Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: John Cusack

Before I get to the second installment of "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally," I thought I'd mention a few things. First: the Emmy people actually (sorta) listened to me! I was happy enough that Elisabeth Moss, Jane Krakowski and -- although they weren't on my official list -- Tracy Morgan and Jack MacBrayer made it. But the Emmy people didn't stop there. Jon Hamm got not one, but two Emmy nods! I guess the voters loved his turn as the too-pretty-for-his-own-good Dr. Drew Baird just as much as I did. If only he could have been nominated for his completely deserving SNL hosting gig, too. Then again, three occasions to see his way too handsome face on the five-way-split screen? He might have caused another plane crash.

As much as I enjoyed those Emmy choices, there was one glaring error that has not stopped bothering me. How the hell did Jemaine Clement get a nod for Flight of the Conchords while his partner in crime Bret McKenzie got nothing? As Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler would say...really? You finally decide to nominate Flight of the Conchords, after a significantly weaker season, but you can only spare one nod for lead actor? Charlie Sheen and Tony Shaloub made the cut again, but Bret couldn't? Are you trying to make this lovable duo hate each other? If you make Bret cry (and it hasn't just been raining on his face), I swear to god, I will sick Albi the Racist Dragon and a pack of epileptic dogs on your sorry ass.

Anyway, back to someone who needs a little more attention: John Cusack. The man whom Chuck Klosterman claims any woman born between the years of 1965 and 1978 would "sell her soul to share a milkshake with" has been suffering a pretty lackluster career lately. His last string of movies -- including The Contract, Igor, Martian Child, Grace Is Gone and War, Inc. -- all bombed or disappointed. His next big movie is the disaster epic 2012, which looks pretty craptastic. The last genuinely amazing movie of his I've seen was back in 2000 (though 2003's Identity was enjoyable) and the last movie of his that people truly cared about was in 2001. What happened to the former '80s heartthrob turned interesting and/or charming leading man?

Truth be told, John Cusack has always been a little hit or miss when it comes to his script choices. Looking at his IMDB filmography, there's a startling mixture of movies I liked or at least recognize (High Fidelity, Being John Malkovich, Grosse Point Blank, etc.) and movies even the Internet has largely forgotten (I'm unconvinced that This Is My Father and The Jack Bull are actual movies). I guess Cusack's precarious track record was finally compromised. Mid-life crisis? Bad agent? Who knows, but he needs to fix it.

Luckily, this is one "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally" that has a (likely) happy ending. And it's all thanks to four magical words: Hot Tub Time Machine. I'm not talking about my ideal mode of time travel transportation -- I'm talking about a movie. A 100% real movie, starring John Cusack, called Hot Tub Time Machine. Now, instinct tells me that this will be the greatest movie ever made, but reason (that dumb whore) tells me that this could end up being a moronic bore rather than campy excellence. So I'm not going to close Cusack's file just yet, but he's one of the few "ATNTBSFTP" cases I'm optimistic about.

Besides, even if Hot Tub Time Machine ends up bombing, it's nice to see John Cusack returning to his '80s roots. I said it once and I'll say it again: whoever says Say Anything... is Cusack's best '80s movie has clearly never seen Better Off Dead. For evidence, see below.