I used to think of myself as a semi-authority (let me repeat semi-authority) on movies, but boy was I ever delusional. Disregard everything I've ever said about them, because I hadn't realized their full potential until a few days ago, when I watched Commando.
What is Commando you ask? Well, as my post title indicates, it's only the most amazing cinematic achievement ever. It's also a 1985 action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and teeny Alyssa Milano as an inseparable father and daughter named John and Jenny Matrix (wait, it gets better). When some baddies (including Ahnold's former military partner!) kidnap the little girl, John Matrix goes on a freakin' rampage and KILLS THEM ALL. And when I say rampage, I don't mean a wussy Mark Wahlberg rampage or a pansy Bruce Willis shoot-out. You would get pretty hammered if you took a shot every time John Matrix kills someone, with or without a gun. And by hammered, I mean you would OD. Since everyone should see this movie ASAP, I've compiled a list of 15 reasons why Commando beats the crap out of Citizen Kane:
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s muscles.
3. John Matrix’s puns, including but not limited to “Please don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired,” and “I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I’m very hungry!”
4. The theme song “We Fight for Love” by POWER STATION (yes, the all caps are necessary).
5. John Matrix’s kill count: 81.
6. The fact that John Matrix’s swim wear is a black Speedo.
7. The most ridiculous explosion sequence I’ve ever seen, which, my friends noted, must have been Michael Bay’s career inspiration.
8. John Matrix’s minimalist comebacks.
9. The way John Matrix wills things to work for him, like a flipped car…or choppa!
10. The villainous Bennett’s insistence on wearing chainmail.
15. The line “I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes…I’m going to shoot you between the balls!”
11. Two words: war paint.
12. The opening credits of John and Jenny Matrix eating ice cream, petting a deer, fishing...Arnold can be sensitive too!
13. The magical backroom of guns and rocket launchers John Matrix happens upon.
14. The inclusion of the country of Val Verde, a made-up South American nation similar to Cuba and Nicaragua that moviemakers used to avoid diplomatic complications in not just Commando but Predator and Die Hard 2.
12. The opening credits of John and Jenny Matrix eating ice cream, petting a deer, fishing...Arnold can be sensitive too!
13. The magical backroom of guns and rocket launchers John Matrix happens upon.
14. The inclusion of the country of Val Verde, a made-up South American nation similar to Cuba and Nicaragua that moviemakers used to avoid diplomatic complications in not just Commando but Predator and Die Hard 2.
And finally,
15. The line “I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes…I’m going to shoot you between the balls!”
2 comments:
...and you watched it without me? I'll never forgive you.
Crap, yet another movie I have to see. Just add it to the list of 2792536 other ones. Haha
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