The Best Worst Movie Championships

I got some flack recently for not writing about Troll 2, one of the many contenders for the worst movie of all time and one of my later summer viewings. As I thought about it, I realized that I've actually seen quite a few over-the-top, terrible movies in the past two years. And thus, I decided to make a best worst movie smackdown. I've created seven categories, and have five worthy contenders. In one corner, we have Showgirls, the Paul Verhoeven-directed mess which destroyed Elizabeth Berkeley's career and vigorously straddled (ha) the line between porn and actual cinema. In the next corner, we have Commando, an '80s Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick full of post-kill puns, ridiculous feats of strength and -- strangely -- father-daughter love. In the third corner, we have Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, which is exactly what it sounds like. In the fourth corner, we have Good Burger, the spin-off of Nickelodeon's "All That" sketch featuring the Laurel and Hardy of the '90s, Kenan and Kel. And in the fifth (why not?) corner, we have Troll 2, a horribly produced and horribly acted horror movie that isn't actually scary and doesn't include a single troll.

The bells are sounding. It's time to start the match...

Best Theme Song: "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight," Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

This one was actually a little harder than it might seem. First there's the awesomely '80s Commando song, "We Fight for Love," which gets me just as psyched as watching John Matrix throw telephone booths and share ice cream with his daughter. And "I'm a Dude" from Good Burger? Understated brilliance. "I'm a dude/he's a dude/she's a dude/we're all dudes -- hey!" is all you really need. (Let's not even get started on the interesting gender commentary Kel Mitchell was clearly going for here.) But in the end, you just can't beat "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight." Not only is it a ridiculous title, made even more ridiculous by the drawn out "laaaaaaaid," the lyrics are just too hilarious. We all know that Jesus "came from heaven," but even after years of Catholic school I somehow missed the "two stakes in his hand" and "to smote the vampires" parts. You must be intrigued by this point, so I'll leave you to the music video, surprisingly not by Journey, below.

Worst Hair: Kyle MacLachlan, Showgirls

The first and only time I watched Showgirls was actually for a college intro to film class. My fantastic professor decided to turn it into a Rocky Horror Picture Show-esque screening, giving us props and response commands. While my favorite was yelling, "It's Versace, bitch!" whenever Nomi mispronounced the designer name, my close second was screaming, "Hairpiece!" every single time Kyle MacLachlan appeared on screen.

I can accept that Nomi and Crystal enjoy dog food, or that Nomi truly sees topless lap dances as an art, but what I refuse to buy is that multiple women want to screw a guy with that rug. It's just so goddamn awful. Paul Verhoeven, I know you were probably more concerned with finding new and exciting ways to film as many naked women as possible, but couldn't you have have sprung for a decent hair stylist? Or just some hair gel? Or a comb? Or a mirror? 

Best Character Quirk: Bennett Wears Chainmail, Commando

I may love Nomi's unnecessary violence, John Matrix's puns and the fact that Ed enjoys milkshake jacuzzis, but the best quirk has to be the never-explained tendency of Commando's backstabbing Bennett to wear chainmail. Actually, it's more than a tendency. Based on its frequency, it's a lifestyle choice. No matter the occasion -- kidnapping his ex-partner's daughter, negotiating ransom, fighting in a bunker basement -- Bennett is always donning a nice vest of chainmail. 

You'd think such a supposedly genius ex-military man would have progressed a little beyond 15th century means of defense, but I guess that's why Bennett ultimately loses: he's not thinking ahead. If he was, he might have seen that whole pipe-in-the-gut thing coming, for one. Regardless though, you gotta respect his commitment. My only wish is that a deleted scene of Bennett at a gala would surface, so we could bask in the glory of a tux-and-chainmail ensemble. 

Most Over-the-Top Acting: Deborah Reed, Troll 2

Strangely, this one's a no-brainer. Deborah Reed from Troll 2 reaches levels of hammy atrocity that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Elizabeth Berkeley can only dream of. And best of all, we are treated to two versions of her creepy, crazy, lime-green-sludge-of-death-concocting character. There's the classic old hag who horny teen boys would obviously accept questionable refreshments from, and the young seductress who horny teen boys would obviously have popcorn sex with. You heard me: the movie's big erotic scene is just so hot that it turns an ear of corn into a movie theater snack. Please don't ask -- trying to logically explain Troll 2 would be the same as trying to theorize why Hilary Duff is allowed to fucking desecrate Bonnie & Clyde. It's best for our sanity to just drop the questions, or give Faye Dunaway a much-deserved high-five.

Oh and if nothing else, please please please watch the last 20 seconds. Reed is nowhere to be seen, but it features bar none the best line delivery of all time.

Best Fight: Jesus Christ vs. The Atheists, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

This is real life, I swear. Someone made a movie called Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter in which Jesus's big fight is not with the lesbian-killing vampires but a pissy band of atheists. (He doesn't know them because they've "never talked to him before.") After the two solemn, vaguely gothic atheist leaders introduce themselves, a never-ending arsenal of fighters emerges from their damned-to-hell clown car. Jesus defeats them through an impressive variation of pulling shirts over heads, judo chops, ducks and even knocking out an enemy with her own shoe. He also uses sly diversion tactics such as waving his fingers in his opponent's face. This gem of a fight scene is rounded out with the cheesy sound effects, even cheesier music and not-at-all concealed blocking. 

Most Absurd Storyline: Kel & Kenan Trapped in an Asylum with Groovy Mental Patients, Good Burger

Contrasted with some other scenes from the competition, this seems pretty weak. Nomi having an epileptic orgasm in a pool with Hairpiece, John Matrix killing 81 people, Jesus Christ fighting vampires with Mary Magnum and Sancho the Mexican wrestler and every moment of Troll 2 kick the shit out of the following scene in terms of absurdity. But the reason I chose Good Burger is because, in the context of the movie, this makes absolutely no sense. They try to half-ass explain its existence by having Dexter develop a plan of escape from the asylum, but they could have done the escape five million other ways. The appearance of George Clinton, the choreographed dance and the One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest references are all extremely bizarre choices for this admittedly ridiculous movie. Consider the Good Burger audience, and then consider this: would any of them appreciate allusions to a 1975 movie about nonconformity, a funk legend older than their parents or a dance to said funk legend's music? "I'm a Dude," or some more basic Ed antics, seem like a much safer bet.

Besides, why are Ed and Dexter even in a mental hospital? I know Mondo Burger's all evil and powerful, but wouldn't Dexter's parents wonder where he is? Or perhaps his teacher, Sinbad?

Best Line: "You Can't Piss on Hospitality," Troll 2
This was by far the hardest round. So many classics. "I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes, I'm going to shoot you between the balls!" "I was born in a manger, doomed to live in danger." "I used to love Doggy Chow, too!" "Maybe I'm someone famous! Like a baseball player or a pretty nurse!" Yet none of them made me laugh as hard as the Troll 2 line, "You can't piss on hospitality; I won't allow it!"

We need some context here. So, Joshua, this little kid who talks to his dead Grandpa Seth and has an enormous fear of goblins thanks to terrifying bedtime stories by said grandpa, is stuck in Nilbog with his family. He knows something is up in this tiny town, but his oblivious parents and sister think it's quaint. When the family whose home they're renting leaves a suspiciously all-green meal for them, Joshua takes action. Grandpa Seth warns him in a vision that he has less than a minute to stop his family from eating the stuff, which will turn them into vegetables that the (vegetarian) goblins will eat. So he steps onto the table and unzips his fly. Cut to his angry father, pointing at their names hung on the bedroom doors and yelling, "Do you see this writing? Do you know what it means? Hospitality! And you can't piss on hospitality; I won't allow it!"

That's right, it's not just a figure of speech. Joshua took a literal piss on hospitality. I'll, however, allow it, because it gives us the great awfulness that is Troll 2.