If Sam Mendes Directed Bond

The title may be hypothetical, but recent reports suggest that this could be a not-so-distant reality. That's right: Sam Mendes is apparently in talks to helm the 23rd movie in the Bond franchise. I'm not exactly sure how to take this. On the one hand, I love Sam Mendes a whole lot. American Beauty is one of my all-time favorite movies, and, as you can see in my previous post, both Road to Perdition and Revolutionary Road made my best of the '00s list. However, he's not exactly the obvious candidate. He's tried his hand at gangsters (Road to Perdition) and war (Jarhead), but there is not a single action movie to his name. In fact, what is associated with his name is unquestionably subtle, dialogue-heavy drama. Kinda the polar opposite of James Bond, a man known for his flashy cars, unrelenting physical fights and puns.

I'm cautiously putting my faith in Mendes for now -- no one expected reboot Casino Royale to work as marvelously as it did -- but just for fun, I thought I'd imagine the newest Bond with all the most stereotypical touches of a Sam Mendes movie. Get ready to question your life in three, two, one....

The Story: James Bond has grown increasingly disenchanted with his shallow spy lifestyle and after flubbing one too many missions, M shows him the door. He takes up residence in a quaint British neighborhood as he tries to find his place in the world as well as redemption for his past exploits.

The Bond Girl: The married lady down the block. She wanted to be a model or whatever Bond girls claim as their professions, but never achieved her dream. Instead, she has a few kids and gets cheap thrills from screwing around with Bond. She may look content to the outside world, but she's a deeply unhappy person.

The Villain: Wait for it....suburbia! No amount of bare knuckle fights, guns or parkour can vanquish this formidable foe. As the pressures of the neighborhood continue to weigh on Bond, can he emerge unscathed?

The Car: A used Camry. Navy blue, but it's lost its shine.

The Choice Cheesy Joke:

Married Lady Down the Block: Are you a religious man, James?

Bond: There are plenty of things you could call me, but believer isn't one of them. You know, when you're young you think that God will show you the answer. Hell, even some adults buy that bullshit. But where's my answer, huh? Where's my goddamn answer? I've been sitting here the past few weeks begging for a sign, any hint as to what to do with my life, and all I've realized is that watching the people across the street is not even half as fucking exciting as Rear Window claims it is. And even if I had some notion as to what to do, would I be able to pursue it, knowing how many nameless henchmen, evil geniuses and backstabbing sluts I've killed? I have blood on my hands, married lady down the lock, blood that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my miserable fucking existence. *Pause* But I do believe in lovin' thy neighbor.

Best Week Ever? Well, Parts of It...

Normally, I wouldn't write extensively about three unrelated, basic entertainment news blurbs from a random week.  Half the time it's stuff that everyone else already knows and it can get really boring, really quickly.  Heck, I'm boring myself writing this.  But the movie news from the past few days produced so many extreme mood swings in me that I felt it necessary to discuss the latest at least for my own peace of mind, if not also for the benefit of my (5) readers.  So strap yourselves in guys, because you're in for one crazy emotional roller coaster of a current events analysis (and yes, I just used the term "emotional roller coaster").

I'll start with the news that just plain brightened my day.  It looks like the Arrested Development movie, after months of hearsay, is finally official.  Jeffrey Tambor essentially confirmed it on Saturday at the Hellboy 2 premiere, following an earlier MTV interview with Jason Bateman in which the former Michael Bluth said that the only thing holding back production was money.  I know a lot of AD fanatics are skeptical about adapting the series into a film, but Bateman stressed in his interview that Mitchell Hurwitz's script was made quite specifically for a movie, not consecutive TV episodes.  And dammit, I just can't help rejoicing that the Bluths will be together again.  Now as for those stingy producers, to quote Gob: COME ON!

One of imdb's daily links was my next source of happiness.  I'm speaking, of course, of the premiere of the Quantum of Solace trailer.  In true Bond fashion, it was highly cryptic, and highly exciting.  So many things ran through my head as I was watching it (Jeez, is Bond going full-out rogue?  And what's he doing in an arid valley with a big-ass gun?  Oh look, his poker buddy's back!) yet I couldn't even begin to guess what will actually take place.  Kudos to those trailer makers, because I'm officially pumped.  (For any unfortunate souls out there who missed it, here you go.)

Now onto the news that almost completely nullified my excitement over the last two reports (brace yourselves, here comes the full-on rant): Judd Apatow, in his infinite wisdom, is producing a movie that will star Sacha Baron Cohen (better known as Borat) and Will Ferrell as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, respectively.  All I can say to that is WHAT THE HELL?!  Honestly, were the casting people trying to piss off Sherlock Holmes fans?  Because if so, congratulations, I don't think there are any two actors (and I'm using the term loosely here) that could be worse for the parts.  I was already terrified that Guy Ritchie was going to cast Jason Statham as Holmes in his own project, but at this point I'll welcome that criminally-inclined pretty boy with open arms over Talladega Nights 2.

Granted, Cohen could at least look a little like Holmes, but this beloved character is known for his wit and subtle genius.  I don't think even the most extreme Cohen fan could argue that the man is subtle.  And Will Ferrell??  That choice is even more infuriating.  He hasn't had a decent movie (or a different character) since Stranger Than Fiction and, hate to say it, but from the looks of Step Brothers, it doesn't look like he'll be making a glorious comeback anytime soon.  True, he was surprisingly calm in Fiction, but having another outrageous comedian competing alongside him for audience attention is only going to make him more irritating and obnoxious.

Poor, poor Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  Thank goodness he isn't alive to see this.  Unfortunately, I am, so excuse me while I go cry.