Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: John Cusack

Before I get to the second installment of "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally," I thought I'd mention a few things. First: the Emmy people actually (sorta) listened to me! I was happy enough that Elisabeth Moss, Jane Krakowski and -- although they weren't on my official list -- Tracy Morgan and Jack MacBrayer made it. But the Emmy people didn't stop there. Jon Hamm got not one, but two Emmy nods! I guess the voters loved his turn as the too-pretty-for-his-own-good Dr. Drew Baird just as much as I did. If only he could have been nominated for his completely deserving SNL hosting gig, too. Then again, three occasions to see his way too handsome face on the five-way-split screen? He might have caused another plane crash.

As much as I enjoyed those Emmy choices, there was one glaring error that has not stopped bothering me. How the hell did Jemaine Clement get a nod for Flight of the Conchords while his partner in crime Bret McKenzie got nothing? As Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler would say...really? You finally decide to nominate Flight of the Conchords, after a significantly weaker season, but you can only spare one nod for lead actor? Charlie Sheen and Tony Shaloub made the cut again, but Bret couldn't? Are you trying to make this lovable duo hate each other? If you make Bret cry (and it hasn't just been raining on his face), I swear to god, I will sick Albi the Racist Dragon and a pack of epileptic dogs on your sorry ass.

Anyway, back to someone who needs a little more attention: John Cusack. The man whom Chuck Klosterman claims any woman born between the years of 1965 and 1978 would "sell her soul to share a milkshake with" has been suffering a pretty lackluster career lately. His last string of movies -- including The Contract, Igor, Martian Child, Grace Is Gone and War, Inc. -- all bombed or disappointed. His next big movie is the disaster epic 2012, which looks pretty craptastic. The last genuinely amazing movie of his I've seen was back in 2000 (though 2003's Identity was enjoyable) and the last movie of his that people truly cared about was in 2001. What happened to the former '80s heartthrob turned interesting and/or charming leading man?

Truth be told, John Cusack has always been a little hit or miss when it comes to his script choices. Looking at his IMDB filmography, there's a startling mixture of movies I liked or at least recognize (High Fidelity, Being John Malkovich, Grosse Point Blank, etc.) and movies even the Internet has largely forgotten (I'm unconvinced that This Is My Father and The Jack Bull are actual movies). I guess Cusack's precarious track record was finally compromised. Mid-life crisis? Bad agent? Who knows, but he needs to fix it.

Luckily, this is one "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally" that has a (likely) happy ending. And it's all thanks to four magical words: Hot Tub Time Machine. I'm not talking about my ideal mode of time travel transportation -- I'm talking about a movie. A 100% real movie, starring John Cusack, called Hot Tub Time Machine. Now, instinct tells me that this will be the greatest movie ever made, but reason (that dumb whore) tells me that this could end up being a moronic bore rather than campy excellence. So I'm not going to close Cusack's file just yet, but he's one of the few "ATNTBSFTP" cases I'm optimistic about.

Besides, even if Hot Tub Time Machine ends up bombing, it's nice to see John Cusack returning to his '80s roots. I said it once and I'll say it again: whoever says Say Anything... is Cusack's best '80s movie has clearly never seen Better Off Dead. For evidence, see below.

The Emmy Ballot of Champions, Part 2

Since the actual Emmy nominations come out in, oh, two days, I thought I should finally get around to that part two I promised so long ago. The reason I put it off so long was that I realized something quickly after starting it: I have no clue what I'm talking about. Supporting actors are easier because there are lots of shows with strong ensembles or that you mainly watch for one actor (like NPH -- the 09 Emmy host! Someone finally listened to me). But lead actors are harder. I mean, honestly, does anyone watch one of the female-centric comedies not starring Tina Fey?

Some of these choices are subsequently going to be a little ridiculous and desperate, but I do have one or two pet causes that need to be represented. So let's get down to it.

BEST LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Jon Hamm - Mad Men

Did you really expect me to ignore Jon Hamm after my already shameless display of Mad Men love? (Don't worry, there's still more coming.) As usual, Don Draper continued to blow me away anytime he said anything, and puzzle me to no end. The awesome thing about this character is that you can think he's a loathsome womanizer -- and he is -- but you can also find yourself doing fist pumps when he says things like, "I don't have a contact" (just typing it gets me excited). The California stuff this past season could have easily gone awry, but Hamm predictably made it bizarrely fascinating. Damn him and his lethal combination of genuine talent, good looks and - gasp! - a sense of humor.

Bryan Cranston - Breaking Bad

This is one of those cop-out choices I mentioned. I've only seen the first three episodes of Breaking Bad, so I'm in absolutely no position to campaign for Cranston. But I liked those episodes, and have an undying loyalty towards AMC for airing Mad Men and movies like Commando, so why not? His cancer clearly progressed this season, so there was probably some dramatic stuff going down, which I'd imagine he handled well. I'll get back to you next month, when I swear I'm going to catch up with this show. (Along with about five others. Oy vey.)

BEST LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

January Jones - Mad Men

Okay, this really is it. John Slattery isn't going to pop up unexpectedly, I swear. As much as I truly believe that Hamm, Hendricks and Moss deserve nods, this was an incredible season for Jones. MM creator Matthew Weiner (that brilliant, brilliant man) said it best: where season one Betty was a docile child, season two Betty was a rebellious teenager. Don's infidelity, boozing and overall neglect finally got to her and we got some pretty surprising moments from suburbia's Grace Kelly. Like, for instance, the scene following this screenshot. As the Ashleys from Recess would say: scandalous!

Glenn Close - Damages

I have not seen a single episode of Damages. Not even a minute of one. But Glenn Close is awesome, and somehow did not get an Oscar for Dangerous Liaisons. Hence, she is included.

So...how about that bunny scene in Fatal Attraction? Pretty freaky, huh? Michael Douglas is kind of a jerk in that movie, though. Everyone seems to forget that since she's so batshit crazy. What do you think that says about --

Oh thank god. I've filled up enough space to stop babbling.

BEST LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Steve Carell - The Office

This man does not have an Emmy. To borrow a phrase from Gay Perry, how in pluperfect hell is that possible? Though the last two seasons of The Office have been questionable, Steve Carell has never once slipped. He continues to deliver as Michael Scott, whose unbelievable social ineptitude is matched only by his surprising humanity. Michael is probably the toughest character to play not only on The Office but most current sitcoms, yet the Emmys have overlooked Carell's genius in favor of Ricky Gervais and Alec Baldwin. I won't argue that Gervais isn't also astoundingly uncomfortable in Extras, but I'm pretty freakin' sick of the fawning over Baldwin. He's good on 30 Rock, but honestly, he's not a god. Steve Carell, on the other hand, just might be.

Lee Pace - Pushing Daisies

Oh, Lee Pace. What am I going to do without you? While the Pushing Daisies supporting cast is hilarious (see part 1), you stand for everything that is adorable, endearing and sweet about the show. There's no way to make this not sound cheesy, so I'm just going for it: you are its heart. And I love you for that, as well as so many other things. Including but not limited to that time you dressed as a cowboy.

Zach Braff - Scrubs

After the travesty that was season seven of Scrubs, I was relieved that they got another shot to end things right. Still, I was skeptical that the show could regain the greatness that has made its reruns a staple of Comedy Central. But boy did it ever. The season ender (which is the last episode of the show for me) was perfection. And while we have to thank Sarah Chalke, Donald Faison, Judy Reyes, John C. McGinley, Neil Flynn, Ken Jenkins and Bill Lawrence (whew!) for that, Zach Braff is and always has been the show's strongest player. His willingness to be the butt of every joke and complete abandon when it comes to JD's fantasies make him one of sitcoms' most likeable stars. It's kinda ridiculous that he's only been nominated once for this show. Emmy people, fix that. It's the only way we'll get him to keep doing comedy and stop doing Garden State offshoots. You won't like him when he's indie.

BEST LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Tina Fey - 30 Rock

I'm not even going to put another BS candidate in here to beef up the category. This is Tina Fey's slot, and it's just plain silly to argue with her over it. Besides, how can you begrudge her a nod? She gave us so much -- Liz's sex line commercial, an inspired Muppet impression and the return of jury duty-evading Princess Leia. On top of that, she brought Jon Hamm on for a three episode arc. As you can imagine, my poor brain is still recovering from the levels of awesomeness in those installments, especially those in "The Bubble."