Lest you doubt the validity of my completely plausible plan, I've compiled a list of 10 reasons why the world would be a much better and brighter place if it were, in fact, a film...
1. Gang violence would be all but eliminated thanks to the new method of "dancing it out" (complete with lots of snapping).
2. Children could safely accept invitations to chocolate factories from grown men in purple coats and top hats.
3. Debt? No problem. As long as you are a ridiculously nice person (or bear a striking resemblance to Jimmy Stewart), friends, neighbors and people you don't even know will spontaneously give you more than enough money to pay it off, on Christmas Eve. And they'll sing!
4. Evil would routinely get its ass kicked by Clint Eastwood, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone or some other old tough guy.
- Corollary: College professors and archaeologists would gain some much needed street cred. (Indiana Jones can and will throw your sorry ass into spinning airplane blades if you cross him.)
5. Pigs and other animals would be able to talk and teach us valuable life lessons.
6. All hot guys would be really sensitive, while all hot girls would be completely unaware of their good looks (and secretly very smart).
7. Being late for anything would be impossible with our acquired bat capes, jet-propelled iron suits and web-slinging technology.
8. Need advice? Morgan Freeman can be found at your local jail or holding down a thankless job. He knows everything.
9. Certain life moments would be made all the more epic, scary or dramatic when scored by John Williams.
10. Past mistakes could finally be rectified by non-linear story structures. Just make sure you're in a Quentin Tarantino movie (in which case, you're going to have a whole lot of shit to straighten out anyway).
No comments:
Post a Comment