Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: Shia LaBeouf

Remember back in the early naughties when we were first introduced to Louis Stevens, known in the real world as Shia LaBeouf?

What simple times those were. LaBeouf was merely a goofy child star then. He annoyed perfectionist sister Ren and formed awesome supergroups with his best friend Twitty each week on the Disney Channel. It was fantastic. His lead role in Holes a few years later would only cement his wholesome and largely lovable image.

After some tiny roles in I, Robot and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, LaBeouf began his transition to grown-up stardom with under-the-radar projects like The Greatest Game Ever Played, A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints and Bobby (they were generally well-received). The big breakthrough, however, came in Disturbia, after which he blew up into a bonafide celebrity.

Now, Disturbia was obviously not a masterpiece for anyone involved, but it was decent. Unfortunately, LaBeouf's subsequent movies would only plummet in quality. While I can't speak for Surf's Up, I did see The Beef's next next movie, Transformers. Obviously not my favorite, but I figured he's allowed one "fun," stupid movie. However, what came next was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, during which he swung from trees with CGI monkeys. Sadly only one of several WTF moments from that movie, whose awfulness I tried my best to deny for Cate Blanchett and the original Indiana Jones movies' sake, but which was eventually unavoidable.

Two massive misses in a row, what does LaBeouf do? Make a shitty amalgamation of every sci-fi thriller with a talking computer ever named Eagle Eye and another Transformers movie of course! And guess what his next project is? Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps. I'm not kidding. Michael Douglas is back, and teaming up with Shia to "alert the financial community to the coming doom and to find out who was responsible for the death of the young trader's mentor."

I know that a new Wall Street is extremely relevant now and that Gordon Gekko is an awesome character, but that sounds way too much like a fake, Mad Libs-generated movie. Maybe Oliver Stone is playing an elaborate trick on all of us, and actually making a prequel to JFK focused on British Prime Minister Harold Macmillian and John Kennedy's relationship.

(Bigger photos available here and here.)

Anyway, Shia LaBeouf might as well hire me as his manager now, because I have an extensive plan to save him from entering Vin Diesel territory. It's a commitment, to be sure; this is at least a five- to ten-year plan. But if he doesn't hop on it soon, it may get bumped up to twenty.

Okay, so first of all, and I know this is going to be hard to understand, cut all ties with Steven Spielberg. Yes, he's put you in lots of blockbusters, but he's also overexposed you, pegged you as franchise-happy and typecast you as a slightly uncool action hero. Your career will not survive if it continues this way. Even Harrison Ford made some non-commercial movies.

Next, lay off the big-budget action flicks. For the love of all things that are pure and wonderful in this world, do not sign on for Transformers 3. I don't want you near a movie with a single explosion. Not even one in a microwave. Take a few months to carefully read over some scripts and look for supporting roles. You need to slowly reenter the Hollywood scene, because you're nearing public disdain. And these supporting roles? They're going to be in dramedies. I like that you took a part in New York, I Love You. The cast and directors aren't nearly as impressive or credible as the ones in Paris, je t'aime, but they're a helluva lot better than Megan Fox and Michael Bay. And you got in a segment with Julie Christie where you're looking pretty classy. Good job. Let's continue this.

You're not lovable enough to attempt this yet, but in time, you may also want to reconsider your comedy roots. The only reason I'm even bothering to figure out how to save your sorry career is because I have fond middle school memories of Even Stevens (and Bobby wasn't bad, either). If you can replicate your past comedic success, you're set. Perhaps a self-deprecating role as a slightly douchey young actor? God it's a shame Extras isn't on the air anymore.

After a few years of doing what I described above, you should be ready for lead roles again and have gained some more long-term staying power. If you pull this off really well, you may even be able to throw in another action movie or two, a la Matt Damon. But seriously, heed my words, Shia. You won't get rid of that unfortunate new nickname of yours (LaDouche), or Michael Bay, otherwise.