderately cool guy" to "OMJJ can we please hang out and be best friends for life??"

The rest of the show never really matched that level of awesomeness, but Andy still had some tricks up his sleeve. My second favorite was probably his Doubt Digital Short, complete with video game action so good it's sacrilegious...and Kiv!

Obviously if Andy's Lonely Island partners had been more involved, the show would have been more consistently hilarious. There was definitely a Jorma deficiency. Seeing him weep after Forest Whitaker, Leann Rimes and Chris Isaak's take on some of the Dudes' greatest hits was definitely not enough. I mean, I was practically crying after that awful display. The concept has worked before (see Josh Groban in "I'm F**king Ben Affleck") but you DO NOT let Leann Rimes mess with "Jizz in My Pants." You just don't. It could have been funny if she and her cohorts were backing up normal performances by the Lonely Island, but this so-called tribute was just bad. I was a little less angry at Forest Whitaker, though. He was kinda amusing, and still has about 500 Last King of Scotland points, as well as 5 million "Blame It" points, to use up before he's on my bad side.

I end this recap with an earnest plea to movie executives: make Andy's proposed project Driving Miss Daisy: The Early Years, starring Leighton Meester and Lil' Wayne, a reality. You probably think I'm greedy after the announcement that Ed Westwick will play Heathcliff in a new Wuthering Heights, but we all need this. If anything can bring about world peace, it's a movie where Lil' Wayne drives Blair Waldorf around in her limo. You better believe there would be an original KMDB movie poster if I actually had PhotoShop. Until that wonderful day comes, I leave some visual aids for your imagination/consideration.

Think about it.

How Do I Loathe Thee, New "10 Things I Hate About You" TV Show? Let Me Count the Ways.

2009-05-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw an ad for the new 10 Things I Hate About You TV show, and was forced to confront the fact that this is not the sick joke we all wish it was. ABC Family has boldly decided to desecrate one of the greatest '90s teen comedies and one of Heath Ledger's best roles with a new series, starring kids from Camp Rock and Sky High. You know what that means: time for some angry poetry, inspired by the famous poem from the original 10 Things I Hate About You.

I hate the way you're ruining a classic '90s movie.

If I could I'd destroy all the footage with a Mini Uzi.

I hate the way you dared to replace the awesome original cast.

Why can't you leave these characters where they belong, in the past?

I hate the way you gave Heath's role to that loser Ethan Peck.

He may be Gregory's grandson, but he's going to be a wreck.

I hate the way you advertise, and that you exist at all.

But mostly I just hate you. So please find a big cliff and fall.

(They're looking at you, ABC Family.)

Sherlock Holmes Watch, Continued

2009-05-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

Keep it together....keep it together. You can do this. It's only two minutes and 22 seconds of Robert Downey, Jr. with a British accent playing one of your favorite literary characters ever. It's only funny and action-packed and dripping with awesome sauce. Wait, what the hell is awesome sauce? I'm getting delirious. Okay, okay, back on track. This is not a big deal. Not a big deal. It's not like it ends on an absurd and hilarious zinger. It's not like Jude Law and Robert Downey, Jr. are perfect together. This movie is probably going to suck after all.

I didn't mean it!!! God strike me down for spewing such blasphemy! Who the hell am I kidding? I'm on the verge of tears/hyperventilation/a complete mental breakdown and I've only seen two minutes of this beautiful gift to humanity. I'm really starting to doubt that I'll have any semblance of sanity by the time this finally hits theaters.

I apologize to anyone reading this who isn't already obsessed with Sherlock Holmes, because you're going to be dealing with this for the rest of the year. Sorry.

The Seven Best Cameos Evah!

2009-05-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

I've read a lot of "best cameos" lists, and somehow I always seem to have an issue with them. Either the author doesn't really understand the definition of a cameo role (if they have more than one scene, they're usually supporting characters) or they overlook some fantastic ones. Silly YouTube hasn't posted a lot of the ones I wanted to include, but here's a smattering of my favorite blink and you miss 'em performances.

Catherine Scorsese - Goodfellas

You probably wouldn't expect Martin Scorsese, the undisputed master of the mobster movie, to be very sentimental, but he put his parents Charles and Catherine in many of his films before their deaths in 1993 and 1997 (all together now: awww). Catherine provides one of Goodfellas' best comic scenes as Tommy's concerned Italian mother, who loans him a knife, shows off a painting and feeds three mobsters in the middle of one hectic night.

Kurt Vonnegut - Back to School

Anything with Kurt Vonnegut is an automatic win in my book. The guy could literally pop up for one second, say nothing and I'd be satisfied. Well, actually, that's basically what happens in this scene from Back to School, a little-known '80s Rodney Dangerfield movie. It's a pretty mediocre movie on its own, but considering it's got a cameo by a legend like Vonnegut, it skyrockets a bajillion and five points. Approximately.

Alice Cooper - Wayne's World

My first introduction to Alice Cooper was through Wayne's World, so before I ever heard "School's Out" or "I'm Eighteen," I knew him as the slightly scary guy with an impressive knowledge of Milwaukee. The whole Milwaukee segment of the movie is arguably the best part, from Cooper (and Chris Farley)'s cameos to Wayne and Garth's parody of Laverne and Shirley (the tail end of which starts this video). The following shtick was done several times on Saturday Night Live, such as when Wayne and Garth asked Aerosmith about U.S. relations with China, but with unhinged types like Cooper it's always gold.

Alfred Hitchcock - Lifeboat

Alfred Hitchcock practically invented the cameo, appearing in 39 of his 52 surviving movies. While he's normally just a man passing on the street, he had to get creative in Lifeboat, a movie which takes place on one set: a small boat. So what did he do? Put himself in a newspaper ad, of course:

Another one of his more original cameos came in Dial M for Murder, during which Hitchcock appears in a class reunion photo. The guy may have had some issues (weird phobia of eggs, fixation on blondes), but man did he know how to do a cameo.

Lance Armstrong - Dodgeball

David Hasselhoff makes a fantastic cameo in this movie as well, but you've got to give credit to Lance Armstrong. In addition to motivating Peter LeFleur (Vince Vaughn) to get back in the game, he does some great self-skewering. Plus there's that pitch-perfect closing line of "Good luck, Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever."

Billy Idol - The Wedding Singer

In the climax to this cinematic ode to (often terrible) '80s fashion, hair and music, Billy Idol shows up to help Robbie (Adam Sandler) win Julia (Drew Barrymore) over. She's on her way to Vegas to marry Miami Vice-loving a-hole Glenn, so he's got his work cut out for him. Luckily, Billy Idol gets it, and not only introduces Robbie's cute song but, with some help from a fan and a stewardess, locks Glenn in the bathroom. The only thing that could have made this cameo even more awesome is if Idol sang "White Wedding" as Robbie and Julia walked down the aisle. Oh well, at least we got Steve Buscemi singing "True."

Bruce Springsteen - High Fidelity

The Boss gives relationship advice to John Cusack in this fantastic 2000 movie. Need I say more?

Okay, I will: I'm going to be bold here and say that, as far as John Cusack movies go, I vastly prefer High Fidelity (and the underrated '80s dark comedy Better Off Dead) to Say Anything. Nothing special if you ask me.

*Hides from sharp objects pelted by 18- to 28-year-old women*

If YouTube had provided the videos, you'd also be watching Clive Owen in The Pink Panther (as Agent 006), coked-out Charlie Sheen in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, David Bowie in Zoolander and Billy Ray Cyrus in Mulholland Dr.

Let me repeat that: Billy Ray Cyrus makes a cameo in Mulholland Dr. You know, the movie with more psychoanalytic theory and article hits on Google Scholar than Sigmund Freud? Yeah, it has this guy in it. I'll just leave you all to think that one over...

BREAKING NEWS: Sherlock Holmes Poster!

2009-05-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. Here I was just browsing movie posters, minding my own business, when I came across this:

To be honest, my first thought was "When did Sherlock Holmes turn into the Notorious B.I.G.?" but I'm a fan now. Guy Ritchie and the cast have made it pretty clear that this will be a more modern Sherlock Holmes story, so when you think about it this poster is actually brilliant. By combining present-day gangster images with old-timey pipes and ascots, the graphic designer/photographer has captured both the 19th and 21st century sensibilities of this movie...and made Sherlock Holmes a freakin' BAMF.

I seriously cannot wait for Sherlock Holmes. The level of excitement I'm experiencing here is definitely unhealthy, and it's been stable since, oh, this time last year. Expect more alarming manifestations of my obsession as the release date gets closer, but for now I thought I'd settle for a cheesy MySpace countdown clock. I've never made one of these before, but if anything warrants it, it's Robert Downey, Jr. as Sherlock Holmes:

I'm really upset that it's opening Christmas day now, though. I hadn't checked the release date in a while, but I was totally planning on scaring the hell out of Robert Downey, Jr. at the London premiere while I'm abroad. I guess I'll just have to settle for a midnight showing at the Regal Theater, and plan to ambush RDJ some other time. So it goes.

P.S. For those of you who haven't been rabidly devouring every single film still, here are the RDJ-tagged photo galleries from Just Jared. (In addition to five Sherlock Holmes galleries, there are Iron Man 2 stills, too!)

Most Likely to Succeed...in Musicals

2009-04-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

After recently posting about how adorable Dev Patel and Fred Astaire are, you'd think I'd try to tone down the toxic levels of girliness this blog currently boasts. Maybe talk about G.I. Joe (why Joseph Gordon-Levitt, why??) or just something that's neither excessively macho nor stereotypically feminine.

But nope, it's back to what Fred does best: musicals!

With the limited time the last couple weeks of the semester are affording me, my musical class screenings are basically the only movies I've been able to watch. I did get to see Casino though, which only confirmed my sneaking suspicion that Martin Scorsese is kind of a genius. Who else could fit this song into a gangster epic?

Wow I need some Adderral. Getting back on track, I wanted to share some of my favorite musical moments by offering high school superlatives to six numbers. I'm kind of ripping off Michelle Collins at the Best Week Ever blog with this post, but I only do it out of love for her wonderful awards show superlatives. Hopefully I'll do them some amount of justice.

Best Use of Christopher Walken: "Let's Misbehave" from Pennies from Heaven

That title might not be the most fitting - when is using Christopher Walken not great? - but this number gets props for showing Walken's unexpectedly remarkable dance skills. While most people were introduced to Walken's dancing through the Fatboy Slim video "Weapon of Choice" in 2001, he was dancing long before that. He actually trained in musical theater before tackling dramas, and returned to his roots in the 1981 Steve Martin musical Pennies from Heaven. Sadly we never get to hear Walken sing - all the characters lip synch to recordings - but he plays a pimp who dances phenomenally. That's good enough for me.

Most Precious: "Isn't This a Lovely Day (to Be Caught in the Rain)?" from Top Hat

Okay, we all know I love Fred Astaire. Here's one of the many reasons why:

Worst Acid Trip You'll Ever Experience: "The Polka Dot Polka" from The Gang's All Here

Even Hunter S. Thompson would be wary of whatever the hell Busby Berkeley was on when he conceived this number. Apparently the legendary choreographer/dance director got his best ideas in the bathtub drinking martinis, and it definitely shows in this unbelievably strange number, from the already strange movie The Gang's All Here. I don't think any context is necessary, because even having seen the rest of the movie I had no idea what was going on. So before I leave you to "The Polka Dot Polka," I will just warn anyone who might already be under the influence to stay away. This will not be a pleasant experience for you.

Least Homo-erotic: "The Pirate Ballet" from The Pirate

Just watch.

Well, before you do that move to the 3:45 mark. Stupid YouTube took down the separate "Pirate Ballet" video.

Innuendo-iest: "Take Off With Us" from All That Jazz

All That Jazz is about a flagrant womanizer named Joe Gideon, so it only makes sense that he would choreograph the double entendre-filled "Take Off With Us." The number is staged as a dress rehearsal for the musical's backers, and is followed by "Air-otica," a far less subtle number that essentially says "fuck it" to all innuendo. I prefer its predecessor, though I really enjoyed every part of the movie. Am I weird for liking a musical with costumes like this that unironically features John Lithgow? Probably.

All That Jazz also gets Best Ray Charles Pun for the finale "Bye Bye Life." As much as I like it, it's super long, bizarre and would make no sense out of context so I'm not posting it. Anyone dying to watch it can hit up YouTube.

Most Awe-Inspiring Pinstripes: "The Boy Next Door" from Meet Me in St. Louis

Okay, this superlative has more to do with costuming than anything else, but it's still a great number. I hadn't seen a Judy Garland movie besides The Wizard of Oz before this class, but having now seen Meet Me in St. Louis, The Pirate and A Star Is Born, she's one of my new favorites. It's a shame her tragic personal life often overshadows her talent, because she's an amazing singer, as seen in this and countless other numbers. Anyway, if you couldn't already figure it out from the title, Judy is in love with her next-door neighbor. She also rocks a white bowtie and awesome pinstriped tennis outfit. Aaaand go:

Eat Your Heart Out, Andre Bazin!

2009-02-27T21:23:00.001-08:00

Alright, I have a serious intellectual case to make here. Based on the Oscars, I am now prepared to present a new film theory I've been working on for the past few months. I don't mean to brag, but I think it's going to shake Hollywood even more so than Laura Mulvey's "Visual Pleasure in Narrative Cinema" (score two gratuitous film class references). Okay, are you ready? Here it goes: there is no one on the planet more adorable than Dev Patel.

I know that might not sound like a big deal coming from me. I do spend an awful lot of time talking about how adorable certain actors are. But this subject is not up for debate. In fact, screw that "theory" bullshit, this is LAW. Doubt me? Here's the proof:

Exhibit A: He likes little kids in a non-creepy way.

Exhibit B: He wears sweater vests.

Exhibit C: This picture.

Seriously, when this guy starts getting mobbed by girls, I'm not even going to feel sorry for him. You brought this on your unbelievably cute self, Dev!

For all you fans out there (a.k.a. every girl that saw Slumdog), here's another ten solid minutes of adorableness:

P.S. Just so all of you who aren't quite as nerdy about movies as I am can appreciate how bombastic - I mean brilliant - my comparisons to other theorists are, here's Andre Bazin's wikipedia page, as well as Laura Mulvey's.

The Obligatory [Post-]Oscar Post

2009-02-27T17:58:00.000-08:00

I apologize that this post is so late, everyone. I know I probably sound extremely dated by this point, but on the off chance that you're reading this and either: a) didn't see the Oscars, b) did but still haven't tired from the coverage or c) specifically asked about my post-Oscars post (hey Jen!), here is my recap of the 81st Annual Academy Awards.

Overall impression? Yawn. Don't get me wrong, I was really happy with most of the wins, but it was all so predictable. You know it's a dull show when the only major upset is in the Best Foreign Language Film category.

So let's get to the high points, shall we? First and foremost, the Academy wisely decided not to turn Kate Winslet into the new Martin Scorsese and gave her a damn Oscar. I shrieked a little when it happened, not gonna lie. I also thought her speech was great, and very endearing. Whose heart didn't melt when she reacted to her dad's whistle? Or when she said "Well it's not a shampoo bottle now"? I guess her supposedly dramatic Golden Globes speech didn't hurt her in the least, so all you critical (read: stuffy and heartless) British journalists can shove it.

I'm happy to say I was pleasantly surprised by Judd Apatow's comedy bit with Seth Rogen and James Franco. Personally I thought Pineapple Express was a disappointment, but this sketch was pretty hilarious. It's hard to pick a favorite part; there's the two stoners laughing hysterically at The Reader, Franco confusing Robert Downey Jr. with Barack Obama and even Saving Private Ryan director of photography Janusz Kaminski hanging out/cuddling with the pair. But I'd probably go with the moment where James Franco watches himself in Milk.

Speaking of Milk, how about screenwriter Dustin Lance Black's speech? Call me a sap, but I thought that was the most touching Oscar speech I've ever heard. I almost cried, and this is coming from a person who has probably shed a tear at no more than 10 movies in her lifetime. The Academy has certainly come a long way since 2005, when it didn't have the guts to give the Best Picture Oscar to Brokeback Mountain.

I was also really happy with the Slumdog (almost) sweep. I know the backlash against it is now in full swing, but I still freakin' love that movie. If nothing else, the Oscars satisfied my insatiable need to see the cast and Danny Boyle at all times. They're the happiest people on earth (for good reason), and seeing them you just can't help but smile too. My only question is where was the exact replication of the Bollywood dance from the credits?

Because, let's be honest, it would have been a gajillion times better than that ode to the musical that Hugh Jackman and Beyonce led. There were way too many songs in there, which caused a lot of classics to get stiffed about five bars. Plus the performers really weren't that impressive. Boring maybe, but not impressive. If Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron are the ones bringing the musical back, as Jackman declared, then I want no part of this revival.

Lastly, even though the Academy fulfilled my Kate Winslet and Slumdog Millionaire requests and even though I knew this was coming, it pains me that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is now an Oscar winner. The inevitable proclamations on the DVD cover are likely to turn me into Bruce Banner, so please be warned and hide any copies once they're released.

Fred Astaire+Michael Jackson=The New PB & J

2009-02-14T10:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have a sad truth to admit: before my Hollywood Musical class this semester, I had never seen a Fred Astaire movie. Having now enjoyed The Band Wagon, Top Hat and all the numbers of Easter Parade, I realize what an absolute crime that was. Not only is Fred one of the most amazingly talented dancers I've ever seen, he's so adorable! I dare you to watch any of his movies, or even just the first thirty seconds of "Cheek to Cheek" and not fall a little bit in love with him. And if his talent and charm weren't enough, listen to this: some imdb snooping has informed me that he was the narrator of the claymation classic Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town. So I think it's time to add him to my list of obsessions, and work on suppressing my enormous envy of Ginger Rogers.

But onto the real reason for my post. While searching for Fred numbers to use for my class paper, I came across this brilliant YouTube video. Some wonderful, wonderful person combined the genius of Fred Astaire with the genius of '80s Michael Jackson in the following mash-up, which I've watched at least five times since my initial discovery. They've specifically sampled the Girl Hunt Ballet from The Band Wagon, a sort of film noir in dance form which also features the stunning Cyd Charisse.

The first minute or so of this mash-up is Fred-less and thus a little unnecessary, but I'll leave it up to you whether to skip ahead or not. Regardless, I hope you're ready to have your mind blown.

The Obligatory [Pre-]Oscar Post

2009-01-19T17:21:00.000-08:00

C’mon, you knew this was coming sooner or later. I blog about movies; you can’t expect me to snub the Oscars, even if they've snubbed the likes of Cary Grant and Stanley freakin' Kubrick.

*Deep breath* I digress. The Oscar nominations come out in just three more days and before they’re released, I wanted to share a sort of wishlist with all of you, and the Academy, who I’m sure bookmarked this blog long ago. Some of the items on here are, well, a little improbable but it's Martin Luther King Day and dammit, I have a dream!

I don't really know how I can top that horrible reference, so without further ado, I present my Oscar wishlist:

A complete Benjamin Button shut-out

Am I the only one who thought this movie was an absolute disaster? Almost anyone who’s seen it will say “It was a little too long…” but no one has the guts to speak the truth: it was crap. It pains me to admit this as a Cate Blanchett fanatic, but the characters (even hers) were bland and the story was a mess – one of the most superficial that I’ve ever seen (bet you thought that stupid backwards clock, or Hurricane Katrina tie-in, was going to go somewhere but nope sorry! We were too busy adding 43598743895 other underdeveloped and boring storylines to flesh that out). I will grant that the visuals were stunning, which is why I won’t get grumpy over an Art Direction win, but please for the love of God do not let this movie get a Best Picture nod (or even worse, win) over its far more deserving competitors. Which brings me to my second point…

Some Revolutionary Road love

First of all, let me say that I had to work to see this movie. I have no idea why the distributors decided to put a Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet movie in five theaters across the nation, but they did and it was pretty frustrating. It would be very easy for me to have some mild, irrational resentment towards Revolutionary Road because of the inconvenience, but I have none at all; I absolutely loved it. The movie was devastating and haunting, the questions it raised were complex and interesting and Kate and Leo gave two enthralling performances. So why oh why is it being almost completely overlooked? I truly believe it merits Best Picture and Best Director nods, but I can deal with those snubs, even though I’m seething that Benjamin Button will probably get both. It’s nothing sort of criminal, however, that Leo is almost certainly going to be ignored (yet again). If Brad “so dull I considered tearing my hair out to spice things up” Pitt gets the slot over Leo, I will be sorely disappointed. And by sorely disappointed, I mean I might punch a hole in a wall.

A nod for Robert Downey, Jr. in Tropic Thunder

Argue the movie’s weaknesses with me all you want, but Robert Downey, Jr. absolutely deserves a nomination for Tropic Thunder. What he pulled off was nothing sort of genius. A lesser actor would no doubt have inspired enormous public outrage, but he turned the role into one of the most hilarious in recent memory, and kept it controversy-free. He gave a quote to Entertainment Weekly in March of ’08 that pretty much sums the whole thing up (leave it to him to do everything right): “If [the part is] done right, it could be the type of role you called Peter Sellers to do 35 years ago. If you don’t do it right, we’re going to hell.” Robert, needless to say you are definitely not going to hell. (You're going to comedy heaven! High five, anyone?)

Slumdog Millionaire Best Picture win

Having seen all the major BP contenders, (excepting longshot The Wrestler), I’m officially pulling for Slumdog Millionaire. It’s not only one of the most inspiring movies I’ve seen in years, it’s just a wonderfully made film that deserves every one of its accolades. Now, I wouldn’t be outraged if Milk pulled an upset and took the prize, but Slumdog is still my number one and, from the way the awards season has been going, it may very well receive this honor. Lest you doubt its merit, I dare you to watch this and not hand over the award right away (if you haven't seen the movie, though, start it at about 1:07):

More Ricky Gervais

Let’s see: he was hilarious at the Emmys, hilarious at the Golden Globes and is generally a hilarious guy. It still mystifies me that Hugh Jackman and not Ricky is hosting the Oscars, but I’ll settle for another one of his amusing award presentations.

Oh right, and give Kate Winslet a damn Oscar!

Why "Commando" Is the Greatest Movie Ever

2009-01-10T22:48:00.000-08:00

I used to think of myself as a semi-authority (let me repeat semi-authority) on movies, but boy was I ever delusional. Disregard everything I've ever said about them, because I hadn't realized their full potential until a few days ago, when I watched Commando.

What is Commando you ask? Well, as my post title indicates, it's only the most amazing cinematic achievement ever. It's also a 1985 action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and teeny Alyssa Milano as an inseparable father and daughter named John and Jenny Matrix (wait, it gets better). When some baddies (including Ahnold's former military partner!) kidnap the little girl, John Matrix goes on a freakin' rampage and KILLS THEM ALL. And when I say rampage, I don't mean a wussy Mark Wahlberg rampage or a pansy Bruce Willis shoot-out. You would get pretty hammered if you took a shot every time John Matrix kills someone, with or without a gun. And by hammered, I mean you would OD. Since everyone should see this movie ASAP, I've compiled a list of 15 reasons why Commando beats the crap out of Citizen Kane:

1. The fantastic, never-ending synth music.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s muscles.
3. John Matrix’s puns, including but not limited to “Please don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired,” and “I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I’m very hungry!”
4. The theme song “We Fight for Love” by POWER STATION (yes, the all caps are necessary).
5. John Matrix’s kill count: 81.
6. The fact that John Matrix’s swim wear is a black Speedo.
7. The most ridiculous explosion sequence I’ve ever seen, which, my friends noted, must have been Michael Bay’s career inspiration.

8. John Matrix’s minimalist comebacks.

9. The way John Matrix wills things to work for him, like a flipped car…or choppa!

10. The villainous Bennett’s insistence on wearing chainmail.

11. Two words: war paint.
12. The opening credits of John and Jenny Matrix eating ice cream, petting a deer, fishing...Arnold can be sensitive too!
13. The magical backroom of guns and rocket launchers John Matrix happens upon.
14. The inclusion of the country of Val Verde, a made-up South American nation similar to Cuba and Nicaragua that moviemakers used to avoid diplomatic complications in not just Commando but Predator and Die Hard 2.

And finally,

15. The line “I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes…I’m going to shoot you between the balls!”

More Angry Movie-Themed Poetry!

2009-01-03T13:23:00.000-08:00

Before I get to that promised poetry, I was just wondering if anyone else was as excited as me for the new Clint Eastwood movie. No, not Gran Torino, silly. The eerily similar but ultimately more effective display of Eastwood's talents, The Growler.

Clint Eastwood in The Growler - watch more funny videos

See why I can't take him seriously anymore?

Now, onto the real point of this post. So I know I'm going to get accused of being a fangirl (or at the very least an unoriginal blogger) for this, but I'm pretty freakin' pissed at Fox right now. I've been going out of my mind with excitement each time I see a trailer for Watchmen (which is a lot), find a new film still or read even the teeniest blurb about it, and now I might not ever get to see it. That is not healthy, Fox. All that pent up excitement and no pay-off? I might spontaneously combust. And it would be all your fault.

All. Your. Fault.

Since I can't pull off an angry dance quite as well as Kevin Bacon, or even Bret McKenzie, I turn to angsty poetry once again. The following is as of yet untitled, and may not live up to Ode to Nicolas Cage, but here goes nothing (please bear with me on the weird formatting; I had a couple one-word danglers, and graphics class has made me OCD about that):

Fox, you really suck. / If you were a food, the only word to describe you would be yuck. / You make me want to say something else that rhymes / With suck and yuck many, many times.

Why did you wait so long to sue over Watchmen? / Correct me if I'm wrong when / I say that - you'll know this you're so bright - / You're something called a movie studio, right?

Yeah, movie studios tend to know about this stuff. / Passing projects like the WB's under your radar is pretty tough, / Especially when it's been widely publicized since December 2005. / Were you too busy making Dr. Doolittle 3 to pay any mind?

This makes me think you don't really have a claim, / 'Cause see, most people, with or without your fame, / Tend to watch their property, rather than wait years to moan and groan / About a sure to be stunning movie they were too stupid to make on their own.

You took away Arrested Development, one of the greatest shows ever / While making Date Movie, Epic Movie and other terrible endeavors. / So please back off Warner Bros. you low-down dirty ho, / Or next time you look up and shout "save us," I'll whisper hell no.

A Perfect Day Composed of Movie Scenes

2008-12-28T17:30:00.000-08:00

Oh man. I just had to change my tagline to "the ravings of a mildly obsessive 19-year-old cinephile." I know I'm the baby of my group of friends, but I feel kinda old.

Anyway, I have a pretty spectacular post for you guys today, though I can't take credit for the awesome idea behind it. One of imdb's daily links back in the summer was to a blog called Misfortune Cookie, which featured the blogger's perfect day, made up of movie scenes. I had started coming up with one of my own, but gave up after making it halfway through. Then I forgot about it. Until now! Keep in mind that what I ended up with was a vague interpretation of the concept; some of the scenes are not featured exactly as they appear in the movie. Also, I gave myself a job as a convenient story device. And now, I am proud to present my movie-inspired fantasy day, which is likely to scare you all with its length and detail...

My day would start off with me waking up from a wonderful dream a lot like the amazingly absurd half of Big Fish. I would check my mailbox only to discover that someone had stuffed it with orange Tic-Tacs. Armed with fresh breath and an outfit somewhat inspired by Audrey Hepburn's famous Breakfast at Tiffany's ensemble, I'd then take to the city streets. Eventually I'd end up at my magazine job, where I'd swap fast talk with my editor, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Cary Grant from His Girl Friday. It's soon time for lunch though, so I decide to steal Cameron's dad's car and zoom down the road to the Star Wars theme. But oh no, some evil guys are after me! Luckily, like Popeye Doyle in The French Connection, I know how to pull off an awesome car chase scene and lose them. However, I wreck the car in the process. And who should pull up right then but Gregory Peck on a Vespa. Since I'm out of a mode of transportation and already dressed a little like Audrey Hepburn, I accept his offer for a ride and we tour the city. We both have to get back to our journalistic jobs though, so he drops me off a few blocks from my office building.

As I walk back to my job, I see Nicolas Cage trying to decode some historic monument, and I punch him in the face.

I'm really running late now, but notice Aldous Snow filming his music video for "We've Got to Do Something." How can I turn down the chance to hold up one of those hilarious contradictory messages of progress? I'm thinking mine says something like "Shun Ignorance" or "Don't Sell Your Soul; Lease It to the World." After avoiding Aldous's creepy advances, I rush back to work, but it's already closing time when I reach the building. It's a good thing Cary Grant likes me so much, or I'd be fired. Hold on, what's this? Is that a news team rumble I seem forming outside? Ron Burgundy and his friends mean business, but one look at my trident and they scatter (where I got a trident is not important).

A beat-up yellow VW bus then pulls up, and I join the fantastically dysfunctional Hoover family. After helping Dwayne deal with his teenage angst, motivating Olive and giving Frank a hug, I hop out in front of the courthouse, where I'm just in time to rule in favor of Ted Kramer for the custody battle (this is a fantasy - I can be a judge with absolutely no legal background if I want to). That last part may seem like an especially weird thing to include in my perfect day, and actually rewrites the entire scene, but anytime I get to make Dustin Hoffman happy is a good day for me.

The last significant thing I do during this ridiculous 24 hours is hit up a nearby concert, featuring a line-up of only the best movie bands ever. The Blues Brothers, Sonic Death Monkey from High Fidelity, Billy Mack from Love Actually, Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band Solution (that may be TV, but how the hell can I not include it?) - they're all there. After the outstanding show has ended, I head back to wherever it is I'm living and go to bed, exhausted from the day's action.

The Most Motivational Movie Mash-Up Ever

2008-12-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

Winter break has finally arrived and so, just as I promised, I've returned to rant and rave about all things film. I have to admit, there were a few times when I thought I wouldn't make it back to you guys. Luckily though, I lived to blog another day and I couldn't be happier about it.

I know not all of you are finished with finals yet and could probably use a pep talk, so I thought it only appropriate to share with you on my first post back "40 Motivational Speeches In 2 Minutes," a fantastic mash-up courtesy of the equally fantastic Best Week Ever blog. And here's a challenge to distract you from all that studying: how many movies can you spot? I'm counting 35...though three of those are just really strong guesses, so actually 32. Okay, and for another three I can't specify which film in the trilogy so true guess is 29. But didn't 35 sound impressive?

Everybody Loves Gary and Other Random Hollywood Musings

2008-10-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

In the increasingly divisive world of movies, I’ve discovered one universal truth: everyone loves Gary Oldman. Seriously, even the people who don’t quite know who he is love him. In my experience, the words “Gary Oldman” can’t be uttered in a sentence without “awesome,” “amazing” or “badass.” No one hates him. It isn’t like Shia LaBeouf where most people are just so happy for that goofy Even Stevens kid, or Philip Seymour Hoffman’s tiny but devoted cult of fans. People young and old, male and female, with both excellent and questionable taste in movies adore this guy. Were some freak with a passionate loathing for Mr. Oldman to actually emerge, I don’t see others being alarmed and offended as much as completely puzzled. How can you hate someone so cool, talented, and sometimes even terrifying?

Speaking of cool actors, I love Clive Owen. The problem is I don’t always remember him. By that I don’t mean I literally can’t place the name with the face, but rather I often forget about his existence. See usually, I seek out a few movies by a certain actor after I’ve decided I like him or her. But, except for Children of Men, every time I watched one of his movies, I thought “Hey, Clive Owen’s in this!” only after his face popped up on screen. I really don’t understand this phenomenon; Clive’s so suave, tough and British (do you see why I was initially pissed that Daniel Craig and not Clive was the new Bond?). If those traits aren’t memorable, what is?

Now for something topical. The new Revolutionary Road trailer has to be the single most serious preview I’ve ever seen. The music alone makes it unbelievably somber and foreboding, but this is one trailer where I can’t find a shred of silver lining in the clips. The impression I’m getting is that, should you see this movie, expect to spend the rest of the day questioning your life’s happiness and alternatively sleeping and crying. So can someone please tell me why I’m so excited for it? Oh, right. Leo and Kate and Sam Mendes. In one movie. Can I watch it now?

Finally, why isn't Neil Patrick Harris in more movies? I've only seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and almost all of How I Met Your Mother, but already I can't get enough of him. At least let him host the 2009 Emmys. The show would be infinitely better than this year's nightmare. 'Cause you know, whenever Neil Patrick Harris feels like doing a soul-crushingly bad job at hosting, he is just awesome instead. True story.

A Tale of Two Trailers

2008-09-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

Wow. That hiatus didn’t last long.

Now, before you all start your rowdy celebrations, keep in mind this isn’t going to be KMDB full throttle (and by that I in no way mean to associate myself with that weak Charlie’s Angels sequel). I’ll still be writing shorter and infrequent posts, but consider me back in business. I guess I just don’t know how to quit you guys.

That was terrible. I apologize.

Anyway, my first order of business is to share a new(ish) trailer. I was pretty shocked that I had managed to avoid news about this movie until now, but Rian Johnson, the writer and director of Brick, is coming out with a new film this December: The Brothers Bloom. If you weren’t already excited for his follow-up (like me), his impressive cast may draw your attention. The movie stars Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo as two con-men (and brothers) whose latest (and supposedly last) target is a kooky heiress, played by Rachel Weisz. Rinko Kikuchi, of Babel fame, also stars as the brothers’ explosive expert Bang Bang. The names alone had me psyched out of my mind, but it looks like a genuinely fun action adventure with a good bit of comedy mixed in. And it releases just two days before my birthday, so to all of my Maryland friends: this is most likely what I’ll be dragging you to.

I was also fortunate enough to have attended a free advanced screening of Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist a few days ago. Most of you probably know about my love for Michael Cera, so I may be biased, but I thought it was ridiculously adorable, and very funny. The main cast does a great job on its own (Cera even manages to be a little more confident than usual), but also look out for some excellent cameos by a few SNL players. Just in case you’ve somehow missed the trailer, here it is again.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead waiting in my DVD player. Peace out, bean sprout.

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu

2008-08-31T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hello again, my fellow movie fanatics. I write today with unfortunate news. Having just completed my first week back at college, it's pretty apparent that this blog is going to be slowing down for a good couple months. Don't worry, this isn't goodbye forever; there's always next summer, and winter break. Who knows? I may even manage a brief post or two in between reading a bunch of names I could never hope to pronounce in my Russian history book, and my hours locked up in the graphics lab.

Before I sign off though, I wanted to publicize Rain of Madness, the new Tropic Thunder mockumentary. Made by fictional filmmaker Jan Jürgen (played by one of the summer hit's co-writers, Justin Theroux), it gives us a hilarious behind-the-scenes look at the satirical movie-within-a-movie. There's a discussion of PPDD (Post Platoon Distress Disorder - even Robin Williams has suffered it), Brookyln's breakout ad for erectile dysfunction, some inspired script rewrites by Tugg Speedman and, best of all, more of Kirk Lazarus getting into character.

Not only does Rain of Madness offer 30 minutes of sheer brilliance, it's FREE. Seriously, what have you got to lose? (If, however, you need more convincing, check out the official website here. There's tons of clips and diary entries from Jan, as well as links to the fictional actors' official sites. Their latest movie trailers - including, yes, Satan's Alley - are promised soon.)

I hope the hilarity of Rain of Madness makes up for my absence (along with pseudo-rhymes). You guys have nothing to worry about though, because really, we're like Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally or West Side Story's Tony and Maria. Ultimately, nothing - bad timing, parents, gang violence, mutual hatred - can keep us apart.

Coming Soon to a Computer Near You

2008-08-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

YouTube has given us so much in just a few years. Chocolate Rain. Potter Puppet Pals. Learn to Speak Body, Volume 5.

One of my most recently discovered YouTube treasures is recut movie trailers. Ever wonder what The Silence of the Lambs would be like as a romantic comedy (and honestly who hasn't?) or Toy Story as a horror movie? The great people on YouTube have already done it for you - edits, music, voiceover and all. Sure, some users go a little too crazy with the text/graphics, but it's not hard to find some absolute masterpieces.

A few of these reimagined films just need to be shared with the world, so I've gathered 5 of YouTube's best recuts for your viewing pleasure. I pre-apologize if I instill an irrational fear of any childhood icons, or a newfound fondness for certain cinematic psychopaths.

1. Mary Poppins

This was one of the first recuts I watched, and is still one of the best I've seen. (I have to give credit to my friend and Scene It? rival Adam for showing me it.) Making Mary Poppins, or just Julie Andrews, scary is not easy. Yet I'm terrified of that ever-cheerful woman each time I watch this. Really makes you wonder what else she was hiding in that bottomless bag of hers...

2. The Shining

Credit must also go to Adam for finding this fake trailer. In it, we see Stanley Kubrick's sadly unrealized potential in romantic comedies. Whoever made this has a gift, because he or she managed to turn some of the movie's creepiest scenes into cute, harmless family moments. (Be sure to watch who Jack Nicholson is kissing.) The song selection of "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel is also excellent, even if that man's continued presence in romantic comedies has always puzzled me. I mean, it's only his music cropping up in John Cusack movies, but he's pretty strange. (Exhibit A)

Sorry for the random tangent. Here you go.

3. Sleepless in Seattle

A lonely single woman tries desperately to contact a widower after merely hearing his son speak on a radio show. Sounds like the perfect set-up to a stalker thriller, right? That's what the maker(s) of this video thought, even if most people saw it as one of the greatest romances of all time. Here, Meg Ryan, the essential romantic comedy heroine, has eerily morphed into Glenn Close, circa Fatal Attraction. Tom Hanks already had reason to be scared (I know I'd be a little wary of her often irritating "charm"), but in this context, he oughta be running for his life to the nearest Zoltar machine, deserted island or Polar Express train.

4. Taxi Driver
Like The Shining's Jack Torrance, Travis Bickle is not the most well-adjusted guy. While that might be the understatement of the century, it's worth noting because, through the wonders of this recut's editing, he appears to be the Prince Charming of Manhattan. I mean, just look at that freeze frame! Also like my previous pick, this trailer features hysterical music choices and more cheerful readings of some of the film's darkest moments. Now if only they could've revamped Jodie Foster as the couple's wild, yet endearing, foster child...

5. The Big Lebowski

The Big Lebowski doesn't have much of a middle ground: most people love its quirky humor or hate its downright bizarre story. But we can probably all agree that it's a little out there. It's all the more impressive, then, that someone made it into a surprisingly convincing tearjerker trailer (and with a brief appearance by John Turturro's Jesus Quintana, nonetheless). I will warn anyone who has yet to see the movie that there's a bit of a spoiler, but for those that have seen it (or could care less about the story), enjoy:

If you're craving more, be sure to check out these fantastic recuts that just barely missed the list: The Usual Suspects, Dumb and Dumber, Office Space, Rain Man and The Matrix. Oh and don't forget the Toy Story and Silence of the Lambs trailers I mentioned in the intro.

And the Oscar Goes to...Really?

2008-08-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

February 2009 is a long way away, but you wouldn’t know it from the crazy Oscar buzz already in full swing. Well, at least the Oscar buzz surrounding Christopher Nolan’s smash success The Dark Knight. The star of this media frenzy is of course Heath Ledger, aka the darkest, most demented Joker this side of Gotham City. Could he be the second actor in history to win a posthumous Academy Award? While his performance is certainly stunning, and slightly reminiscent of the only actor in history to achieve this honor (okay, Peter Finch’s character in Network isn’t exactly a psychotic, clown-faced criminal but the underlying more-sane-than-he-seems theme is apparent in both) it’s still pretty early to say. Any potential Best Picture, Director, Screenplay or general special effects nominations/wins are even tougher to call.

That definitely hasn’t stopped people from talking about it, though. Amidst this ceaseless conversation, many have raised once again the call for more “popular” movies to be included in the Academy Awards. However, what most people don’t seem to realize is that not only is popularity a huge factor in winning an Oscar, it usually doesn’t yield the best results.

To prove my point, let’s examine some past Best Picture winners. Last year, the seemingly anti-Hollywood Coen brothers triumphed with their dark thriller No Country for Old Men. The ironic thing is just how Hollywood this choice was. Many people, myself included, believed the smaller Paul Thomas Anderson drama There Will Be Blood deserved the title. But who really saw that? Not a lot of people, at least by Hollywood standards. While TWBB's $40.2 million domestic gross was probably more than was expected, it looks pretty shameful next to No Country's $74.3 million. And despite its glowing reviews (some even compared it to Citizen Kane and Giant), many were put off by the movie. Too weird, too confusing or too radical for the 2008 BP. As for the other nominees, Juno was too quirky to win (the Academy still needs to maintain its austere respectability), Atonement, despite being a critic darling, also underperformed at the box office (only $50.9 million) and Michael Clayton was seen by even less people (roughly $49 million). No County thus pleased the general public and critics, making it the safest choice for the Academy.

(For the record, I’m not saying No Country is without merit. Javier Bardem absolutely earned his Best Supporting Actor win, and the suspense was executed marvelously. But I gotta say it: that ending was awful. For a lesson on adapting a tricky book finale well, see Atonement.)

The year before that had almost the exact same set-up, with the Coen brothers’ older counterpart Martin Scorsese taking home the gold for The Departed, his most commercially successful movie ever. Now, I truly believe this win was justified, but why would the Academy finally wake up and give Marty an Oscar after snubbing him in favor of, among several others, Kevin freakin’ Costner? The answer’s simple: he finally made a bonafide crowd pleaser.

I’m sure the pattern’s already becoming apparent, so I’ll save my rant on how Crash isn’t half the movie Capote or Good Night, and Good Luck is. But I’ll bet a lot of you are thinking “Kristin, those movies that won were still pretty good. What’s the real harm?” Well, allow me to jump back a little over a decade. The year was 1997 and the movie was Titanic, the now current (albeit perhaps not for long) record holder for domestic gross. This epic love story walked away with a whopping 11 Academy Awards, a fact that countless people lament today. While I do think Titanic gets a tad bit more grief than it deserves, it’s impossible to argue that it was an 11 Oscars movie in retrospect. Yet Oscar critics constantly point to this embarrassment as the award show done right. Sure, it pulled in a much bigger audience than the Academy currently boasts, but at what cost?

Don’t go thinking Titanic was the only case of a popular yet less-than-Oscar-worthy movie to clean up at the Academy Awards, either. For more evidence, see Rocky (1976 BP winner; losing nominees include Taxi Driver and Network), Forrest Gump (1994 BP winner; losing nominees include Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption), Chicago (2002 BP winner; losing nominees include Gangs of New York and The Pianist), and Ghost (1990 Best Supporting Actress win for Whoopi Goldberg; losing nominees include Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas), among many others. Oh and I discovered this gem in my research: Julia Roberts was nominated for an Academy Award for her groundbreaking work in Pretty Woman.

The Pulitzer people would never give James Patterson any serious consideration, despite his being one of the most wildly successful authors alive. So why do we constantly complain that the Academy is condescending and out-of-touch? The Oscars are already all about politics and popularity. If we push them any further, we may one day find ourselves yearning for the years when a sinking ship or an anorexic Renee Zellweger reigned supreme at the Academy Awards.

Audrey and Kate Plus...Cate

2008-08-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

I have to say, it's good to be home and blogging once again. I could regale you with stories of France's insane The Dark Knight advertising (there was even a Dippin' Dots flavor) but I'll get right to the point: I have a long overdue promise to fulfill in the form of a favorite actresses post, and I'm here to make good on my word. The list is regrettably a bit shorter than my actors' post and for that I have to place some blame on the scarcity of interesting parts for women. (I'm not just being an indignant feminist: start thinking of some of the most memorable movie characters. Maybe 25% are women, am I right?) Those countless hack models posing as actresses haven't helped either (Jessica Alba, I'm looking in your direction). However, we can all take comfort in knowing that the movie world has/had these three wonderful women to help even out the imbalances.

1. Cate Blanchett
Sometimes I have to remind myself that Cate Blanchett is a mere human like the rest of us. She certainly seems like Wonder Woman when you consider her career. Conflicted teacher conducting an affair with a student? Check. Pregnant journalist amidst the sea's quirkiest crew? Check. One of the most legendary, revered actresses to ever live? Check. Bob Dylan? Check. I could go on forever, but the point is that, like a superhero, Cate makes impossible feats seem effortless and nothing's been able to stop her yet.

Perhaps the only thing as impressive as Cate's daunting talent is her amazing career savvy. While I can't say I've seen everything she's ever done, she's never been known to make a truly terrible movie. Heck, she even managed to get an Oscar nomination out of the supposedly weak Elizabeth: The Golden Age. On top of all of that, she's probably one of the most fearless actresses working today. A lot of women in the entertainment industry would shy away from taboo issues like inappropriate teacher-student relationships or think twice before seriously playing a man, but Cate thrives off these opportunities, giving us some of the most fascinating characters movies can offer.

I really wanted to avoid posting the following clip, since I've already featured The Aviator in my favorite actors post, but once you watch it I think you'll see why it was so inscapable, and why Cate earned so much well-deserved praise.

2. Audrey Hepburn
This choice should come as absolutely no shock to anyone who's actually met me. After all, my well-worn Breakfast at Tiffany's purse is basically my security blanket, and the very detailed Audrey Hepburn Halloween costume I wore in '06 famously (and by famously I mean my one friend and I still talk about it) left my high school Film Studies teacher speechless. It's gotten to the point where I've been accused of deliberately inviting comparisons. Well you know what, I'll take any I can get because Audrey Hepburn isn't just one of my favorite actresses, she's also kind of my idol.

I suppose I love Audrey for all the same reasons most people do: her astounding class, charm and vivaciousness. She brought such an incredible energy to all her films, and her screen presence is undeniable. It may not be very original for me to say, and it may make me sound about 30 years older, but there simply aren't any actresses like her today.

Now, I love Breakfast at Tiffany's as much as the next person (well, as much as the next teenage girl is probably more accurate) but I'm going to plug her Oscar-winning role in Roman Holiday. Gregory Peck is hands down her best onscreen match, and their chemistry is already apparent in this famous scene. (My buddy Nicolas Cage decided to rip off this iconic, impromtu bit in National Treasure 2. A part of me wished his hand really would get bitten off every time I saw that trailer.)

Oh and sorry for the subtitles.

3. Kate Winslet
If you'll recall from one of my previous ancedotes, Titanic nearly ruined Leonardo DiCaprio for me. Somehow, this was never the case with Kate Winslet. In fact, I remember secretly wishing I were as glamorous as Rose back in the fifth grade, when an especially colorful barrette was considered high fashion. (Catholic school nuns aren't the religious - no pun intended - Cosmpolitan readers you'd suspect them to be.) I even took the time to learn the name of the young actress headlining that monster of a movie, something I usually never cared enough to do back then. So while it took a couple years before I truly became a fan of hers, Kate and I have always been on good terms.

I remember reading a review of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when it was first released that basically sums up why she's so great. I'm paraphrasing, but the reviewer said that her character, the ever-eccentric Clementine, felt like someone you could run into on the street on any given day. That's the wonderful unifying element to all of Kate's diverse performances: no matter the quirks or craziness (and I think anyone who's seen the aforementioned movie can agree that Clementine's pretty out-there), her characters are so remarkably authentic that you feel like you already know them.

I could post a clip from Eternal Sunshine, Sense and Sensibility, Little Children or one of her other fantastic roles, but I recently got into Ricky Gervais's brilliant celebrity satire Extras and, well, after watching this it's basically impossible not to love her. (Brief scene set-up: Kate attempted to give Maggie some tips on talking dirty over the phone with her new boyfriend, and has come to see how it went.)

Ode to Nicolas Cage

2008-07-15T15:27:00.001-07:00

Before I start things off here, I'd like to make an amendment to my latest post. Having just watched Primal Fear (an utterly amazing movie), Edward Norton definitely needs to be included in my list of favorite actors. I don't really know what to say about him, other than he's brilliant. Oh and that it's an absolute crime that he lost the Oscar for Primal Fear to Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Jerry Maguire. Really Academy, that's what you went with?

Now, I know I promised a companion list in this past post, and I have every intention of keeping my word. Just not right now.

Since I'm going on vacation tomorrow (you guys will sadly have to make due without me until the 26th) and have limited time as it is, I thought I'd post something I actually wrote a few days before my first day of college.

Don't ask me why, because I have absolutely no idea as to the logic behind it, but I had a strange craving to write poetry at the time. Since I'm incapable of writing any particularly profound or serious poems, I figured I'd stick to what I know: movies, or, more specifically, my hatred of Nicolas Cage.

At the encouragement of a few friends (one of our bonds is a mutual loathing of this so-called actor), I give you my aptly named Ode to Nicolas Cage:

Dear Mr. Cage or, if I may, Nic,

You have an uncanny knack of making me sick.

"Wooden" best describes your horrendous acting.

Would a little emotion be that exacting?

Not many claim a more dismal resume than you.

Ghost Rider and Con-Air, to name just a few.

I really wonder sometimes how you get work.

Have all the studio heads gone completely berserk?

The conflicts in Darfur, Israel and Baghdad

Are all tragedies - just horribly sad.

Yet nothing sends me into a greater rage

Than the phrase "Oscar winner Nicolas Cage."

(I also have to mention that the photo I used was originally attached to the headline "Nicolas Cage's Success Proves There Is No God." It's comforting to know I'm not alone.)

To McAvoy, DiCaprio and Hoffman(x2), with Love

2008-07-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

Just about everyone has a short list of actors they simply adore. Regardless of the movie's quality, they will make you pay the $10 theater ticket on opening weekend. You'll defend even their weakest performances to the death ("The script was just a mess," "He/she was sick throughout filming, you know," "Shut up, you're jealous!") and often smile at the mere mention of their names. You're probably also seen stalking their mansions every Tuesday around midnight.

Oh, is that just me? Damn.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that we're all absolute fanatics when it comes to some select stars. Since I'm obviously no exception, I decided to make my following post a virtual love letter to certain celebrities. I'll be suggesting a movie of theirs to check out as well, with YouTube snippets for support. Hopefully, I'll have some converts...

1. Dustin Hoffman

I thought it only appropriate to begin with my all-time favorite actor. The way I see it, not only is Dustin Hoffman probably the most versatile actor in Hollywood history, he's also one of the most endearing, insightful and just plain respectable celebrities out there. Consider his 1980 Oscar speech in which he delivered the sincerest commendations to the losing nominees the Academy has ever heard, or an interview concerning Tootsie in which he tearfully lamented the fact that he had never given girls like Tootsie the time of day. Any other actor saying these things would sound nauseatingly cheesy, yet somehow it's not the least bit coming from Dustin.

Really though, the best thing about him is his boundless acting ability. Which is why it's so tough to pick just one performance to recommend. If I must though, it would have to be his iconic role in The Graduate. While I have yet to see Midnight Cowboy, Ben Braddock is just so hilariously awkward and hopelessly unsure of his life's direction in a way we can all relate to, making him truly memorable (though calling a Hoffman character "memorable" seems like a bit of an oxymoron). Enjoy the movie's most quoted scene here:

2. James McAvoy

If there's anyone on this list who I'm also kind of in love with, it's James McAvoy. Honestly, is there anyone more charming than this guy? Pathetic crush aside, I think he is one of the few actors out there who makes any movie he's in infinitely better. Think about it: we probably wouldn't have cared half as much about Atonement's Robbie Turner if someone else had played him, and Lord knows he's the only reason I made it through Penelope. So what exactly is it that makes him fascinating onscreen? There are plenty of answers to that question, but what it all comes down to, if you ask me, are the facts that he's so wonderfully subtle, and you just know he's putting all he has into his roles, no matter their weight.

I feel like it's my patriotic duty as a movie lover to urge everyone to see him in The Last King of Scotland. It's insane how underrated his performance is, as much as Forest Whitaker's terrifyingly good acting merits discussion. Unfortunately, YouTube seems to have forgotten his fantastic role in it as well, so hopefully this trailer will be convincing enough.

3. Philip Seymour Hoffman

There must be something about the name Hoffman, because it's attached to two absolutely phenomenal actors. This precise connection is actually the sole reason I was introduced to PSH. Back in 2005, I was reading early Oscar buzz and came across predictions of "Hoffman" winning Best Actor. I obviously flipped out and scrambled to find the latest Dustin Hoffman project only to discover my, in the end, marvelous mistake. After getting over my initial disappointment, I found myself somewhat intrigued by the premise of Capote. Once I finally got around to seeing it, well past the Oscar season's end, I could not have been more grateful to that rather unclear entertainment reporter.

PSH, like Dustin, is just such an actor. Sure, he can knock it out of the park with a carefully crafted dramatic character (i.e. Capote, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead) but he can also play comedic characters exceptionally well (i.e. Charlie Wilson's War, Along Came Polly - yes, he was in it and no, nothing about that movie other than him is worthwhile).

I know I've already sung my praises for The Savages, but I think it might be my favorite performance of his. As Jon Savage, a middle-aged drama professor whose long-term relationship is crumbling and estranged father is dying, he creates one of those great flawed yet deeply sympathetic figures. Watch what I believe is his best scene here:

4. Leonardo DiCaprio

As much as I love Leo now, there was a dark and distant time in my past when I despised him. I guess the fact that I really only saw 20 minutes of Titanic when it first came out, thanks to my hyper-concerned mom, and that every irritating girl in my grade was so enamored with him really worked against the poor guy. Then, on one fateful day in the fall of '07, I saw The Departed and was completely blown away. After watching a few more of his movies, I came to the realization that, not only is he one of the strongest actors of his generation, but, contrary to popular belief, his talent didn't just emerge in the past few years; he's had it all along. (To all you nay-sayers: I dare you to watch What's Eating Gilbert Grape and not be baffled by the fact that Tommy Lee Jones won the Oscar that year instead of Leo.)

My pick, since most people have seen The Departed by now, goes to another Scorsese project,The Aviator. (Get excited, all you Scorsese-DiCaprio fans: their next project, Shutter Island, will premiere in October of 2009.) Leo brings his trademark intensity to the complex (to say the least) role with fantastic results, and, in an even more impressive feat, is not completely outshone by the fast-talking, remarkable Cate Blanchett.

I'm also giving honorable mentions to Jack Lemmon and Robert Downey, Jr. I'd love to give them a real spot, but I need to see more of their movies first. Since I mentioned him though, I have to briefly express my absolute joy at the news that Downey will play Sherlock Holmes in Guy Ritchie's upcoming project. It almost takes away the sting of that Will Ferrell atrocity. Almost.

(Look out next week for my companion list of favorite leading ladies.)

Best Week Ever? Well, Parts of It...

2008-07-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

Normally, I wouldn't write extensively about three unrelated, basic entertainment news blurbs from a random week. Half the time it's stuff that everyone else already knows and it can get really boring, really quickly. Heck, I'm boring myself writing this. But the movie news from the past few days produced so many extreme mood swings in me that I felt it necessary to discuss the latest at least for my own peace of mind, if not also for the benefit of my (5) readers. So strap yourselves in guys, because you're in for one crazy emotional roller coaster of a current events analysis (and yes, I just used the term "emotional roller coaster").

I'll start with the news that just plain brightened my day. It looks like the Arrested Development movie, after months of hearsay, is finally official. Jeffrey Tambor essentially confirmed it on Saturday at the Hellboy 2 premiere, following an earlier MTV interview with Jason Bateman in which the former Michael Bluth said that the only thing holding back production was money. I know a lot of AD fanatics are skeptical about adapting the series into a film, but Bateman stressed in his interview that Mitchell Hurwitz's script was made quite specifically for a movie, not consecutive TV episodes. And dammit, I just can't help rejoicing that the Bluths will be together again. Now as for those stingy producers, to quote Gob: COME ON!

One of imdb's daily links was my next source of happiness. I'm speaking, of course, of the premiere of the Quantum of Solace trailer. In true Bond fashion, it was highly cryptic, and highly exciting. So many things ran through my head as I was watching it (Jeez, is Bond going full-out rogue? And what's he doing in an arid valley with a big-ass gun? Oh look, his poker buddy's back!) yet I couldn't even begin to guess what will actually take place. Kudos to those trailer makers, because I'm officially pumped. (For any unfortunate souls out there who missed it, here you go.)

Now onto the news that almost completely nullified my excitement over the last two reports (brace yourselves, here comes the full-on rant): Judd Apatow, in his infinite wisdom, is producing a movie that will star Sacha Baron Cohen (better known as Borat) and Will Ferrell as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, respectively. All I can say to that is WHAT THE HELL?! Honestly, were the casting people trying to piss off Sherlock Holmes fans? Because if so, congratulations, I don't think there are any two actors (and I'm using the term loosely here) that could be worse for the parts. I was already terrified that Guy Ritchie was going to cast Jason Statham as Holmes in his own project, but at this point I'll welcome that criminally-inclined pretty boy with open arms over Talladega Nights 2.

Granted, Cohen could at least look a little like Holmes, but this beloved character is known for his wit and subtle genius. I don't think even the most extreme Cohen fan could argue that the man is subtle. And Will Ferrell?? That choice is even more infuriating. He hasn't had a decent movie (or a different character) since Stranger Than Fiction and, hate to say it, but from the looks of Step Brothers, it doesn't look like he'll be making a glorious comeback anytime soon. True, he was surprisingly calm in Fiction, but having another outrageous comedian competing alongside him for audience attention is only going to make him more irritating and obnoxious.

Poor, poor Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Thank goodness he isn't alive to see this. Unfortunately, I am, so excuse me while I go cry.

Reality Bites

2008-06-25T14:49:00.000-07:00

Just about any sane person with the slightest grasp of current events will tell you the world is going to hell. Consider the facts: the U.S. economy is tanking, Tibet isn't free, the violence in Darfur continues and High School Musical 3 will arrive in mere months. Pretty bleak, wouldn't you say? But don't despair, for I have arrived at the long elusive solution to this huge mess. It's pretty simple, really: we just need to start living in movies.

Lest you doubt the validity of my completely plausible plan, I've compiled a list of 10 reasons why the world would be a much better and brighter place if it were, in fact, a film...

1. Gang violence would be all but eliminated thanks to the new method of "dancing it out" (complete with lots of snapping).

2. Children could safely accept invitations to chocolate factories from grown men in purple coats and top hats.

3. Debt? No problem. As long as you are a ridiculously nice person (or bear a striking resemblance to Jimmy Stewart), friends, neighbors and people you don't even know will spontaneously give you more than enough money to pay it off, on Christmas Eve. And they'll sing!

4. Evil would routinely get its ass kicked by Clint Eastwood, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone or some other old tough guy.

Corollary: College professors and archaeologists would gain some much needed street cred. (Indiana Jones can and will throw your sorry ass into spinning airplane blades if you cross him.)

5. Pigs and other animals would be able to talk and teach us valuable life lessons.

6. All hot guys would be really sensitive, while all hot girls would be completely unaware of their good looks (and secretly very smart).

7. Being late for anything would be impossible with our acquired bat capes, jet-propelled iron suits and web-slinging technology.

8. Need advice? Morgan Freeman can be found at your local jail or holding down a thankless job. He knows everything.

9. Certain life moments would be made all the more epic, scary or dramatic when scored by John Williams.

10. Past mistakes could finally be rectified by non-linear story structures. Just make sure you're in a Quentin Tarantino movie (in which case, you're going to have a whole lot of shit to straighten out anyway).

Hollywood's Best Kept Secret

2008-06-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

I know that I often say things on this blog that are pretty debatable, so I thought I'd start off this post with something we can all agree on: Robert Downey, Jr. is the freakin' man.

Seriously, anyone who's seen Iron Man or Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (just watch it; you'll thank me later) knows this guy is one of the funniest, most charismatic actors out there, yet he still more than lives up to his job description. So just when I thought he couldn't be any more talented, he goes and proves me wrong. Thanks to some aimless youtube searching a few days ago, I came across a video of him recording a song. Apparently, he released an album called The Futurist in 2004! And let me tell you, he can sing.

It's absolutely criminal that more people don't know about his vocal skills, so I'm sharing the video here. Give it a listen, and don't be too startled by the man with multi-colored facial hair; there's an introduction with the producers and collaborators.

What did I tell you? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Downey were also a champion unicyclist.

Editor's Note: Apparently this video is gone. You can listen to the song here, or enjoy the great Bruce Springsteen cover he performed on Ally McBeal:

Book-to-Movie Casting Choices: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2008-06-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

Adapting a film from a beloved book is tricky business. Filmmakers must meet impossibly high standards to satisfy fans: the story needs to do the novel justice without employing a ridiculous running time, the set and costumes need to be just as creative as the author's and audience's imaginations, the music must perfectly compliment the overall mood - the list is endless. Perhaps more important than anything else, though, is matching the characters with famous faces in the paramount (no pun intended) casting process. With that in mind, I thought I'd examine the casting choices on a few upcoming such movies (only from books I've read, to be fair) and weed out the smart calls from the doomed decisions.

The Good
I have to admit, I was pretty skeptical when I heard that Peter Jackson was directing the big-screen adaptation of Alice Sebold's The Lovely Bones. For the benefit of those unfamiliar with the book, the story is about a 14-year-old girl who watches her family unravel following her rape and murder. (I should probably mention that she's in the afterlife.) While the latter provides plenty of opportunities for Jackson's fantasy proclivities, the story is, at its heart, a quiet family drama miles away from the Lord of the Rings franchise. One look at the attached actors, however, dissolved my doubts. First and foremost, Saoirse Ronan (that brilliant - but in context, bitchy - little girl from Atonement) is set to play the tragic protagonist Susie Salmon. This choice makes me so happy, I don't even know what else to say, so I'll move right along.

Susie's parents, the broken-hearted yet vengeful Jack and ultimately adulterous Abigail, will be embodied by Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz. Weisz has proven herself a remarkable actress and thus gained the trust of many, but there's a lot of skepticism about Wahlberg and, really, it's somewhat justified. He is, after all, best known for playing macho badasses so his leap to a grieving father understandably has some fans worried. However, despite the type casting, Wahlberg is a pretty decent actor (he didn't get that Oscar nod for nothing, you know) who has been known to successfully step out of his comfort zone (in addition to Shooter and Four Brothers, films like I Heart Huckabees, The Basketball Diaries and Boogie Nights appear on his resume). This might be the Departed fanatic in me talking, but I say we give 'ol Marky Mark a chance.

Rounding out the Lovely Bones cast is Stanley Tucci, as the despicable child predator. He may be best known as Meryl Streep's sarcastic fashion assistant, but this guy has so much creep potential, it's not even funny.

My other pick for excellent casting isn't officially confirmed, but it's so perfect that I had to comment. After finally nailing down a director (no, it's not Jackson but rather Guillermo del Toro, of Pan's Labyrinth fame), The Hobbit has begun searching for its Bilbo Baggins, and early word says it might be none other than James McAvoy! If McAvoy's undeniable talent weren't enough to persuade you, consider this case-making evidence:

The Bad
The cast of The Secret Life of Bees has been causing quite a stir among fans of the Sue Monk Kidd novel. Alicia Keys as a somewhat frigid 60-something? Paul Bettany as an abusive southern father? Not your first guesses, I'm sure. But while choices like these can mostly be rectified by slight alterations (obviously, Keys's age will be downscaled while Bettany...is going to have to rely on his acting, it seems), the film has made a fatal flaw in the casting of its lead. Our 14-year-old heroine Lily Owens, who flees Bettany's character to find comfort (and background on her long-dead mother) with three black sisters in '60s South Carolina will be portrayed by...Dakota Fanning? Aside from the fact that physically, she looks nothing like Lily, there are two key issues with this decision. Although Fanning fits the age, for some reason she still looks like she's 12 years old. Given the fact that she's supposed to have a 16-year-old love interest, it's a bit problematic. Worse still, Fanning's unshakable reputation as the cute, precocious blond girl will be difficult to get past. Granted, I didn't see the super-controversial Hounddog, so maybe I'm being unfair, but a role like Lily Owens seems way out of her league and unlike Wahlberg, she hasn't really showcased a range as of yet. Who knows, she might prove me wrong, but I can't help feeling that they could've found a better choice, very easily.

The Ugly
Tom Hanks in Angels and Demons. Not the hair again, please, anything but the hair!

A Eulogy for the MTV Movie Awards

2008-06-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

It's pretty hard to describe the atrocity that was the 2008 MTV Movie Awards. So much of it was awkward, unfunny, and/or in poor taste that it's really difficult to conclusively pinpoint what went wrong.

I'll give it a try.

Before I get into this analysis, let me provide a bit of a disclaimer: I fully acknowledge that this award show is not something to be taken seriously. The best movies and actors from that year never win; someone like Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't stand a chance in hell against Johnny Depp and Shia LaBeouf. Honestly, these latter teen favorites could star in a two-minute movie of themselves singing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" and still triumph. Yet there was a time when you could at least have fun watching them pass out the golden popcorn. Sadly, it seems even the entertainment aspect of the show has finally gasped its last breath.

The first indication of this tragic truth came in the choice of Mike Myers as the host. If there was any doubt that he has completely lost his comedic touch, that was laid to rest during his excruciating hosting gig. When not shamelessly promoting The Love Guru, he managed to make nearly every introduction uncomfortably unfunny and sucked any bit of hilarity out of his pre-filmed shorts (which were not, in one more sign of grave error, the trademark movie parodies that used to provide most of the show's comedy but spotlights on behind-the-scenes players of Myers' own design). Even the surprise return of his beloved Wayne's World skit (Dana Carvey was resurrected for the bit) wasn't what it should have been. Myers inexplicably rushed through the sketch, clumsily throwing in recycled material along the way. If the man can't even play Wayne Campbell, the character that got him started, anymore, clearly his time is over.

The show's next terrible mistake was an appallingly poorly executed introduction to the Best Summer Movie So Far award. James Franco and Seth Rogen were the presenters and, to promote their stoner caper Pineapple Express, proceeded to pull out a bag of fake weed, which they then "smoked." Normally, this would have been at least somewhat amusing, but to appease the FCC the cameras pulled back into the farthest audience ranks, prompting many (myself included) to wonder why they even planned this bit. However, it became downright distasteful when the camera went to Robert Downey, Jr. for a reaction shot. The poor guy registered profound confusion at this spotlight and, worse still, had to go accept the award with Jon Favreau for Iron Man shortly thereafter. Was it really necessary to take a potshot at such a genuinely talented actor who has finally overcome his struggle with substance abuse? C'mon, MTV, you've got to have a little more class than that.

Downey was, however, one of the show's few bright spots. When not gracefully handling that disgusting druggie joke, he managed to be absolutely hilarious in a "viral video" with his Tropic Thunder co-stars Ben Stiller and Jack Black. Here, MTV finally exhibited some exceptional parodying of the trio that was, though gutsy, not offensive. You can check it out for yourself here:

Jack Black, Ben Stiller & Robert Downey, Jr. at 2008 MTV Movie Awards from Robert Downey Jr

Other moments of note, due to sheer awfulness: Best Kiss goes to Step Up 2 the Streets and Best Fight goes to Never Back Down. I was unaware that anyone had even seen these movies. I guess you should never underestimate the power of one devoted fan, when given unlimited voting. Maybe that's why Superbad left with absolutely nothing. I mean, seriously? Its leads lose Best Male Performance to Will Smith in I Am Legend?? It loses Best Movie to Transformers??? The latter just proves what I have long suspected: Michael Bay is the Antichrist.

All snide remarks aside, it's sad to see an awards show that was once genuinely entertaining (a true rarity) slip into such decline. I may not be speaking for everyone here, but I used to look forward to the MTV Movie Awards, back when the show's best parody actually used to be a source of debate. Now, however, we have a show that is neither funny nor credible, but rather a horrible trainwreck that has become meaningless to the fans it supposedly represents.

Navigating the Future Careers of the Stars of "Lost"

2008-06-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Lost is a subject that's been on my mind a lot recently. I mean, how could it not be when the finale had the island literally moving, a rather important character in a coffin, and Christian Shepherd making more cryptic visits (seriously, for being dead since the show's beginning, this guy is getting an awful lot of screen time). I had started wondering about the direction the show would take in its last two seasons, and then an entirely different thought struck me: which of our favorite cast members are actually going to achieve post-Lost stardom and which are going to disappear abruptly like those worthless diversions Nikki and Paulo?

Okay, okay. I know that I set out to make a blog about movies, and probably look like a bit of a hypocrite sitting here writing about Lost (because it's obviously not discussed enough). But what I'm interested in is the movie star potential of its cast and really, how can you talk movies without talking actors?

So let's begin the discussion with the cast member who has the least Hollywood potential: Matthew Fox. It doesn't make sense at first glance, I know. Despite the praise for Lost's strong ensemble, the guy is basically its star and looks-wise, he's the perfect leading man. His recent attempts at the silver screen, however, would suggest otherwise. While co-starring with Matthew McConaughey in the 2006 sports movie We Are Marshall seemed like a small, but safe, step in the right direction, he followed it with two of 2008's biggest bombs: Vantage Point (did I mention his horrendous Spanish accent?) and Speed Racer. With those crushing disappointments and no other films lined up at present time, it would seem that Knocked Up was right; there really isn't anything interesting (or bankable) about Matthew Fox.

However, there is something very bankable about Jack's half-sister Claire, known in the real world as Emilie de Ravin. She is probably the Lost cast member that I see having the best shot at celebrity, largely because she knows how to balance commercially and critically successful projects. She made her film debut in the terrific 2005 indie film noir Brick (also starring the wonderful Joseph Gordon-Levitt) but then took a role in the 2006 horror flick The Hills Have Eyes, which pulled in a respectable $41.7 million. Since then she's slowed down, but in 2009 she'll appear with critic (and audience) darlings Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in the Michael Mann crime drama Public Enemies. So yeah, I think she'll be just fine.

Fittingly, Ms. de Ravin's ill-fated onscreen romantic interest Dominic Monaghan also shows great promise. The fact that Monaghan already had a bit of a name from that little Lord of the Rings trilogy prior to Lost might have something to do with it, but regardless I think Charlie fans can expect some significant movie roles from him in the future. His success, admittedly, is a little less certain than de Ravin's since he hasn't appeared in a wide-release (or especially well-noted) movie since LOTR, but he does currently have three films in the works, one of which is X-Men Origins: Wolverine. So while I may be partial to him since Charlie was always my favorite and he may need a little more time before he makes the A- or more likely B-list, I can't help thinking we'll be seeing much more of our dearly departed Dominic.

Now there are some Losties that I see having long careers, but as slightly obscure actors, not stars. Naveen Andrews (aka resident torture specialist Sayid) is probably the best example. Like Monaghan, he already had a decent resume (including a part in the nine-time Oscar winner The English Patient) before joining ABC's smash series and, like de Ravin, he continued to take some career-savvy projects in his spare time. First came the 2004 Bollywood-style Jane Austen adaptation Bride and Prejudice, followed by the critically acclaimed 2007 B-movie homage Grindhouse (specifically the Robert Rodriguez half, Planet Terror) and Jodie Foster film The Brave One (also 2007). Presently, he just wrapped a horror movie called Animals and, considering his Oceanic Six status, probably has at least another season of Lost. Although, knowing the show, Andrews might be churning out some post-Lost projects sooner than we think.

As for the rest of the cast, I feel that they have yet to prove the viability of their careers one way or another. I mean, Evangeline Lilly (Kate) could definitely be big, or screw her chances with a few bad choices, like Matthew Fox. Daniel Dae Kim (Jin) could easily fade into obscurity, but he did have that spot on the mini-series The Andromeda Strain recently. Who knows? One thing, however, is certain: these actors, like their crazy show, just love to keep us guessing.

The Quintessential College Movies That Aren't Really about College

2008-05-30T12:12:00.000-07:00

There are some things you just can't avoid in college. While beer pong and The Dave Matthews Band are probably the most inescapable, I've realized that there are even certain movies you're bound to end up watching at some point during those four years. Since my penchant for lists must be clear by now, follow me as I discuss the most unavoidable (for better or worse) college movies.

1. Fight Club (1999)

Despite the fact that Fight Club's most ardent fans are probably those in their mid- to late-teens, it is actually possible to avoid seeing this in high school. In fact, after my first time watching it (in the midst of my senior year), I had a pretty hard time finding someone to discuss it with. But once your failure to see it becomes known on a college campus, you might go one more hour without this apparent sin being rectified. So why is it so popular? The fact that it is arguably Brad Pitt's best role (and that he's shirtless and buff for a good deal of it) has a lot to do with it. Ed Norton also has a pretty big collegiate following. But it's probably that huge WTF? ending that makes watching it, often more than once, such a necessity.

2. Garden State (2004)

Who would've thought that Scrubs's most cheerful manboy, Dr. John Dorian, had so many inner demons? Certainly not most of Zach Braff's pre-established fans. The sheer surprise at his oh-so-artsy tribute to New Jersey might explain some of the interest it it, but really we all know that the soundtrack is what made this movie so popular. It almost single-handedly launched the career of The Shins and made "Such Great Heights" a new favorite song of teens and countless commercials alike.

3. Almost Famous (2000)

I was most surprised to discover that this was such a college must-see, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. First and foremost, it pays homage to '70s rock 'n roll, a genre rivaled perhaps only by the bro music of Jack Johnson and Co. as the most preferred of college students. Secondly, it laces this music into a sweet coming-of-age tale featuring a blend of wonderful under-the-radar actors and NBC's comedy line-up (including Rainn Wilson as a Rolling Stone editor. If you didn't notice it the first time, rewatch it! Trust me, seeing Dwight Schrute in a curly '70s fro and equally amusing outfit is so worth it). You really have to wonder why Kate Hudson doesn't make movies like this anymore...

4. Pulp Fiction (1994)

This one's kind of a no-brainer. It's got cult figure Samuel L. "Motherfucking Snakes" Jackson as the ultimate badass, paired with the quirky choice of John "Grease Lightening" Travolta in one crazy bloody (hot? tranny?) mess of a movie. The dialogue is offbeat, the sequences memorable, and structure as non-linear as you can get, making it the perfect companion to the equally offbeat, memorable (and regarding our recollections of some particularly inebriated nights, non-linear) college experience.

5. At Least Two "Classic" Will Ferrell Comedies

You're bound to get introduced to a few new comedians while at college, but it would seem that Will Ferrell is the most universal fail-safe. Which is why I think it's safe to say you'll have to watch not just one, but two (or, depending on the crowd, closer to twenty-two) of his movies. It's a bit unfair to call Wedding Crashers a Will Ferrell movie, considering he's barely in it, so I'd bet that those two choices are going to be the middle-aged, contemporary retelling of Animal House, Old School, and what is probably Ferrell's Citizen Kane, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. If you're looking for a little-seen toned-down Ferrell though (contrary to popular belief, it does exist), definitely check out Stranger Than Fiction, or Dick for all you history nerds out there (despite its X-rated title, it's a Watergate spoof, with Ferrell as Bob Woodward).

The Indie Review Series, Part 3

2008-05-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

I ended the indie streak with Lars and the Real Girl. The titular Lars (Ryan Gosling) is a sweet, fragile man who, rather than taking a chance on a real relationship, adopts Bianca, a sex doll, as his girlfriend. His concerned brother and sister-in-law (Paul Schneider and Emily Mortimer) play along, as does the rest of the small town, in hopes of his eventual psychological healing (if you couldn't already tell, Lars has some deep-set intimacy issues to resolve).

What's good about it: Like my other two choices, Lars and the Real Girl features superior acting, namely the standout performance by Ryan Gosling. He brings deep sympathy to Lars, who would normally be seen as absolutely insane or perverted, making the entire town's involvement seem at least somewhat plausible. The story, though not really the comedy it was marketed as, is also very original and touching (Bianca's introduction to Lars's brother and sister-in-law is, however, pretty funny).

What's not so good about it: Despite the strong writing, the film drags briefly in the middle. Some may also find the story hard to buy.

Bottom line: If you can believe the premise, chances are you'll love this sweet and creative tale of boy meets (plastic) girl.

That's it for the indie trilogy. Maybe give one of these movies a try next time you're having a Blockbuster or Netflix dilemna. In the meantime, I'll get back to coming up with some more recommendations...

The Indie Review Series, Part 2

2008-05-23T21:37:00.000-07:00

Next up was The Savages. The two-time Oscar nominee tells the story of two middle-aged siblings, Wendy and Jon Savage (Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman), who must deal with their father's ailing health. Wendy and Jon must also juggle their own personal ordeals, including Wendy's professional failures and Jon's commitment issues, as they struggle to care for a man who never cared for them.

What's good about it: Really, just about everything. Writer and director Tamara Jenkins has crafted two of the most interesting, well-developed characters in recent memory and provided a somber yet moving (and sometimes even humorous) story as their backdrop. Lucky for her, the seemingly invincible Hoffman-Linney duo not only skillfully interpret her screenplay, but enhance it. If the Academy were to give out MVP awards, Hoffman would surely have nabbed it for his past year's work. Between this and Charlie Wilson's War, he has cemented his spot as one of my all-time favorite actors.

What's not so good about it: In my opinion, it's nearly flawless, but some might find it a bit long and tedious.

Bottom line: Wonderfully acted and written; one of the best films of 2007.

The Indie Review Series

2008-05-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

With little else to do right now besides laugh at the energetic little chipmunk trying to scale my window, I've finally been getting around to all those movies I'd been meaning to see. While most of them are classics (I will now judge car chase scenes by impossibly high standards thanks to The French Connection) or just ones everyone has to see (I'm a bit ashamed I hadn't seen Bruce Willis/John McClane kick Alan Rickman's Germanic ass until now), I recently ended up watching three indie movies from the past year in a row. This group of films was just like most decent film trilogies: there was a fantastic one, a pretty good close second, and one that could have used a little work, but that we still forgive for its minor flaws.

I thought I'd break up my reviews into three separate posts (if you couldn't already tell, I can write a lot). So without further ado, here is the first of the indie trio...

I started off with Steve Buscemi's Interview, one of three planned American remakes of the late Theo van Gogh's works (Stanley Tucci's Blind Date and Bob Balaban's 1-900 constitute the rest of the group). Its premise is simple: Pierre Peders (Buscemi), a self-important political reporter, is sent to interview the seemingly vapid mega-star Katja (Sienna Miller), much to the chagrin of both parties. When Katja inadvertently gets Pierre into a car accident, she invites him to her loft where the two carry on a highly unconventional interview that reveals surprising depth to the pair.

What's good about it: Sienna Miller. I had never seen any of her movies, but she nails the messed-up starlet with more brains than she's given credit for. The twist ending is also excellent.

What's not so good about it: Steve Buscemi is hit-or-miss throughout the film and, while sometimes entertaining and/or intense, the dialogue between the two is often exasperating.

Bottom line: Definitely not a must-see, but a good introduction to Sienna Miller and, I guess to a degree, Theo van Gogh.

Comic Book Heroes, Steve Carell, and Shakespeare's Resurrection, Part 2

2008-05-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

You didn't think I'd keep you waiting that long, did you? Enjoy the rest of the list, and the first ever KMDB attached video!

3. Get Smart (06/20)

Maybe it's just because, as a diehard fan of The Office, I adore Steve Carell (Alan Arkin is pretty cool, too). Regardless, I think this may end up being the best comedy of the summer (since really, it only has two serious competitors, both of which appear on this list). The original TV show is a little before my time, and I haven't managed to watch any reruns or DVD seasons, so I can't comment on the validity of the casting choices and premise. If it's anything like Peter Sellers' brilliant Pink Panther series though, which I strongly suspect it is, we're in for one hilarious spy spoof.

4. The Dark Knight (07/18)

Even before Heath Ledger's tragic and shocking demise, I remember seeing this trailer and getting goosebumps. Sure, Ledger had credibility as an actor, but this I simply could not believe. As I became absorbed in his eerie voiceover and creepy face paint, I had to keep reminding myself that this was the Australian heartthrob who won the unconditional love of my generation's female audience by singing a Four Seasons song with a marching band. It was pretty damn near impossible to maintain this perspective, as I'm sure you all know. By the trailer's end (and after getting over my initial stunned paralysis), I had already made a mental note of July 18th on my calendar. You can imagine my devastation, then, when I later learned that I'd be overseas during its release (as much as I'm looking forward to Paris). So if you happen to see a crazed girl with luggage dashing through the movie theater on, say, the 27th or so, don't forget to say hi.

5. Hamlet 2 (08/27 - limited)

This comedy features a song called "Rock Me, Sexy Jesus" and is, indeed, about a sequel to what is perhaps Shakespeare's most famous tragedy (written by a high school drama teacher). Need I say more?

Honorable Mention: Pineapple Express (08/08)

I have to admit, when I saw the early ads for the latest Judd Apatow project (though he only produces this one; in fact, he hasn't directed anything since Knocked Up, contrary to what almost every comedy since then has led us to believe) my mild curiosity was overcome by a strong skepticism. However, if my recent funnyordie.com binges have taught me anything, it's that James Franco is one hilarious guy. Check out the first episode of his "Acting with James Franco" series for evidence:

Comic Book Heroes, Steve Carell, and Shakespeare's Resurrection

2008-05-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

Summer is (almost) officially here, and that means the blockbuster onslaught is as close as a worst acting by Nicolas Cage contest between National Treasure and all other Nicolas Cage movies. I thought I'd celebrate the release of movies I'm genuinely excited about by highlighting the top five films I'm psyched to see. (I don't know whether I'll write a companion "Movies I'll Be Avoiding like the Plague" list, so just in case I have to ask why Eddie Murphy is still allowed to act. Is anyone honestly going to see Meet Dave?) Carrie Bradshaw's bizarre wedding gown and hideous feather headdress sadly did not make the cut...

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (05/23)

Yeah, Harrison Ford is old and yeah, both Spielberg and Lucas have been delivering less than their A-game lately. But it's Indiana Jones! And from the looks of the trailer, Crystal Skull had the potential to rank right up there with Raiders of the Lost Ark (I mean hello, they even brought back Marion). The action sequences look pretty impressive, even with Ford's *ahem* advanced age, and I just want to hug the casting director who got Cate Blanchett to play the commie villain. Like everyone else, I'm dying to know whether Shia LaBeouf's character is Indy's secret son, although I have to doubt the legitimacy of the name Mutt Williams. I suppose we'll have all the answers in just a few short days, and I am so excited for it (I'm not even remotely excited, however, for the inevitable Star Wars: The Clone Wars trailer. I'm starting to think that not even a nuclear holocaust will stop this franchise's continued, and completely unjustified, expansion).

2. The Incredible Hulk (06/13)

I have to admit that I could only sit through 10 minutes of Ang Lee's 2003 bomb, but I think (and hope) this version will make us all forget that excruciating experience. The first and most obvious sign of the film's step in the right direction is Edward Norton. The man has played everything from a neo-Nazi to a conflicted Catholic priest with ease; a quick look at his resume assures us that he has tortured souls down pat. The story's alterations also look promising; a focus on the misunderstood hero on the run from the military is sure to be more entertaining than the weak family backstory of its predecessor. Besting Ang Lee is no mean feat, but come June 13th, I think relative newcomer Louis Leterrier will have earned those rather exclusive bragging rights.

As much as I'd love to just wrap this up now, I suspect that would put me in the running for longest blog post ever. Look out for the rest of the list (which constitutes the "Steve Carell" and "Shakespeare's Resurrection" sections of the title) in the next few days.