If Sam Mendes Directed Bond

The title may be hypothetical, but recent reports suggest that this could be a not-so-distant reality. That's right: Sam Mendes is apparently in talks to helm the 23rd movie in the Bond franchise. I'm not exactly sure how to take this. On the one hand, I love Sam Mendes a whole lot. American Beauty is one of my all-time favorite movies, and, as you can see in my previous post, both Road to Perdition and Revolutionary Road made my best of the '00s list. However, he's not exactly the obvious candidate. He's tried his hand at gangsters (Road to Perdition) and war (Jarhead), but there is not a single action movie to his name. In fact, what is associated with his name is unquestionably subtle, dialogue-heavy drama. Kinda the polar opposite of James Bond, a man known for his flashy cars, unrelenting physical fights and puns.

I'm cautiously putting my faith in Mendes for now -- no one expected reboot Casino Royale to work as marvelously as it did -- but just for fun, I thought I'd imagine the newest Bond with all the most stereotypical touches of a Sam Mendes movie. Get ready to question your life in three, two, one....

The Story: James Bond has grown increasingly disenchanted with his shallow spy lifestyle and after flubbing one too many missions, M shows him the door. He takes up residence in a quaint British neighborhood as he tries to find his place in the world as well as redemption for his past exploits.

The Bond Girl: The married lady down the block. She wanted to be a model or whatever Bond girls claim as their professions, but never achieved her dream. Instead, she has a few kids and gets cheap thrills from screwing around with Bond. She may look content to the outside world, but she's a deeply unhappy person.

The Villain: Wait for it....suburbia! No amount of bare knuckle fights, guns or parkour can vanquish this formidable foe. As the pressures of the neighborhood continue to weigh on Bond, can he emerge unscathed?

The Car: A used Camry. Navy blue, but it's lost its shine.

The Choice Cheesy Joke:

Married Lady Down the Block: Are you a religious man, James?

Bond: There are plenty of things you could call me, but believer isn't one of them. You know, when you're young you think that God will show you the answer. Hell, even some adults buy that bullshit. But where's my answer, huh? Where's my goddamn answer? I've been sitting here the past few weeks begging for a sign, any hint as to what to do with my life, and all I've realized is that watching the people across the street is not even half as fucking exciting as Rear Window claims it is. And even if I had some notion as to what to do, would I be able to pursue it, knowing how many nameless henchmen, evil geniuses and backstabbing sluts I've killed? I have blood on my hands, married lady down the lock, blood that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my miserable fucking existence. *Pause* But I do believe in lovin' thy neighbor.