The Emmy Ballot of Champions, Part 2

Since the actual Emmy nominations come out in, oh, two days, I thought I should finally get around to that part two I promised so long ago. The reason I put it off so long was that I realized something quickly after starting it: I have no clue what I'm talking about. Supporting actors are easier because there are lots of shows with strong ensembles or that you mainly watch for one actor (like NPH -- the 09 Emmy host! Someone finally listened to me). But lead actors are harder. I mean, honestly, does anyone watch one of the female-centric comedies not starring Tina Fey?

Some of these choices are subsequently going to be a little ridiculous and desperate, but I do have one or two pet causes that need to be represented. So let's get down to it.

BEST LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Jon Hamm - Mad Men

Did you really expect me to ignore Jon Hamm after my already shameless display of Mad Men love? (Don't worry, there's still more coming.) As usual, Don Draper continued to blow me away anytime he said anything, and puzzle me to no end. The awesome thing about this character is that you can think he's a loathsome womanizer -- and he is -- but you can also find yourself doing fist pumps when he says things like, "I don't have a contact" (just typing it gets me excited). The California stuff this past season could have easily gone awry, but Hamm predictably made it bizarrely fascinating. Damn him and his lethal combination of genuine talent, good looks and - gasp! - a sense of humor.

Bryan Cranston - Breaking Bad

This is one of those cop-out choices I mentioned. I've only seen the first three episodes of Breaking Bad, so I'm in absolutely no position to campaign for Cranston. But I liked those episodes, and have an undying loyalty towards AMC for airing Mad Men and movies like Commando, so why not? His cancer clearly progressed this season, so there was probably some dramatic stuff going down, which I'd imagine he handled well. I'll get back to you next month, when I swear I'm going to catch up with this show. (Along with about five others. Oy vey.)

BEST LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

January Jones - Mad Men

Okay, this really is it. John Slattery isn't going to pop up unexpectedly, I swear. As much as I truly believe that Hamm, Hendricks and Moss deserve nods, this was an incredible season for Jones. MM creator Matthew Weiner (that brilliant, brilliant man) said it best: where season one Betty was a docile child, season two Betty was a rebellious teenager. Don's infidelity, boozing and overall neglect finally got to her and we got some pretty surprising moments from suburbia's Grace Kelly. Like, for instance, the scene following this screenshot. As the Ashleys from Recess would say: scandalous!

Glenn Close - Damages

I have not seen a single episode of Damages. Not even a minute of one. But Glenn Close is awesome, and somehow did not get an Oscar for Dangerous Liaisons. Hence, she is included.

So...how about that bunny scene in Fatal Attraction? Pretty freaky, huh? Michael Douglas is kind of a jerk in that movie, though. Everyone seems to forget that since she's so batshit crazy. What do you think that says about --

Oh thank god. I've filled up enough space to stop babbling.

BEST LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Steve Carell - The Office

This man does not have an Emmy. To borrow a phrase from Gay Perry, how in pluperfect hell is that possible? Though the last two seasons of The Office have been questionable, Steve Carell has never once slipped. He continues to deliver as Michael Scott, whose unbelievable social ineptitude is matched only by his surprising humanity. Michael is probably the toughest character to play not only on The Office but most current sitcoms, yet the Emmys have overlooked Carell's genius in favor of Ricky Gervais and Alec Baldwin. I won't argue that Gervais isn't also astoundingly uncomfortable in Extras, but I'm pretty freakin' sick of the fawning over Baldwin. He's good on 30 Rock, but honestly, he's not a god. Steve Carell, on the other hand, just might be.

Lee Pace - Pushing Daisies

Oh, Lee Pace. What am I going to do without you? While the Pushing Daisies supporting cast is hilarious (see part 1), you stand for everything that is adorable, endearing and sweet about the show. There's no way to make this not sound cheesy, so I'm just going for it: you are its heart. And I love you for that, as well as so many other things. Including but not limited to that time you dressed as a cowboy.

Zach Braff - Scrubs

After the travesty that was season seven of Scrubs, I was relieved that they got another shot to end things right. Still, I was skeptical that the show could regain the greatness that has made its reruns a staple of Comedy Central. But boy did it ever. The season ender (which is the last episode of the show for me) was perfection. And while we have to thank Sarah Chalke, Donald Faison, Judy Reyes, John C. McGinley, Neil Flynn, Ken Jenkins and Bill Lawrence (whew!) for that, Zach Braff is and always has been the show's strongest player. His willingness to be the butt of every joke and complete abandon when it comes to JD's fantasies make him one of sitcoms' most likeable stars. It's kinda ridiculous that he's only been nominated once for this show. Emmy people, fix that. It's the only way we'll get him to keep doing comedy and stop doing Garden State offshoots. You won't like him when he's indie.

BEST LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Tina Fey - 30 Rock

I'm not even going to put another BS candidate in here to beef up the category. This is Tina Fey's slot, and it's just plain silly to argue with her over it. Besides, how can you begrudge her a nod? She gave us so much -- Liz's sex line commercial, an inspired Muppet impression and the return of jury duty-evading Princess Leia. On top of that, she brought Jon Hamm on for a three episode arc. As you can imagine, my poor brain is still recovering from the levels of awesomeness in those installments, especially those in "The Bubble."

Overhead on the Metro, Transformers Edition

Today, in the midst of one of the most frustrating Metro rides of my life, I eavesdropped on a conversation that both destroyed and restored my faith in teenage boys. As you may have guessed, it concerned Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the latest Michael Bay fiasco that took $201 million in its first five days. Sadly, I'd gotten used to boys automatically dubbing it the best movie ever, but then I heard this exchange. I was astonished to find one boy voicing my exact (and extremely negative) opinion* to his enthusiastic friend. Don't worry though, his assclown buddy more than balances out the hope I gleamed from this:

Boy #1 (who will henceforth be referred to as "common sense"): ...maybe catch a movie on the way back. Just not Transformers 2, 'cause that was crap.

Boy #2 (who will henceforth be referred to as "fuckface"): Dude don't say that! I really wanna see it!

Common Sense: Well I guess if you go in with really low expectations, you'll like it.

Fuckface: Okay, but it's got Megan Fox, so it can't be that bad.

Common Sense: C'mon man, you need to have a certain amount of...I don't know, talent?

Fuckface: Whatever, dude. It's got Megan Fox and robots beating the shit out of each other. Plus the first one was amazing.

Common Sense: If these train doors were open, I would push you out right now. It's people like you that keep Michael Bay in business.

Fuckface: I don't even know who the fuck that is. Besides, okay, so I read that all the critics, like, hate it, right?

Common Sense: Yes, I am one of those critics.

Fuckface: Right, but all the normal people -- like me -- and not the elitists...well, no, you're not elite, but all the average people thought it was alright. And there are way more of us than there are of you.

At this point, my memory of the conversation ends. I can't decide if either: a) common sense had to sadly acknowledge that fuckface was right -- there are many more idiots like him than there are "elitists," b) I withdrew my attention to suppress laughter over fuckface's complete misunderstanding of the word "elitist" or c) I had to stop myself from slapping fuckface. Either way, that was it. I decided to share it because it actually perfectly sums up Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. As much as common sense tells us it's crap, there are plenty of fuckfaces that love explosions and hot, stupid girls. So many, in fact, that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen almost broke The Dark Knight's opening box office. Yep, Heath Ledger's iconic (not really) last performance was almost overshadowed by a robot named Bumblebee.

You'd think I'd be more depressed by this, but with only two more weeks 'til (500) Days of Summer, nothing's going to get me down. Speaking of which, watch the trailer right now if you haven't already. It looks a lot like Annie Hall, only without the annoying presence of Woody Allen. (Translation: incredible!)

Before you say it's too indie, I present two facts: it has the never-too-much-anything-except-awesome Joe G-L and features a Hall & Oates song in its trailer. So shut up.

*Disclaimer: Though I have sat through Transformers, I haven't actually seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I know it's a little unfair for me to bash a movie I haven't even watched, but I feel like there are certain movies that are so awful, you get a free ride. I mean, c'mon, how many people saw Gigli? That doesn't stop the other 324901740917234 non-viewers from making fun of it.