If Sam Mendes Directed Bond

The title may be hypothetical, but recent reports suggest that this could be a not-so-distant reality. That's right: Sam Mendes is apparently in talks to helm the 23rd movie in the Bond franchise. I'm not exactly sure how to take this. On the one hand, I love Sam Mendes a whole lot. American Beauty is one of my all-time favorite movies, and, as you can see in my previous post, both Road to Perdition and Revolutionary Road made my best of the '00s list. However, he's not exactly the obvious candidate. He's tried his hand at gangsters (Road to Perdition) and war (Jarhead), but there is not a single action movie to his name. In fact, what is associated with his name is unquestionably subtle, dialogue-heavy drama. Kinda the polar opposite of James Bond, a man known for his flashy cars, unrelenting physical fights and puns.

I'm cautiously putting my faith in Mendes for now -- no one expected reboot Casino Royale to work as marvelously as it did -- but just for fun, I thought I'd imagine the newest Bond with all the most stereotypical touches of a Sam Mendes movie. Get ready to question your life in three, two, one....

The Story: James Bond has grown increasingly disenchanted with his shallow spy lifestyle and after flubbing one too many missions, M shows him the door. He takes up residence in a quaint British neighborhood as he tries to find his place in the world as well as redemption for his past exploits.

The Bond Girl: The married lady down the block. She wanted to be a model or whatever Bond girls claim as their professions, but never achieved her dream. Instead, she has a few kids and gets cheap thrills from screwing around with Bond. She may look content to the outside world, but she's a deeply unhappy person.

The Villain: Wait for it....suburbia! No amount of bare knuckle fights, guns or parkour can vanquish this formidable foe. As the pressures of the neighborhood continue to weigh on Bond, can he emerge unscathed?

The Car: A used Camry. Navy blue, but it's lost its shine.

The Choice Cheesy Joke:

Married Lady Down the Block: Are you a religious man, James?

Bond: There are plenty of things you could call me, but believer isn't one of them. You know, when you're young you think that God will show you the answer. Hell, even some adults buy that bullshit. But where's my answer, huh? Where's my goddamn answer? I've been sitting here the past few weeks begging for a sign, any hint as to what to do with my life, and all I've realized is that watching the people across the street is not even half as fucking exciting as Rear Window claims it is. And even if I had some notion as to what to do, would I be able to pursue it, knowing how many nameless henchmen, evil geniuses and backstabbing sluts I've killed? I have blood on my hands, married lady down the lock, blood that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my miserable fucking existence. *Pause* But I do believe in lovin' thy neighbor.

Everybody Loves Gary and Other Random Hollywood Musings

In the increasingly divisive world of movies, I’ve discovered one universal truth: everyone loves Gary Oldman.  Seriously, even the people who don’t quite know who he is love him.  In my experience, the words “Gary Oldman” can’t be uttered in a sentence without “awesome,” “amazing” or “badass.”  No one hates him.  It isn’t like Shia LaBeouf where most people are just so happy for that goofy Even Stevens kid, or Philip Seymour Hoffman’s tiny but devoted cult of fans.  People young and old, male and female, with both excellent and questionable taste in movies adore this guy.  Were some freak with a passionate loathing for Mr. Oldman to actually emerge, I don’t see others being alarmed and offended as much as completely puzzled.  How can you hate someone so cool, talented, and sometimes even terrifying? 

Speaking of cool actors, I love Clive Owen.  The problem is I don’t always remember him.  By that I don’t mean I literally can’t place the name with the face, but rather I often forget about his existence.  See usually, I seek out a few movies by a certain actor after I’ve decided I like him or her.  But, except for Children of Men, every time I watched one of his movies, I thought “Hey, Clive Owen’s in this!” only after his face popped up on screen.  I really don’t understand this phenomenon; Clive’s so suave, tough and British (do you see why I was initially pissed that Daniel Craig and not Clive was the new Bond?).  If those traits aren’t memorable, what is?

Now for something topical.  The new Revolutionary Road trailer has to be the single most serious preview I’ve ever seen.  The music alone makes it unbelievably somber and foreboding, but this is one trailer where I can’t find a shred of silver lining in the clips.  The impression I’m getting is that, should you see this movie, expect to spend the rest of the day questioning your life’s happiness and alternatively sleeping and crying.  So can someone please tell me why I’m so excited for it?  Oh, right.  Leo and Kate and Sam Mendes.  In one movie.  Can I watch it now?  

Finally, why isn't Neil Patrick Harris in more movies? I've only seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and almost all of How I Met Your Mother, but already I can't get enough of him.  At least let him host the 2009 Emmys.  The show would be infinitely better than this year's nightmare.  'Cause you know, whenever Neil Patrick Harris feels like doing a soul-crushingly bad job at hosting, he is just awesome instead.  True story.