The Emmy Ballot of Champions

Yes, I know, that says Emmy. Not Oscar or Golden Globe, Emmy. I've been trying to stick to movie topics, but Emmy nomination season makes it really tough. I'm forced to sit helpless as various commentators pick the nominees and mystical, unpredictable voters actually decide them. I was in the middle of sulking when I remembered, "Hey! I have a blog, like thousands of other losers, that ten people read. I can make a difference!" So I decided to make my own Emmy ballot, though really it's more of an extended FYC post. Thing is, I don't see nearly enough TV to make a fair ballot, so instead I honor the following actors because they're awesome. You'll notice some show biases, but hey, we've all got them. Plus that just means you should really get into these shows. 

I know you may be wary of my opinion, as I've yet to prove myself as any kind of TV (pseudo-)authority, so I'll just put this out there: I have an amazing track record of converting people to my shows. I'm probably at least somewhat responsible for 1/3 of my high school's The Office-watching population, and just this year I bagged four Mad Men enthusiasts. It may be that, like Andy Bernard, I possess the ability to slowly -- and painfully -- wear someone down, but I'd like to think that I have good taste in TV. So hopefully you'll bear with me on this break with blog tradition, for I'm proud to present KMDB's 2009 (kind of) Emmy ballot!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Neil Patrick Harris - How I Met Your Mother

Neil Patrick Harris, or NPH as he is affectionately known, is pretty much perfection personified. (How do you like that alliteration?) He's not only musically and magically talented, but unbelievably funny. And I mean unbelievably. Just listening to Barney's excited giggle in "Sorry, Bro" had me dying, so let's not even get started on the Naked Man or his depicted rave outfit. I know I've previously declared Dev Patel the world's most adorable person, but NPH is a very close second -- even when he's playing the world's biggest skeeze.

Chi McBride - Pushing Daisies

It isn't easy being a gruff PI in such whimsical outfits. I mean, shit, Chuck Bass would envy some of this guy's patterns (though Chuck still holds the distinction of creating what I desperately hope is the new official uniform of the NBA). That said, Chi McBride makes it work. He's a necessary and wonderful foil against all the chipper Pushing Daisies characters who still has his fair share of aww moments. For evidence, see the entire "Water and Power" episode. He's just a big teddy bear! In all honesty though, two of the things I'll miss most about this tragically deceased show are his antagonistic relationship with Dead Girl and hearing the name Emerson Cod enunciated with relish by Jim Dale.

Honorable Mention: Bill Hader for Saturday Night Live 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Michael Emerson - Lost

Because it's been four seasons, and I still never know what the hell Ben is up to. He tricks me into thinking he might not be pure evil every damn time. Also, as Dan Hopper at the Best Week Ever blog points out, he got beat up a lot this year. The least we can do is give him an Emmy.

Jeremy Davies/Terry O'Quinn/Josh Holloway - Lost

Clearly I don't watch as many dramas as comedies. Still, each of these guys had dynamic seasons. Sawyer shaved and lost some sass, Daniel Faraday manically tried to fix the island's time jumping and Locke dealt with that whole being dead thing. None easy tasks, but these three excelled. As much as I'm pulling for them though, I would be happy with any nods for the exceptional Lost cast. That even includes the non-stop bitchfest that is Matthew Fox.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Kristin Chenoweth - Pushing Daisies

The picture says it all. While the Pushing Daisies cast is far from weak, Kristin Chenoweth is hands down the funniest of the bunch. Whether hanging out in a nunnery, pondering Ned's use of the double negative or singing "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie, she always finds a way to make you smile...even when she's pitifully pining over Ned.

Jane Krakowski - 30 Rock

Alright, confession time: it took me a very long time to get into 30 Rock. Even after the entire first season I still wasn't completely sold, but I was always a fan of the supporting cast, especially Jane Krakowski. In fact, the first time I really remember laughing was when Jenna told Liz how she was going to "use her sexuality" to evade unemployment.  This season was probably her best yet, and she was the star of my favorite subplot: the disastrous Janis Joplin biopic (eventually dubbed "Jackie Jormp-Jormp" due to copyright issues). Her delusions and desperation were as wild and hysterical as ever, as evidenced by...well, here, see for yourself:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Elisabeth Moss - Mad Men

Many people maintain that Elisabeth Moss got her SAG nomination solely for her emotional scene with Vincent Kartheiser in the Mad Men season two finale. That mesmerizing encounter may be enough to clinch her an Emmy nod, but her amazing work all season long makes it a near necessity. Though each and every Mad Men character is endlessly fascinating, Peggy is probably the most interesting one (well, apart from Don Draper, of course). I’m never quite sure what’s going on in her head. This season put her in a bunch of unusual situations, ranging from a promotion to some ambiguous encounters with a priest (no, not in that way). Moss rose to the occasion in each of them, channeling everything from shame to smug satisfaction to barely restrained devastation.

Christina Hendricks - Mad Men

I know, I know. Two Mad Men shout-outs in a row? Seems like overkill, especially after my Lost double-header. Trust me though, this show really is as incredible as all the critics say. What especially impresses me is the great roles this show writes for women, and the remarkable actresses who embody them. Joan has always been a character whose confidence and -- let's be honest -- bitchiness was just fun to watch, yet she showed a completely different side this season in light of her engagement. I don't want to spoil anything, so I'll just say this: Joan's most crucial scene this season makes Peggy's tearjerker look like a picnic in the park.

Look out for part 2, featuring the lead actors, sometime in the not-so-distant future!

Shutter Island: Yet Another Reason for My Declining Mental Health

No, no, no, no, NO! I can't take this anymore! Enough, Hollywood! Enough with the awesome movies that are literally driving me insane. I was already up to Annie Wilkes mode because of Sherlock Holmes and now you drop the Shutter Island trailer on my lap. Seriously, are you trying to drive me to full-on Norman Bates craziness? Robert Downey, Jr. as Sherlock Holmes is more than enough to occupy the rest of my year, but now I've got another Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese movie to deal with. You realize that I love them both to pieces? And that each of their movies together has been better than the one before? Logic dictates that Shutter Island will be better than The Departed. Let me repeat that: better than The Departed. Only one of my favorite movies of all time, and Leonardo DiCaprio's career best. Plus you've gone and thrown Jackie Earle Haley into the mix. Honestly, stop fucking with my mind. The guy who stole Watchmen and Little Children is in this movie. With Leonardo DiCaprio. And directed by Martin Scorsese.

What's next? Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Kate Winslet, James McAvoy, Cate Blanchett and Lee Pace in a movie by the reanimated corpse of Alfred Hitchcock? (Dear lord, don't even put that cast together. It will start with me laughing maniacally and end with an even more twisted version of A Clockwork Orange.) 

Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: Wes Bentley

Hello again, my dear readers. Today I write the first installment of a new recurring series I like to call "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally." In each new post, I will detail the tragic downfall of some truly talented actor's career. I'm not interested in their personal lives here, just the awful movies that blemish their resumes. Originally this was going to be a single post, but seeing as there are so many actors in need of saving nowadays, I thought I should expand the project. Let's take a look at our first case...

Ask anyone to name the first thing that comes to mind when you say American Beauty, and he or she will probably respond with, “That beautiful creep with the plastic bag!”  That beautiful creep would be none other than Wes Bentley. You’d think that after creating such a compelling and slightly unsettling character this guy would have a lot of great roles ahead of him. Not so. He’s only appeared in 13 movies since American Beauty – which was 10 years ago – and they include such illustrious titles as The White River Kid and Ghost Rider. That’s right, Wes Bentley has stooped to starring with the very bane of my existence, Nicolas Cage. People say that he’s notoriously picky when it comes to choosing scripts, but if so, poor Wes doesn’t seem to have a shred of common sense. What on earth made him think that a movie with Ray Romano (The Last Word) was a solid decision?

Perhaps more disappointing than his costars is his long list of crappy horror movies. Stuff like P2 isn't just painful to watch, it practically betrays what Wes was all about in the early days. See, the great thing about Ricky from American Beauty is that you have such a hard time telling whether he’s actually a freakish psychopath or just misunderstood. Playing a straight-up slasher really takes away from what Wes accomplished with that role, especially when it’s in a movie about a freakin’ parking garage.

Is it too late to stick him in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland? He could fit in so easily, it's not even funny. If he wants to avoid being typecast as the weirdo though, how about the Fahrenheit 451 remake? Guy Montag is a pretty interesting character, and trying out a new genre (sci-fi) might do Wes some good.

I know I’m investing a lot in a guy who was in one movie I liked, but he had such a promising start. That’s why pictures like this just kill me. There’s Wes, so close to a good movie yet so far away.

Confession: I Am a Lying Whore (for Andy "Motherlover" Samberg)

As some of you may recall, last year I wrote a pretty nasty post about the MTV Movie Awards in which I essentially declared them dead to me. Well apparently I have no convictions whatsoever, because at 9 pm last night I found myself transfixed on this joke of an awards show once again.

See, I wasn't counting on MTV to pull the Andy Samberg card. Those bastards must have known that I would follow him to the ends of the earth, singing Iran So Far Away and the Awesometown intro until I collapsed from heat exhaustion and/or severe frostbite. All it took was Andy, and just like that I was back to a show that insists that Twilight is a better movie than The Dark Knight, Iron Man and Slumdog Millionaire. 

Horrible? Yes. An absolute travesty? Duh. Yet I knew Twilight was going home with the gold. Anyone who has ever watched MTV should have. But just because I had to watch them present golden popcorn to people who destroy my faith in humanity didn't mean I wasn't going to laugh.

And so laugh I did. It wasn't as funny as it could have been, but my love for Andy Samberg has in no way diminished. His intro had some great moments, including Aziz Ansari making the Spocks cry like little bitches, Andy and his buddy Justin Timberlake having an awkward encounter and Andy insisting "No, you're the a-hole" to President Barack Obama. The ensuing monologue could've used a little work, but let's be real: it would've been legen- wait for it- dary if the notoriously broody Robert Pattinson had *actually* put his hands up for playing Edward Cullen. Have a sense of humor, Pattsy. Half of the world is laughing at you already.

Next, some awards were given out. Eminem performed. I didn't care. Then came something magical. Something that all those stupid Samberg critics should take a good hard look at. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Explosions":

Where do I even begin? The whole concept is genius, first of all. Andy's outfit is also a win. Will Ferrell...was alright I guess. Not gratingly annoying like he usually is nowadays, so he's got that going for him. And that keyboard solo? My opinion of J.J. Abrams just went from "he's a moderately cool guy" to "OMJJ can we please hang out and be best friends for life??" 

The rest of the show never really matched that level of awesomeness, but Andy still had some tricks up his sleeve. My second favorite was probably his Doubt Digital Short, complete with video game action so good it's sacrilegious...and Kiv!

Obviously if Andy's Lonely Island partners had been more involved, the show would have been more consistently hilarious. There was definitely a Jorma deficiency. Seeing him weep after Forest Whitaker, Leann Rimes and Chris Isaak's take on some of the Dudes' greatest hits was definitely not enough. I mean, I was practically crying after that awful display. The concept has worked before (see Josh Groban in "I'm F**king Ben Affleck") but you DO NOT let Leann Rimes mess with "Jizz in My Pants." You just don't. It could have been funny if she and her cohorts were backing up normal performances by the Lonely Island, but this so-called tribute was just bad. I was a little less angry at Forest Whitaker, though. He was kinda amusing, and still has about 500 Last King of Scotland points, as well as 5 million "Blame It" points, to use up before he's on my bad side.

I end this recap with an earnest plea to movie executives: make Andy's proposed project Driving Miss Daisy: The Early Years, starring Leighton Meester and Lil' Wayne, a reality. You probably think I'm greedy after the announcement that Ed Westwick will play Heathcliff in a new Wuthering Heights, but we all need this. If anything can bring about world peace, it's a movie where Lil' Wayne drives Blair Waldorf around in her limo. You better believe there would be an original KMDB movie poster if I actually had PhotoShop. Until that wonderful day comes, I leave some visual aids for your imagination/consideration.

Think about it.