Reality Bites

Just about any sane person with the slightest grasp of current events will tell you the world is going to hell.  Consider the facts: the U.S. economy is tanking, Tibet isn't free, the violence in Darfur continues and High School Musical 3 will arrive in mere months.  Pretty bleak, wouldn't you say?  But don't despair, for I have arrived at the long elusive solution to this huge mess.  It's pretty simple, really: we just need to start living in movies.

Lest you doubt the validity of my completely plausible plan, I've compiled a list of 10 reasons why the world would be a much better and brighter place if it were, in fact, a film...

1.  Gang violence would be all but eliminated thanks to the new method of "dancing it out" (complete with lots of snapping).

2.  Children could safely accept invitations to chocolate factories from grown men in purple coats and top hats.

3.  Debt?  No problem.  As long as you are a ridiculously nice person (or bear a striking resemblance to Jimmy Stewart), friends, neighbors and people you don't even know will spontaneously give you more than enough money to pay it off, on Christmas Eve.  And they'll sing!

4.  Evil would routinely get its ass kicked by Clint Eastwood, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone or some other old tough guy.  

• Corollary: College professors and archaeologists would gain some much needed street cred.  (Indiana Jones can and will throw your sorry ass into spinning airplane blades if you cross him.)

5.  Pigs and other animals would be able to talk and teach us valuable life lessons.

6.  All hot guys would be really sensitive, while all hot girls would be completely unaware of their good looks (and secretly very smart).

7.  Being late for anything would be impossible with our acquired bat capes, jet-propelled iron suits and web-slinging technology.

8.  Need advice?  Morgan Freeman can be found at your local jail or holding down a thankless job.  He knows everything.

9.  Certain life moments would be made all the more epic, scary or dramatic when scored by John Williams.

10.  Past mistakes could finally be rectified by non-linear story structures.  Just make sure you're in a Quentin Tarantino movie (in which case, you're going to have a whole lot of shit to straighten out anyway).

Hollywood's Best Kept Secret

I know that I often say things on this blog that are pretty debatable, so I thought I'd start off this post with something we can all agree on: Robert Downey, Jr. is the freakin' man.

Seriously, anyone who's seen Iron Man or Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (just watch it; you'll thank me later) knows this guy is one of the funniest, most charismatic actors out there, yet he still more than lives up to his job description. So just when I thought he couldn't be any more talented, he goes and proves me wrong. Thanks to some aimless youtube searching a few days ago, I came across a video of him recording a song. Apparently, he released an album called The Futurist in 2004! And let me tell you, he can sing.

It's absolutely criminal that more people don't know about his vocal skills, so I'm sharing the video here. Give it a listen, and don't be too startled by the man with multi-colored facial hair; there's an introduction with the producers and collaborators.



What did I tell you? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Downey were also a champion unicyclist.

Editor's Note: Apparently this video is gone. You can listen to the song here, or enjoy the great Bruce Springsteen cover he performed on Ally McBeal:

Book-to-Movie Casting Choices: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Adapting a film from a beloved book is tricky business. Filmmakers must meet impossibly high standards to satisfy fans: the story needs to do the novel justice without employing a ridiculous running time, the set and costumes need to be just as creative as the author's and audience's imaginations, the music must perfectly compliment the overall mood - the list is endless. Perhaps more important than anything else, though, is matching the characters with famous faces in the paramount (no pun intended) casting process. With that in mind, I thought I'd examine the casting choices on a few upcoming such movies (only from books I've read, to be fair) and weed out the smart calls from the doomed decisions.

The Good
I have to admit, I was pretty skeptical when I heard that Peter Jackson was directing the big-screen adaptation of Alice Sebold's The Lovely Bones. For the benefit of those unfamiliar with the book, the story is about a 14-year-old girl who watches her family unravel following her rape and murder. (I should probably mention that she's in the afterlife.) While the latter provides plenty of opportunities for Jackson's fantasy proclivities, the story is, at its heart, a quiet family drama miles away from the Lord of the Rings franchise. One look at the attached actors, however, dissolved my doubts. First and foremost, Saoirse Ronan (that brilliant - but in context, bitchy - little girl from Atonement) is set to play the tragic protagonist Susie Salmon. This choice makes me so happy, I don't even know what else to say, so I'll move right along.

Susie's parents, the broken-hearted yet vengeful Jack and ultimately adulterous Abigail, will be embodied by Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz. Weisz has proven herself a remarkable actress and thus gained the trust of many, but there's a lot of skepticism about Wahlberg and, really, it's somewhat justified. He is, after all, best known for playing macho badasses so his leap to a grieving father understandably has some fans worried. However, despite the type casting, Wahlberg is a pretty decent actor (he didn't get that Oscar nod for nothing, you know) who has been known to successfully step out of his comfort zone (in addition to Shooter and Four Brothers, films like I Heart Huckabees, The Basketball Diaries and Boogie Nights appear on his resume). This might be the Departed fanatic in me talking, but I say we give 'ol Marky Mark a chance.

Rounding out the Lovely Bones cast is Stanley Tucci, as the despicable child predator. He may be best known as Meryl Streep's sarcastic fashion assistant, but this guy has so much creep potential, it's not even funny.

My other pick for excellent casting isn't officially confirmed, but it's so perfect that I had to comment. After finally nailing down a director (no, it's not Jackson but rather Guillermo del Toro, of Pan's Labyrinth fame), The Hobbit has begun searching for its Bilbo Baggins, and early word says it might be none other than James McAvoy! If McAvoy's undeniable talent weren't enough to persuade you, consider this case-making evidence:

The Bad
The cast of The Secret Life of Bees has been causing quite a stir among fans of the Sue Monk Kidd novel. Alicia Keys as a somewhat frigid 60-something? Paul Bettany as an abusive southern father? Not your first guesses, I'm sure. But while choices like these can mostly be rectified by slight alterations (obviously, Keys's age will be downscaled while Bettany...is going to have to rely on his acting, it seems), the film has made a fatal flaw in the casting of its lead. Our 14-year-old heroine Lily Owens, who flees Bettany's character to find comfort (and background on her long-dead mother) with three black sisters in '60s South Carolina will be portrayed by...Dakota Fanning? Aside from the fact that physically, she looks nothing like Lily, there are two key issues with this decision. Although Fanning fits the age, for some reason she still looks like she's 12 years old. Given the fact that she's supposed to have a 16-year-old love interest, it's a bit problematic. Worse still, Fanning's unshakable reputation as the cute, precocious blond girl will be difficult to get past. Granted, I didn't see the super-controversial Hounddog, so maybe I'm being unfair, but a role like Lily Owens seems way out of her league and unlike Wahlberg, she hasn't really showcased a range as of yet. Who knows, she might prove me wrong, but I can't help feeling that they could've found a better choice, very easily.

The Ugly
Tom Hanks in Angels and Demons. Not the hair again, please, anything but the hair!

A Eulogy for the MTV Movie Awards

It's pretty hard to describe the atrocity that was the 2008 MTV Movie Awards.  So much of it was awkward, unfunny, and/or in poor taste that it's really difficult to conclusively pinpoint what went wrong. 

I'll give it a try.

Before I get into this analysis, let me provide a bit of a disclaimer: I fully acknowledge that this award show is not something to be taken seriously.  The best movies and actors from that year never win; someone like Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't stand a chance in hell against Johnny Depp and Shia LaBeouf.  Honestly, these latter teen favorites could star in a two-minute movie of themselves singing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" and still triumph.  Yet there was a time when you could at least have fun watching them pass out the golden popcorn.  Sadly, it seems even the entertainment aspect of the show has finally gasped its last breath.

The first indication of this tragic truth came in the choice of Mike Myers as the host.  If there was any doubt that he has completely lost his comedic touch, that was laid to rest during his excruciating hosting gig.  When not shamelessly promoting The Love Guru, he managed to make nearly every introduction uncomfortably unfunny and sucked any bit of hilarity out of his pre-filmed shorts (which were not, in one more sign of grave error, the trademark movie parodies that used to provide most of the show's comedy but spotlights on behind-the-scenes players of Myers' own design).  Even the surprise return of his beloved Wayne's World skit (Dana Carvey was resurrected for the bit) wasn't what it should have been.  Myers inexplicably rushed through the sketch, clumsily throwing in recycled material along the way.  If the man can't even play Wayne Campbell, the character that got him started, anymore, clearly his time is over.

The show's next terrible mistake was an appallingly poorly executed introduction to the Best Summer Movie So Far award.  James Franco and Seth Rogen were the presenters and, to promote their stoner caper Pineapple Express, proceeded to pull out a bag of fake weed, which they then "smoked."  Normally, this would have been at least somewhat amusing, but to appease the FCC the cameras pulled back into the farthest audience ranks, prompting many (myself included) to wonder why they even planned this bit.  However, it became downright distasteful when the camera went to Robert Downey, Jr. for a reaction shot.  The poor guy registered profound confusion at this spotlight and, worse still, had to go accept the award with Jon Favreau for Iron Man shortly thereafter.  Was it really necessary to take a potshot at such a genuinely talented actor who has finally overcome his struggle with substance abuse?  C'mon, MTV, you've got to have a little more class than that.  

Downey was, however, one of the show's few bright spots.  When not gracefully handling that disgusting druggie joke, he managed to be absolutely hilarious in a "viral video" with his Tropic Thunder co-stars Ben Stiller and Jack Black.  Here, MTV finally exhibited some exceptional parodying of the trio that was, though gutsy, not offensive.  You can check it out for yourself here:

Jack Black, Ben Stiller & Robert Downey, Jr. at 2008 MTV Movie Awards from Robert Downey Jr

Other moments of note, due to sheer awfulness: Best Kiss goes to Step Up 2 the Streets and Best Fight goes to Never Back Down.  I was unaware that anyone had even seen these movies.  I guess you should never underestimate the power of one devoted fan, when given unlimited voting.  Maybe that's why Superbad left with absolutely nothing.  I mean, seriously?  Its leads lose Best Male Performance to Will Smith in I Am Legend??  It loses Best Movie to Transformers???  The latter just proves what I have long suspected: Michael Bay is the Antichrist.

All snide remarks aside, it's sad to see an awards show that was once genuinely entertaining (a true rarity) slip into such decline.  I may not be speaking for everyone here, but I used to look forward to the MTV Movie Awards, back when the show's best parody actually used to be a source of debate.  Now, however, we have a show that is neither funny nor credible, but rather a horrible trainwreck that has become meaningless to the fans it supposedly represents. 

Navigating the Future Careers of the Stars of "Lost"

Lost is a subject that's been on my mind a lot recently.  I mean, how could it not be when the finale had the island literally moving, a rather important character in a coffin, and Christian Shepherd making more cryptic visits (seriously, for being dead since the show's beginning, this guy is getting an awful lot of screen time).  I had started wondering about the direction the show would take in its last two seasons, and then an entirely different thought struck me: which of our favorite cast members are actually going to achieve post-Lost stardom and which are going to disappear abruptly like those worthless diversions Nikki and Paulo?

Okay, okay.  I know that I set out to make a blog about movies, and probably look like a bit of a hypocrite sitting here writing about Lost (because it's obviously not discussed enough).  But what I'm interested in is the movie star potential of its cast and really, how can you talk movies without talking actors?

So let's begin the discussion with the cast member who has the least Hollywood potential: Matthew Fox.  It doesn't make sense at first glance, I know.  Despite the praise for Lost's strong ensemble, the guy is basically its star and looks-wise, he's the perfect leading man.  His recent attempts at the silver screen, however, would suggest otherwise.  While co-starring with Matthew McConaughey in the 2006 sports movie We Are Marshall seemed like a small, but safe, step in the right direction, he followed it with two of 2008's biggest bombs: Vantage Point (did I mention his horrendous Spanish accent?) and Speed Racer.  With those crushing disappointments and no other films lined up at present time, it would seem that Knocked Up was right; there really isn't anything interesting (or bankable) about Matthew Fox.

However, there is something very bankable about Jack's half-sister Claire, known in the real world as Emilie de Ravin.  She is probably the Lost cast member that I see having the best shot at celebrity, largely because she knows how to balance commercially and critically successful projects.  She made her film debut in the terrific 2005 indie film noir Brick (also starring the wonderful Joseph Gordon-Levitt) but then took a role in the 2006 horror flick The Hills Have Eyes, which pulled in a respectable $41.7 million.  Since then she's slowed down, but in 2009 she'll appear with critic (and audience) darlings Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in the Michael Mann crime drama Public Enemies.  So yeah, I think she'll be just fine.

Fittingly, Ms. de Ravin's ill-fated onscreen romantic interest Dominic Monaghan also shows great promise.  The fact that Monaghan already had a bit of a name from that little Lord of the Rings trilogy prior to Lost might have something to do with it, but regardless I think Charlie fans can expect some significant movie roles from him in the future.  His success, admittedly, is a little less certain than de Ravin's since he hasn't appeared in a wide-release (or especially well-noted) movie since LOTR, but he does currently have three films in the works, one of which is X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  So while I may be partial to him since Charlie was always my favorite and he may need a little more time before he makes the A- or more likely B-list, I can't help thinking we'll be seeing much more of our dearly departed Dominic.

Now there are some Losties that I see having long careers, but as slightly obscure actors, not stars.  Naveen Andrews (aka resident torture specialist Sayid) is probably the best example.  Like Monaghan, he already had a decent resume (including a part in the nine-time Oscar winner The English Patient) before joining ABC's smash series and, like de Ravin, he continued to take some career-savvy projects in his spare time.  First came the 2004 Bollywood-style Jane Austen adaptation Bride and Prejudice, followed by the critically acclaimed 2007 B-movie homage Grindhouse (specifically the Robert Rodriguez half, Planet Terror) and Jodie Foster film The Brave One (also 2007).  Presently, he just wrapped a horror movie called Animals and, considering his Oceanic Six status, probably has at least another season of Lost.  Although, knowing the show, Andrews might be churning out some post-Lost projects sooner than we think.

As for the rest of the cast, I feel that they have yet to prove the viability of their careers one way or another.  I mean, Evangeline Lilly (Kate) could definitely be big, or screw her chances with a few bad choices, like Matthew Fox.  Daniel Dae Kim (Jin) could easily fade into obscurity, but he did have that spot on the mini-series The Andromeda Strain recently.  Who knows?  One thing, however, is certain: these actors, like their crazy show, just love to keep us guessing.