Counting Down to the London Film Festival

I have very exciting news from across the pond.  In just 13 days, the London Film Festival arrives. 

Basically this is me right now:

But you might be thinking, "London Film Festival? I've heard of Cannes and Venice, but London has one too?" While not nearly as internationally prestigious as France and Italy's annual fests, the London Film Festival is making up for its microscopic reputation with a shitload of awesome-looking movies. All of which are playing mere minutes from my flat.

So what exactly is playing/who exactly will I be stalking on the red carpet? I'm glad you asked. Here's a rundown of the movies and stars hitting London in a fortnight (minus one day)....

FANTASTIC MR. FOX

The Movie: 

Based on Roald Dahl's book and directed by quirkfest Wes Anderson, Fantastic Mr. Fox is about a war between farmers and a family of foxes. The trailer weirdly has a heist movie vibe to it, and the voices behind these adorable animated characters are pretty damn impressive.

The Stars:

Like I said, impressive. George "I make men, women and children worldwide swoon" Clooney. Meryl "15 Oscar nods" Streep. Bill "I'm in every Wes Anderson movie ever" Murray. Owen "I'm also in pretty much every Wes Anderson movie ever" Wilson. Adrien "hey guys I won an Oscar and kissed Halle Berry" Brody. And some other people I couldn't think of stupid, cutesy nicknames for.

The Trailer:

THE BOYS ARE BACK

The Movie: 

A sports writer must raise his two boys alone when his wife passes away. He adopts the child-rearing philosophy of "just say yes," with allegedly hilarious and heartwarming consequences.

The Stars:

Clive Owen. Yes, that suave as hell Brit is in this movie. Now you understand why I'm stalking the premiere.

The Trailer:

BRIGHT STAR

The Movie:

The requisite fall period piece about poet John Keats and his romance with Fanny Brawne. 

The Stars:

Up-and-comer Abbie Cornish plays Fanny, while the too cute Ben Whishaw takes on Keats. You may recognize him as one of the Dylans in I'm Not There or as the teddy bear-toting Sebastian in Brideshead Revisited. Paul Schneider of the prestigious "Drunk History" series, has a supporting role.

The Trailer:

AN EDUCATION

The Movie:

Coming-of-age tale about a '60s teen whose relationship with a much older man gives her an unconventional "education." (You see what I did there? "Education"...like the movie's title! I'm a genius.) 

The Stars:

It may have received rave reviews, but don't expect a lot of star power. The lead girl is a relative unknown while the leading man, Peter Sarsgaard, is probably best known as Mr. Maggie Gyllenhaal. However, look out for Alfred Molina and Emma Thompson as Jack and "Headmistress," respectively.

The Trailer:

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

The Movie: A reporter investigating a secret government program meets a former psychic spy (or "Jedi warrior") and the two get into all sorts of wartime hijinks.

The Stars: Ewan McGregor plays the American journalist, while George Clooney makes his second London Film Festival appearance as the paranormal spy. Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges are also in the movie, as military men.

The Trailer:

UP IN THE AIR

The Movie: All I got from the trailer was that there's this guy who flies around a lot, and some relationships happen, so I turned to the imdb plot synopsis: Ryan Bingham is a corporate downsizing expert whose cherished life on the road is threatened just as he is on the cusp of reaching ten million frequent flier miles and just after he's met the frequent-traveler woman of his dreams. 

The Stars: Though one isn't actually a star, this movie has a double heaping of awesome people named Jason: director Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking, Juno) and supporting actor Jason Bateman. There's also Vera Farmiga (a.k.a. the slutty shrink from The Departed), J.K. Simmons, Zach Galifianakis and Danny McBride. And, once again (with feeling), George Clooney.

The Trailer:

Atom Egoyan's new movie, Chloe, may make it onto my roster, but there's currently no trailer. There's also the new Coen brothers' movie, A Serious Man, and the long-anticipated Viggo Mortensen headliner The Road, but those bastards are dead to me, as they've already sold out. I probably wouldn't have been able to see them anyway, but it's the principle of the thing.

As of today, I will, however be seeing both Bright Star and Up in the Air! Not at the premieres, mind you (though I will be attending the red carpet to scream in Ben Whishaw and Jason Bateman's faces). I'm going the week after, to cheap matinee shows. Still! I'm officially attending two film festival events. So. Freakin. Exciting.

Never Trust a Ho (Named Rotten Tomatoes)

Any movie fanatic is bound to run into the review site Rotten Tomatoes once in a while. It's a great concept; the site compiles all the reviews of a movie, averaging them into a score which is either "rotten" or "fresh," and thereby helping us decide whether to pay $10 for that new movie we're iffy about. Its UK site also has a cute little modified logo:

Thing is, Rotten Tomatoes has always made me uneasy. The first strike against it is its design. I know that's a superficial complaint, but it feels very jumbled to me, and bad layouts greatly influence my opinion. But more than that, Rotten Tomatoes' unweighted system really bothers me. I mean, it's great that bloggers like me can get their voices out there, but ultimately I don't care what they have to say. People go to authorities for reviews, and the fact that Peter Travers and A.O. Scott are on equal footing with Billy of Billy's Movie Blog (exaggeration, but still) doesn't seem right. There may be a top critics tab, but it's the main merged score that's always quoted.

Today, I've found a whole new reason to stick to metacritic.com. One of imdb's daily links took me to Rotten Tomatoes' worst reviewed movies of the past ten years, which in turn took me to their best reviewed movies of all time. It was already strange that the worst of the last decade got 100 spots while the best ever only got 50, but I had to read it.

Though some of the classic examples weren't cropping up, the movies that made the cut seemed pretty plausible. Then I got to number 34.

Um, really? Risky Business is the number 34 best reviewed movie of all time? Even with Rotten Tomatoes' idiotic criteria of at least 20 reviews, I just can't accept this. People may parody and reference Tom Cruise's no-pants dance party incessantly, but gosh, I have never heard anyone call it "critically acclaimed." 

This Risky Business debacle gets even more ridiculous when you consider some of the movies left off the list: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Raging Bull, Lawrence of Arabia and even motherfuckin' Casablanca. RT is supposedly just reporting the facts, but someone there must have a strange vendetta against a lot of good movies, because there is no conceivable world in which Casablanca is not one of the top 10, much less top 50, best reviewed movies of all time. 

Oh and the number one best reviewed movie of all time, according to Rotten Tomatoes?

God, who constitutes "critics" in this list? The site founders and their families? Bitter Casablanca haters? The clinically insane?

It's situations like these where I just don't know what to say. This list is utter bullshit yet it is presented as fact. You can't argue with us, RT says, because we're only presenting data. Well I certainly won't be making the mistake of turning to them for anything factual ever again.

The Best Worst Movie Championships

I got some flack recently for not writing about Troll 2, one of the many contenders for the worst movie of all time and one of my later summer viewings. As I thought about it, I realized that I've actually seen quite a few over-the-top, terrible movies in the past two years. And thus, I decided to make a best worst movie smackdown. I've created seven categories, and have five worthy contenders. In one corner, we have Showgirls, the Paul Verhoeven-directed mess which destroyed Elizabeth Berkeley's career and vigorously straddled (ha) the line between porn and actual cinema. In the next corner, we have Commando, an '80s Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick full of post-kill puns, ridiculous feats of strength and -- strangely -- father-daughter love. In the third corner, we have Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, which is exactly what it sounds like. In the fourth corner, we have Good Burger, the spin-off of Nickelodeon's "All That" sketch featuring the Laurel and Hardy of the '90s, Kenan and Kel. And in the fifth (why not?) corner, we have Troll 2, a horribly produced and horribly acted horror movie that isn't actually scary and doesn't include a single troll.

The bells are sounding. It's time to start the match...

Best Theme Song: "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight," Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

This one was actually a little harder than it might seem. First there's the awesomely '80s Commando song, "We Fight for Love," which gets me just as psyched as watching John Matrix throw telephone booths and share ice cream with his daughter. And "I'm a Dude" from Good Burger? Understated brilliance. "I'm a dude/he's a dude/she's a dude/we're all dudes -- hey!" is all you really need. (Let's not even get started on the interesting gender commentary Kel Mitchell was clearly going for here.) But in the end, you just can't beat "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight." Not only is it a ridiculous title, made even more ridiculous by the drawn out "laaaaaaaid," the lyrics are just too hilarious. We all know that Jesus "came from heaven," but even after years of Catholic school I somehow missed the "two stakes in his hand" and "to smote the vampires" parts. You must be intrigued by this point, so I'll leave you to the music video, surprisingly not by Journey, below.

Worst Hair: Kyle MacLachlan, Showgirls

The first and only time I watched Showgirls was actually for a college intro to film class. My fantastic professor decided to turn it into a Rocky Horror Picture Show-esque screening, giving us props and response commands. While my favorite was yelling, "It's Versace, bitch!" whenever Nomi mispronounced the designer name, my close second was screaming, "Hairpiece!" every single time Kyle MacLachlan appeared on screen.

I can accept that Nomi and Crystal enjoy dog food, or that Nomi truly sees topless lap dances as an art, but what I refuse to buy is that multiple women want to screw a guy with that rug. It's just so goddamn awful. Paul Verhoeven, I know you were probably more concerned with finding new and exciting ways to film as many naked women as possible, but couldn't you have have sprung for a decent hair stylist? Or just some hair gel? Or a comb? Or a mirror? 

Best Character Quirk: Bennett Wears Chainmail, Commando

I may love Nomi's unnecessary violence, John Matrix's puns and the fact that Ed enjoys milkshake jacuzzis, but the best quirk has to be the never-explained tendency of Commando's backstabbing Bennett to wear chainmail. Actually, it's more than a tendency. Based on its frequency, it's a lifestyle choice. No matter the occasion -- kidnapping his ex-partner's daughter, negotiating ransom, fighting in a bunker basement -- Bennett is always donning a nice vest of chainmail. 

You'd think such a supposedly genius ex-military man would have progressed a little beyond 15th century means of defense, but I guess that's why Bennett ultimately loses: he's not thinking ahead. If he was, he might have seen that whole pipe-in-the-gut thing coming, for one. Regardless though, you gotta respect his commitment. My only wish is that a deleted scene of Bennett at a gala would surface, so we could bask in the glory of a tux-and-chainmail ensemble. 

Most Over-the-Top Acting: Deborah Reed, Troll 2

Strangely, this one's a no-brainer. Deborah Reed from Troll 2 reaches levels of hammy atrocity that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Elizabeth Berkeley can only dream of. And best of all, we are treated to two versions of her creepy, crazy, lime-green-sludge-of-death-concocting character. There's the classic old hag who horny teen boys would obviously accept questionable refreshments from, and the young seductress who horny teen boys would obviously have popcorn sex with. You heard me: the movie's big erotic scene is just so hot that it turns an ear of corn into a movie theater snack. Please don't ask -- trying to logically explain Troll 2 would be the same as trying to theorize why Hilary Duff is allowed to fucking desecrate Bonnie & Clyde. It's best for our sanity to just drop the questions, or give Faye Dunaway a much-deserved high-five.

Oh and if nothing else, please please please watch the last 20 seconds. Reed is nowhere to be seen, but it features bar none the best line delivery of all time.

Best Fight: Jesus Christ vs. The Atheists, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

This is real life, I swear. Someone made a movie called Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter in which Jesus's big fight is not with the lesbian-killing vampires but a pissy band of atheists. (He doesn't know them because they've "never talked to him before.") After the two solemn, vaguely gothic atheist leaders introduce themselves, a never-ending arsenal of fighters emerges from their damned-to-hell clown car. Jesus defeats them through an impressive variation of pulling shirts over heads, judo chops, ducks and even knocking out an enemy with her own shoe. He also uses sly diversion tactics such as waving his fingers in his opponent's face. This gem of a fight scene is rounded out with the cheesy sound effects, even cheesier music and not-at-all concealed blocking. 

Most Absurd Storyline: Kel & Kenan Trapped in an Asylum with Groovy Mental Patients, Good Burger

Contrasted with some other scenes from the competition, this seems pretty weak. Nomi having an epileptic orgasm in a pool with Hairpiece, John Matrix killing 81 people, Jesus Christ fighting vampires with Mary Magnum and Sancho the Mexican wrestler and every moment of Troll 2 kick the shit out of the following scene in terms of absurdity. But the reason I chose Good Burger is because, in the context of the movie, this makes absolutely no sense. They try to half-ass explain its existence by having Dexter develop a plan of escape from the asylum, but they could have done the escape five million other ways. The appearance of George Clinton, the choreographed dance and the One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest references are all extremely bizarre choices for this admittedly ridiculous movie. Consider the Good Burger audience, and then consider this: would any of them appreciate allusions to a 1975 movie about nonconformity, a funk legend older than their parents or a dance to said funk legend's music? "I'm a Dude," or some more basic Ed antics, seem like a much safer bet.

Besides, why are Ed and Dexter even in a mental hospital? I know Mondo Burger's all evil and powerful, but wouldn't Dexter's parents wonder where he is? Or perhaps his teacher, Sinbad?

Best Line: "You Can't Piss on Hospitality," Troll 2
This was by far the hardest round. So many classics. "I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes, I'm going to shoot you between the balls!" "I was born in a manger, doomed to live in danger." "I used to love Doggy Chow, too!" "Maybe I'm someone famous! Like a baseball player or a pretty nurse!" Yet none of them made me laugh as hard as the Troll 2 line, "You can't piss on hospitality; I won't allow it!"

We need some context here. So, Joshua, this little kid who talks to his dead Grandpa Seth and has an enormous fear of goblins thanks to terrifying bedtime stories by said grandpa, is stuck in Nilbog with his family. He knows something is up in this tiny town, but his oblivious parents and sister think it's quaint. When the family whose home they're renting leaves a suspiciously all-green meal for them, Joshua takes action. Grandpa Seth warns him in a vision that he has less than a minute to stop his family from eating the stuff, which will turn them into vegetables that the (vegetarian) goblins will eat. So he steps onto the table and unzips his fly. Cut to his angry father, pointing at their names hung on the bedroom doors and yelling, "Do you see this writing? Do you know what it means? Hospitality! And you can't piss on hospitality; I won't allow it!"

That's right, it's not just a figure of speech. Joshua took a literal piss on hospitality. I'll, however, allow it, because it gives us the great awfulness that is Troll 2.

KMDB Goes Abroad!

That's right, folks. This show is hitting the road. I'll be in London until December 17th, marveling at British accents and maybe taking a class or two. Don't worry, one of those classes is British Film, so you can still expect some wildly infrequent posts. I also joined the school film club and my phone network offers half-price movie tickets every week. So don't freak out. Take a deep breath, drink a glass of water, lie down if you have to...I'm not leaving you, I promise.

And I already know the first movie I'll be using my phone rewards on: Dorian Gray. There have been ads for it on every third bus that passes me, and the poster alone had me sold. 

But then I watched the trailer, and it's turned me into a raving lunatic. Whoever is walking with me immediately laughs whenever the 55th bus bearing this poster drives by, because I'm bound to yell, "It's haunting me! Dorian Gray is haunting me!" And it is.

Basically, Wednesday can't get here soon enough.

That Thing You Do!: More Evidence That '90s Tom Hanks Kicks Present-Day Tom Hanks' Ass

Last night I watched Tom Hanks' directorial debut film, That Thing You Do!, and oh boy was it adorable. The movie is the comedic story of '60s teen sensations The Wonders/Oneders, a band from Erie, PA consisting of Jimmy, Guy, Lenny and The Bass Player (he's never named). Lenny, a.k.a Steve Zahn, was definitely the most hilarious. His best quote is as follows: "Are you crazy? A man in a really nice camper wants to put our song on the radio! Gimme a pen, I'm signin'! You're signin'! We're all signin'!" The Bass Player disappearing in Disneyland with some Marines was also funny, and Tom Everett Scott was too cute. But above all else, the music was unbelievably catchy. "That Thing You Do!" has not left my head once since 9 p.m. last night. I even caught myself singing it to my dog earlier today. Clearly, things are getting out of hand.

Approach its music video, embedded below, with caution. If you haven't already heard it, it's going to be stuck in your head. And you're going to wish you were a '60s teen who would look normal dancing to this song rather than a sad sack living in 2009 who can't express her love for it without a weird look or two (dozen). Just warning you....

Right now, The Wonders are ranking up with the musicians from Once and The Blues Brothers as my favorite made-up movie bands (thought I realize The Blues Brothers are technically a made-up TV band). And they're also kicking my Mad Men-magnified '60s nostalgia up another level. It sounds like a great era to live in! Well, apart from the sexism, racism, assassinations, missile crises and general unrest. Let's focus on Guy "Shades" Patterson instead.

Summer 2009 Movie Wrap-Up

While a few stragglers like Taking Woodstock have yet to hit theaters, the 2009 summer movie season has essentially come to a close. That means it's time for some reflection on the summer that gave us battling robots, a poor man's When Harry Met Sally reenactment, the first universally acclaimed Iraq war movie and the return of the boy who lived.

Looking at the line-up back in May, I was struck by how few superhero movies popped up. Sure, there was Wolverine, but just last summer, three comic book crime fighters graced the silver screen (Iron Man, Batman and the Hulk). One measly X-Men spin-off seemed a little strange. Yet there was no shortage of popcorn flicks. G.I. Joe, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Star Trek, Terminator Salvation, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and several others filled the gap that the absence of The Joker left.

Initially, there also seemed to be less sequels, but five, along with two reboots and a remake, made for standard fare. And don't go giving the remaining summer '09 filmmakers too much credit for originality: book adaptations (Julie & Julia, The Time Traveler's Wife, My Sister's Keeper, Public Enemies), TV show adaptations (The Land of the Lost) and even toy adaptations (G.I. Joe and Transformers) were in the mix, too.

But there were some startlingly unique movies. The three that deserve the most credit in my mind are (500) Days of Summer, District 9 and The Hurt Locker.

Unsurprisingly, (500) Days of Summer was my favorite movie of the summer. This charming indie flick was one of the most genuinely delightful and different romantic comedies I've seen in years. While some of the old cliches are there -- a Twinkie-fueled post-break-up slump, an idiotic best friend -- (500) Days of Summer found wonderful ways to make them its own. Moreover, the nonlinear storyline was a refreshing approach that made the characters' interactions all the more intimate and enjoyable...and at times, completely devastating. I've been a huge fan of Joseph Gordon-Levitt since his awesome turns in Brick, The Lookout and 10 Things I Hate About You, but he has forever cemented a place on my favorites list with this movie. His Tom was not only loveable, but interestingly assumed many of the traits typically assigned to rom-com heroines. On the flip side, the always adorable Zooey Deschanel took the cynical "I don't believe in love" stance so often propagated by reluctant male protagonists. But even more important than inverted gender norms is this. I have watched it at least eight times online, and shamelessly bobbed along to the music when I first saw the movie in theaters. I'm going to choose to ignore how pathetic that makes me and instead focus on how infectious it is, along with the whole damn movie.

Another original and awesome movie I saw this summer was the recent sleeper hit, District 9. The documentary style, notably adopted by Cloverfield, and lack of any A-listers created a movie that -- despite the presence of aliens -- seemed surprisingly real. The allegory to apartheid and immigration has been discussed enough, so I'll limit myself to this: it's rare to see a sci-fi popcorn flick that makes you think, too. As with (500) Days of Summer, what struck me the most was the movie's unconventional lead character. Wikus van de Merwe was certainly sympathetic and, on the whole, a really nice guy. However, there were moments when he was selfish. He didn't always think of others or look for opportunities to be the hero, as with typical action protagonists. Ironically, this made him more identifiable to audience members. Because let's be honest, if you were in Wikus's situation (which I refuse to spoil), you'd probably be a teensy bit concerned about yourself. It's nice to see a movie that finally reflects such human flaws, and provides a suspenseful and intelligent sci-fi story.

The final most creative summer movie award goes to The Hurt Locker. Billed as the one good Iraq War movie, it's unquestionably the most intense and nail-bitting film of the summer. It follows three members of a bomb squad unit, who have about a month of service left. Though adequate time is spent developing these characters and showing more quiet interactions, the focus is several isolated calls to diffuse explosives. You'll find yourself muttering "oh shit" or "holy crap" at least five times -- the biggest one for me was the moment depicted in the poster -- and fascinated by relative unknown Jeremy Renner's performance. The movie's already considered a frontrunner for Best Picture, but there's some buzz around Renner (soon to be Jon Hamm's costar!) as well. It's a testament to the uniqueness of this movie that he and costars Anthony Mackie and Brian Geraghty dominate the story, while the few famous people in it are limited to about five minutes of screen time. Unlike previous Iraq War movies, you won't find a political message in  The Hurt Locker. But you will find an amazingly suspenseful and perfectly executed movie on the dangerous lives of three soldiers.

I'm also giving Moon a first runner-up for most creative. Though it was clearly influenced by past sci-fi movies, the twist it took was very interesting. Plus, this is the opportunity for all those Iron Man 2 enthusiasts to say they knew Sam Rockwell (soon-to-be villain Justin Hammer) before he faced off with Tony Stark.

My remaining (though admittedly less original) favorites from the season include Up, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Star Trek. I had never seen so much as a Spock action figure, let alone a Star Trek episode or movie, before May, but J.J. Abrams' reboot was too much fun. The Kirk-Spock banter was excellent, and the action was awesome. As for Up and Harry Potter, they were both just as great as I expected. Call me crazy, but I actually liked Up  even more than Wall-E (though I could just be a sucker for talking dogs and floating houses). Like all Pixar movies, it was imaginative, funny and ridiculously cute. Then there was Harry Potter, so cruelly held from us an extra eight months. But I found it to be worth the wait. It was definitely the funniest of the series, to start with. Too often the characters' adolescence is forgotten in favor of mysterious potions and CGI creatures, so it was refreshing to see the comical side of being an awkward Hogwarts teenager. The dark tone was still appropriately maintained, notably in the opening and the later, extremely disturbing scene with Katie Bell. Draco may be looking a little old for a 16-year-old, but I'm pumped for the last two.

Thankfully, I avoided most of the worst summer movies. Well, minus an unfortunate encounter with The Ugly Truth. And a less aggravating yet tiresome viewing of Terminator Salvation. (After watching him yell for almost two hours, I'm starting to think Christian "Are You Professional?" Bale's rant was just a leaked rehearsal.) So I'll spare you an equally lengthy condemnation of the potential 2009 Razzie winners. All in all, this was a pretty standard summer. Now that we're approaching Oscar season, though, it's time to leave behind the wham, bam, thank you ma'am blockbusters for some more understated prestige. And Sherlock Holmes. I haven't mentioned that movie, have I?

(Outdated) Angry Observations: Why the Last King of Scotland DVD Cover Blows

So I noticed this in the Borders discount DVD bin the other day and almost screamed in frustration.

I've already talked about how absurdly underappreciated James McAvoy is for his role in The Last King of Scotland, but this takes the cake. We get it, Fox. Forest Whitaker was really good in this, and won an Oscar. That doesn't give you a free pass to ignore the rest of the cast. Oh, what's that?You popped Kerry Washington in the corner? What. The. Fuck. Though you refuse to admit it, James McAvoy was basically the second lead actor in this movie. Kerry Washington, on the other hand, was in maybe 1/3 of it. Maybe.

So what have you got against James McAvoy? While he's not a huge name, he's done consistently well with the critics and even has one Golden Globe and two BAFTA nods under his belt. He also won the BAFTA Rising Star award in 2006. (And even more impressively, he built himself up fast: he only started getting major roles in 2002/2003. Though maybe you remember his less-than-ten-minute spot on Band of Brothers.)

Let's see, he's also got a devoted fan base, and, most importantly, he's so freakin' likeable I can't stand it. How on earth could you not love him? I submit this video, and every other interview he's done with Craig Ferguson, as evidence of what has been dubbed "the Scottish vacuum of charm."

Oh and b.t. dubs, he's currently pegged as a favorite for Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro's surefire hit The Hobbit. Even supposed (and hilariously absurd) rival Daniel Radcliffe is pulling for him. So yeah, pretty soon he might be kind of a big deal. People will know him. And you, DVD cover designer, will not be invited to his apartment, which I'd imagine smells of rich mahogany and features many leatherbound books. You smelly pirate hooker, you.

Update: The brilliant Tarra has remedied the problem.