The End...or Is It?

Today, ladies and gentlemen, I write the last ever KMDb post...on Blogger.com.

I've decided to pack up this blog and take it to Wordpress. But nothing besides the site address and appearance is going to change, I promise. My one recurring series is going with me, and I'm not going to get any less crazy. I mean, c'mon. It's award season. If anything, I'm going to get crazier.

So I hope you'll follow me to KMDb, 2.0. You'll find it at http://kmdb.wordpress.com. See you there.

Golden Globes 2010: Alright! Wait, no. GOD no.

Well, it's over. The globes have been dished, the copious champagne drunk, the fists pumped and the disappointment shrieked. As always, the Golden Globes tricked me into thinking they had some sense only to pull a double whammy of injustice in the final act. I suppose I should know better by now. The Globes really aren't the most important pre-Oscar awards and are notorious for being an informal party where stars get wasted. But they sure are fun to watch.

I'm not going to write a full recap because I'm saving that for the Oscars, but I will take you through a very quick reaction to some of the big moments.

Ricky Gervais gets in a staredown with Steve Carell

Please cast these two men as rivals in a movie. They are gold together. And in need of some legitimately fantastic movie roles.

Mo'Nique wins Best Supporting Actress

Two things: she's going to be an Academy Award winner and she made a really heartfelt speech.

Christoph Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor

Dude's also getting an Oscar. But why was there a huge gap between his award and Mo'Nique's? I have never understood the Golden Globes' baffling organizational scheme. Just another reason I can't take this award show completely seriously.

Martin Scorsese is given the Cecil B. DeMille Award

Lifetime achievement awards tend to go to neglected geniuses, and thus are almost a slap in the face, but oh boy was Marty's montage awesome. Great clips from Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and tons more, as well as some fantastic songs that referenced said movies. Just putting it out there: the death montage in Goodfellas set to the instrumental part of "Layla" is still the most awe-inspiring song-scene pairing I've ever seen. Also, I kinda wish Martin Scorsese was my grandpa.

Up in the Air wins Best Screenplay

Woo, Jason Reitman (and Sheldon)! You go! How on earth this was your movie's only win of the night is beyond me.

Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical

T-Bone Streep? Only Meryl could pull off a speech so loopy and random. But then again, if I had 15 Oscar nominations, I'd probably be doing whatever the hell I wanted, too.

Robert Downey, Jr. wins Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical

*Happy sigh* There is no more praise I can lavish on this wonderful man, but his speech was perfect as per usual. Can we just give him an award for Best Person in any Comedy, Musical or Drama?

Sandra Bullock wins Best Actress in a Drama

I don't have much desire to see The Blind Side and didn't really like The Proposal, but it's impossible to dislike Sandra Bullock as a person. She has a sense of humor and awesome style. Also, she apparently speaks fluent German.

Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor in a Drama

Do I smell frontrunner?

James Cameron wins Best Director

Ugh, really? This man has a bigger ego than Quentin Tarantino, and way less talent to back it up. He should not even be in the same category as Kathryn Bigelow and Jason Reitman. I sincerely hope he does not get the opportunity to yell, "Well, who'd you expect, numbnuts?!" at the Oscars. Kathyrn and Jason, on the other hand, are more than welcome to utilize that phrase.

The Hangover wins Best Comedy or Musical

Hey, I liked The Hangover, but there is no arguing this point: (500) Days of Summer is a vastly superior movie. Not especially bitter though, and at least the brilliant Ed Helms is getting more exposure.

Avatar wins Best Drama

THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. Academy, I'm begging you. Please be stronger than the Hollywood Foreign Press. Avatar has one of the worst scripts in recent memory, yet everyone seems to be conveniently forgetting that fact. Don't be one of those people. Refuse James Cameron's money. I know he has a lot of it, but this is a matter of integrity. You've made some mistakes before; I'll forget those if you give me this. Well, I'll forget some of them. That's still a lot. A. Freakin'. Lot.

I'm not even going to dignify this one with a clip. Because if I ignore it, maybe it will go away. Maybe? Just a little?

If Sam Mendes Directed Bond

The title may be hypothetical, but recent reports suggest that this could be a not-so-distant reality. That's right: Sam Mendes is apparently in talks to helm the 23rd movie in the Bond franchise. I'm not exactly sure how to take this. On the one hand, I love Sam Mendes a whole lot. American Beauty is one of my all-time favorite movies, and, as you can see in my previous post, both Road to Perdition and Revolutionary Road made my best of the '00s list. However, he's not exactly the obvious candidate. He's tried his hand at gangsters (Road to Perdition) and war (Jarhead), but there is not a single action movie to his name. In fact, what is associated with his name is unquestionably subtle, dialogue-heavy drama. Kinda the polar opposite of James Bond, a man known for his flashy cars, unrelenting physical fights and puns.

I'm cautiously putting my faith in Mendes for now -- no one expected reboot Casino Royale to work as marvelously as it did -- but just for fun, I thought I'd imagine the newest Bond with all the most stereotypical touches of a Sam Mendes movie. Get ready to question your life in three, two, one....

The Story: James Bond has grown increasingly disenchanted with his shallow spy lifestyle and after flubbing one too many missions, M shows him the door. He takes up residence in a quaint British neighborhood as he tries to find his place in the world as well as redemption for his past exploits.

The Bond Girl: The married lady down the block. She wanted to be a model or whatever Bond girls claim as their professions, but never achieved her dream. Instead, she has a few kids and gets cheap thrills from screwing around with Bond. She may look content to the outside world, but she's a deeply unhappy person.

The Villain: Wait for it....suburbia! No amount of bare knuckle fights, guns or parkour can vanquish this formidable foe. As the pressures of the neighborhood continue to weigh on Bond, can he emerge unscathed?

The Car: A used Camry. Navy blue, but it's lost its shine.

The Choice Cheesy Joke:

Married Lady Down the Block: Are you a religious man, James?

Bond: There are plenty of things you could call me, but believer isn't one of them. You know, when you're young you think that God will show you the answer. Hell, even some adults buy that bullshit. But where's my answer, huh? Where's my goddamn answer? I've been sitting here the past few weeks begging for a sign, any hint as to what to do with my life, and all I've realized is that watching the people across the street is not even half as fucking exciting as Rear Window claims it is. And even if I had some notion as to what to do, would I be able to pursue it, knowing how many nameless henchmen, evil geniuses and backstabbing sluts I've killed? I have blood on my hands, married lady down the lock, blood that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my miserable fucking existence. *Pause* But I do believe in lovin' thy neighbor.

KMDB's Top 50 of the 2000s

Now that we are safely into the new decade, it's time to present -- drumroll, please -- KMDB's top 50 movies of the 2000s! But first, some clarification. This is not quite a "best of the decade" list. I'll freely admit to some personal bias in the following choices. I realize that Mullholland Dr., City of God and The Lord of the Rings trilogy are all much more thought-provoking and nuanced films than Anchorman and Mean Girls, but it just felt wrong making a best of list that my heart wasn't really in. So consider this more of a favorites list than a definitive best of list, but please don't discredit it! I've spent far too much time perfecting the choices, all of which come at my highest recommendation. Since 50 pictures and/or trailers would be a tad bit overwhelming (and exhausting to assemble), I've included either some keywords or a key quote from the movie to give you an idea if you're unfamiliar. The films are unranked, as I love them all too much to pick and choose slots. You'll just find them in the preferred organizational scheme of the OCD-afflicted: alphabetization.

And here we go....

28 Days Later (2002)

Keywords: infected chimpanzees, zombies, radio broadcast, sorta skeevy soldiers

(500) Days of Summer (2009)

Key quote: "Just because she likes the same bizarro crap as you doesn't mean she's your soulmate."

Almost Famous (2000)

Key quote: "And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were...I'm on drugs!"

American Psycho (2000)

Keywords: yuppies, ax, chainsaw, murder, mayhem, disturbing use of Huey Lewis and the News

Anchorman (2004)

Key quote: "They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time."

The Aviator (2004)

Keywords: glamour, airplanes, movie stars, OCD, q-u-a-r-a-n-t-i-n-e

Before Sunset (2004)

Key quote: "I guess when you're young, you believe there'll be many people whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."

Big Fish (2003)

Keywords: circus, daffodils, singing Siamese twins, tall tales, father-son relations

The Bourne Supremacy (2004)

Keywords: misdirected bullet, CIA, ass kicking, European cities, sly phone conversations

Brick (2005)

Key quote: "Throw one at me if you want, hash head. I've got all five senses and I slept last night. That puts me six up on the lot of you."

Bright Star (2009)

Keywords: poetry, tuberculosis, old-timey fashionista, tartan trousers, doomed romance

Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Key quote: "You count the damn few times we have been together in nearly twenty years and you measure the short fucking leash you keep me on and then you ask me about Mexico and tell me you'll kill me for needing somethin' I don't hardly never get...I wish I knew how to quit you."

Casino Royale (2006)

Keywords: poker, espionage, sexually charged banter, fast cars, loose women, stock market manipulation

Children of Men (2006)

Keywords: dystopia, sterility, old hippie, dangerous mission, sweet tracking shots

Collateral (2004)

Key quote: "What? I should only kill people after I get to know them?"

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

Keywords: flying kicks to the head, waterfall, treetops, swords, character named Shining Phoenix Mountain Gou

The Darjeeling Limited (2007)

Key quote: "I love you, too, but I'm going to mace you in the face."

The Departed (2006)

Key quote: "I don't want to be a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me."

Donnie Darko (2001)

Keywords: time travel, vandalism, crackpot philosophy, tall evil rabbit

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Key quote: "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

Gone Baby Gone (2007)

Keywords: kidnapping, druggie mom, inner city, conflicted cops

Good Night, and Good Luck (2005)

Key quote: "Cassius was right. The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves. Good night, and good luck."

Hard Candy (2005)

Keywords: Internet predator, red hoodie, mind games, Goldfrapp

High Fidelity (2000)

Key quote: "Which came first, the music or the misery?"

The Hurt Locker (2009)

Keywords: Iraq, bomb diffusion, daredevil sergeant, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man-esque outfit, a boy named Beckham

Inside Man (2006)

Keywords: bank heist, hostages, riddles, decoys, dirty little secret, surgical masks

Into the Wild (2007)

Key quote: "The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences."

Iron Man (2008)

Keywords: arms dealing, eccentric superhero, comical test trials, comical press conferences, flashy iron alloy suits

Juno (2007)

Key quote: "And apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful, but really mean, like Diana Ross."

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Key quote: "Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is I don't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down."

Lars and the Real Girl (2007)

Keywords: blow-up doll, small town, sweet but intensely shy main character, awkward family dinners

The Last King of Scotland (2006)

Key quote: "I am tired of hatred, Doctor Garrigan. This country is drowning in it. We deserve better."

Little Children (2006)

Keywords: suburbia, extramarital affair, the sex offender next door, jester hat, seductive bathing suit, skateboards

Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

Key quote: "You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work...fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest."

Mean Girls (2004)

Key quote: "If you're from Africa, why are you white?"

Memento (2000)

Keywords: Polaroids, significant tattoos, messed up memory, nonlinear storyline like whoa

Milk (2008)

Key quote: "All men are created equal. No matter how hard you try, you can never erase those words."

Notes on a Scandal (2006)

Key quote: "This is going to sound sick, but something in me felt entitled. You know, I've been good all my adult life. I've been a decent wife, a dutiful mother coping with Ben. The voice inside me kept saying, 'Why shouldn't you be bad? Why shouldn't you transgress? I mean, you've earned the right.'"

Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

Keywords: fairy tales, anti-fascist resistance, creeptastic creatures, three tasks, difficult pregnancy, knife to the mouth

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Key quote: "Well! I'm actually feeling rather good about this. I think we have all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically."

Pride and Prejudice (2005)

Key quote: "Did I just agree to dance with Mr. Darcy? It would be most inconvenient, since I have sworn to loathe him for all eternity."

Revolutionary Road (2008)

Keywords: fighting couple, broken dreams, fedoras, cigarettes, big skirts, soul-draining '50s suburbia

Road to Perdition (2002)

Keywords: gangsters, father-son relations, photographer moonlighting as assassin, Great Depression, showdown in the rain

The Savages (2007)

Key quote: "People are dying, Wendy! Right inside that beautiful building right now, it's a fucking horror show! And all this wellness propaganda and the landscaping, it's just there to obscure the miserable fact that people die! And death is gaseous and gruesome and it's filled with shit and piss and rotten stink!"

Sideways (2004)

Keywords: shy writer, broken nose, crashed car, cheating bastard, wedding, wine

Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

Keywords: quiz show, flashbacks, Indian slums, destiny, orphans, crime lords, chai tea

Stranger Than Fiction (2006)

Key quote: "Odd as it may seem, I've just ruled out half of Greek literature, seven fairy tales, ten Chinese fables and determined conclusively that you are not King Hamlet, Scout Finch, Miss Marple, Frankenstein's Monster or a golem. Aren't you relieved to know you're not a golem?"

Thank You for Smoking (2005)

Key quote: "Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent."

Up (2009)

Keywords: balloons, curmudgeonly old man, exploration, talking dogs, Boy Scout, bird named Kevin

Up in the Air (2009)

Key quote: "The slower we move, the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living."

Six Terrible Movie Characters I Would Like to Personally Strangle

Ever watch a movie where you hate a character with every fiber of your being? You don't just want them to lose in the end, you want them immediately removed from the plot, lest you chuck something at the screen. You despise them more than actual assholes you've encountered, and would like nothing more than to feed him/her to Jaws. Or introduce his/her foot to a lawnmower.

There are plenty of characters I dislike or find annoying, but only the following six have entered strangle-worthy territory. It being Christmas Eve, I thought I'd share with my dear readers exactly why I hate these fictional fuckfaces, while providing clips that showcase their atrocities. Have a copy of A Muppet Christmas Carol or It's a Wonderful Life handy. You're going to need it to restore your merriment and goodwill towards mankind.

Blanche Barrow from Bonnie and Clyde

Not only is Blanche a complete wimp compared to badass Bonnie, she nearly ruins everything by screaming hysterically during a shootout. Like, ten solid minutes of screaming and arm flapping. And she isn't even smart enough to duck! Lots of people would lose their shit during an ambush, for sure, but there's a difference between freaking out and being ridiculously self-indulgent. Blanche falls squarely in the latter category. She even has the audacity to claim a cut of their loot when she does nothing except jeopardize their lives and cry about how she used to be a preacher's daughter. Blanche, I think I speak for everyone when I say if you can't take the heat, go back to the chapel.

For the aforementioned hysterical screaming, check out 4:00-5:05 of this heavily edited video. And yes, Estelle Parsons won an Oscar for nonstop screeching.

Christine Everhart from Iron Man

Tony Stark is not exactly Mr. Moral, so indignant Vanity Fair reporter Christine Everhart is kinda justified in her criticisms. However, she takes things way too far. Asking Stark what he thinks of his nickname Merchant of Death is one thing, but verbally thrashing him at a classy cocktail party over a war-torn village is a little much. And honestly, who the hell carries photos of said destruction with them at all times? Stark wasn't even expected at that party. Are they just always in her purse, ready for public shaming?

Oh and one more thing: this whole holier-than-thou, crusading journalist thing is all well and good but don't you think sleeping with your interview subject is a tiny bit unethical? Pettily insulting his assistant the next day is also kinda unprofessional. But you go ahead being an enormous hypocrite, Christine. Just please stay out of Iron Man 2 as much as possible.

Alvy Singer from Annie Hall

Part of this has to do with the fact that I can't stand Woody Allen. It took every ounce of patience and self-control I had to sit through Annie Hall, and I could barely even handle Allen's much smaller role in Scoop. But I should clarify: I have nothing against him as a director or writer. In fact, I think he's pretty talented in those roles. He is, however, one of the worst actors I've ever witnessed. No matter the scene or situation it feels like he's doing stand-up, and thus he doesn't come across as a real character. That's bad enough. But Alvy of Annie Hall is also one of the most pompous and sanctimonious men to ever fill the screen. He's always berating Annie for not going to therapy, or for reading The National Review, or doing basically anything. No wonder she dumped his sorry ass.

Veda Pierce from Mildred Pierce

Bratty girls are hardly in short supply in movies, but even sixty-four years later, no one's topped Veda Pierce. Veda demands the high class life from her indulging mother, who waits tables and builds up an entire restaurant chain to buy them into the American aristocracy. Mildred's husband divorces her for giving into the kids too much and she busts her ass just so Veda can tell her that she's low class scum. Veda commits much worse and much more spoiler-tastic crimes as the movie progresses (see it for yourself -- it's an amazing film noir) that cause her mere presence to get my eyes squinting and twitching. See her call her awesome mother terrible things and even slap her between 1:49 and 2:01 of the trailer:

Every single person from Jesus Camp

Oh shit, they're real human beings, aren't they? It's better for my piece of my mind if we think of them as fictional figures and not living people with actual political influence.

Also, just to clarify, I wouldn't strangle the children, just the adults.

Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

The moment in this movie when someone attempts to murder Nurse Ratched marks the only time I've vigorously cheered on a would-be killer. Because there are villains, and then there is Nurse Ratched. She isn't your run-of-the-mill bitch. Oh no. She fucks with the already messed-up minds of every patient in her ward, preventing them from making any steps towards recovery. In fact, there isn't much wrong with any of the guys, but Ratched convinces them there is. She also withholds their cigarettes, forces pills on them and does something else so sinister/malicious/low that it makes you wish she was real just so you could viciously beat her down (too much of a spoiler, though). Watch her cruelly deny McMurphy and co. the right to watch a baseball game here:

So which characters would you personally like to strangle?

Golden Globes: Snap Judgment

Shameful, I know. It's been three days since the announcement and I'm just now getting to a Golden Globes post.* In my defense, I spent a good day and a half of that interval flying and sleeping. Still, apologies all around. Here are my basic reactions to the major categories of the first major awards of the season.

Best Motion Picture -- Drama

Avatar

The Hurt Locker

Inglorious Basterds

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Up in the Air

Time will tell if it lasts, but I couldn't be happier at the frontrunner status Up in the Air is currently enjoying. It might just go all the way! Glad to see some recognition for The Hurt Locker, too. Avatar's plot has more holes than Swiss cheese riddled with a machine gun and laughable lines, but the fantastic visuals make the spot understandable. And apparently Inglorious Basterds has more of an Oscar prayer than I expected, for the SAGs followed the Golden Globes with significant recognition. Quentin Tarantino is likely douching it up at some Hollywood party as we speak.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Drama

Emily Blunt, The Young Victoria

Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

Helen Mirren, The Last Station

Carey Mulligan, An Education

Gabourey Sidibe, Precious

No big surprises here. Carey Mulligan and Gabourey Sidibe seem like locks, and I'm going to go ahead and call Helen Mirren for an Oscar nod, too. Still not sure if the Academy will go for Sandra Bullock, or Emily Blunt (in a barely discussed British movie about a British monarch who isn't a Tudor). However, considering Bullock made the SAG list, too, and that the only likely "Actress in a Comedy" pick to go onto the Oscars is Meryl Streep, at least one is bound to go through.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Drama

Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart

George Clooney, Up in the Air

Colin Firth, A Single Man

Morgan Freeman, Invictus

Tobey Maguire, Brothers

....um, Tobey Maguire? As in the guy whose only notable recognition thus far has been the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss? Have we all forgotten about Spiderman 3? The L.A. Times' The Envelope smartly predicts that Maguire will get replaced come Oscar time with Jeremy Renner of The Hurt Locker. Otherwise, all the picks seem Oscar-bound.

Best Motion Picture -- Comedy

(500) Days of Summer

The Hangover

It's Complicated

Julie & Julia

Nine

Gotta give a big OH HELL YES to the (500) Days of Summer nod. I know it won't make it to the Academy Awards BP category, but it's still a major cause for celebration. Yeah, otherwise this is a pretty meaningless category thrown in for kicks and giggles by the Hollywood Foreign Press. Let's treat it as such and move on.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Comedy

Sandra Bullock, The Proposal

Marion Cotillard, Nine

Julia Roberts, Duplicity

Meryl Streep, It's Complicated

Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

Double Meryl in the same category could mean vote-splitting, upsetting the strongest contender (for Julie & Julia, specifically). But the move is unsurprising considering Meryl Streep's universal critical adoration. Pleasantly surprised to see Julia Roberts in there (Duplicity is fantastic, in case you missed it) and calling Marion Cotillard the throwaway nod (can any of the Nine women be considered leads, or beat the Cruz buzz?). The Sandra Bullock nod is completely undeserved in my opinion, but I'm thanking my lucky stars they didn't pick a crappier romantic comedy heroine.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Comedy

Matt Damon, The Informant!

Daniel Day-Lewis, Nine

Robert Downey, Jr., Sherlock Holmes

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, (500) Days of Summer

Michael Stuhlbarg, A Serious Man

Favorite category, bar none. Again, I know it's meaningless, but who cares? If my 50 posts on Sherlock Holmes weren't clear enough, I'm expecting Robert Downey, Jr. to make me cry many tears of happiness this Christmas, and if I had a marching band and a choreographed ensemble, I'd totally be recreating the (500) Days of Summer dance to celebrate Joe G-L's nod. I'm actually going to be conflicted on this one! But doubting even Oscar magnet Daniel Day-Lewis will make it onto the next round.

Best Performance by a Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture

Penelope Cruz, Nine

Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air

Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air

Mo'Nique, Precious

Julianne Moore, A Single Man

So unsurprising that I literally have nothing to say. Except that I predict Anna Kendrick will be the only Twilight star to ever boast the title of Oscar nominee.

Best Performance by a Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture

Matt Damon, Invictus

Woody Harrelson, The Messenger

Christopher Plummer, The Last Station

Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones

Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds

Also pretty much expected. Waltz sounds like the favorite, though only two of these movies have been widely released and reviewed, so maybe it's too early to say.

Best Director

Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

James Cameron, Avatar

Clint Eastwood, Invictus

Jason Reitman, Up in the Air

Quentin Tarantino, Inglorious Basterds

I really don't think Clint Eastwood has made a movie without the aim of winning an Oscar in at least five years, and the awards committees have been far too happy to oblige him. However, my buddy Jason, James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow seem like the stronger contenders this season. Reitman has my vote, though I would be happy to see Bigelow win. Speaking of which, how ridiculous is it that she would be only the fourth woman in history to be nominated for Best Director? Answer: almost as ridiculous as the fact that Alfred fuckin' Hitchcock never won that award.

*I have no idea why Blogger claims this was published on December 15, because it definitely wasn't.

...And Now Your Moment of Zen WTF Just Happened There?

Jon Stewart's got political speeches and news clips. I've got random movie moments. Today I present one from the 1968 Lindsay Anderson mindfuck If..., also known as Malcolm McDowell's feature film debut. Yes, that Malcolm McDowell. So you know what you're getting yourself into.

I hope that weirdo headmaster sprang for some nice drawer liners at the very least.

Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: Shia LaBeouf

Remember back in the early naughties when we were first introduced to Louis Stevens, known in the real world as Shia LaBeouf?

What simple times those were. LaBeouf was merely a goofy child star then. He annoyed perfectionist sister Ren and formed awesome supergroups with his best friend Twitty each week on the Disney Channel. It was fantastic. His lead role in Holes a few years later would only cement his wholesome and largely lovable image.

After some tiny roles in I, Robot and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, LaBeouf began his transition to grown-up stardom with under-the-radar projects like The Greatest Game Ever Played, A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints and Bobby (they were generally well-received). The big breakthrough, however, came in Disturbia, after which he blew up into a bonafide celebrity.

Now, Disturbia was obviously not a masterpiece for anyone involved, but it was decent. Unfortunately, LaBeouf's subsequent movies would only plummet in quality. While I can't speak for Surf's Up, I did see The Beef's next next movie, Transformers. Obviously not my favorite, but I figured he's allowed one "fun," stupid movie. However, what came next was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, during which he swung from trees with CGI monkeys. Sadly only one of several WTF moments from that movie, whose awfulness I tried my best to deny for Cate Blanchett and the original Indiana Jones movies' sake, but which was eventually unavoidable.

Two massive misses in a row, what does LaBeouf do? Make a shitty amalgamation of every sci-fi thriller with a talking computer ever named Eagle Eye and another Transformers movie of course! And guess what his next project is? Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps. I'm not kidding. Michael Douglas is back, and teaming up with Shia to "alert the financial community to the coming doom and to find out who was responsible for the death of the young trader's mentor."

I know that a new Wall Street is extremely relevant now and that Gordon Gekko is an awesome character, but that sounds way too much like a fake, Mad Libs-generated movie. Maybe Oliver Stone is playing an elaborate trick on all of us, and actually making a prequel to JFK focused on British Prime Minister Harold Macmillian and John Kennedy's relationship.

(Bigger photos available here and here.)

Anyway, Shia LaBeouf might as well hire me as his manager now, because I have an extensive plan to save him from entering Vin Diesel territory. It's a commitment, to be sure; this is at least a five- to ten-year plan. But if he doesn't hop on it soon, it may get bumped up to twenty.

Okay, so first of all, and I know this is going to be hard to understand, cut all ties with Steven Spielberg. Yes, he's put you in lots of blockbusters, but he's also overexposed you, pegged you as franchise-happy and typecast you as a slightly uncool action hero. Your career will not survive if it continues this way. Even Harrison Ford made some non-commercial movies.

Next, lay off the big-budget action flicks. For the love of all things that are pure and wonderful in this world, do not sign on for Transformers 3. I don't want you near a movie with a single explosion. Not even one in a microwave. Take a few months to carefully read over some scripts and look for supporting roles. You need to slowly reenter the Hollywood scene, because you're nearing public disdain. And these supporting roles? They're going to be in dramedies. I like that you took a part in New York, I Love You. The cast and directors aren't nearly as impressive or credible as the ones in Paris, je t'aime, but they're a helluva lot better than Megan Fox and Michael Bay. And you got in a segment with Julie Christie where you're looking pretty classy. Good job. Let's continue this.

You're not lovable enough to attempt this yet, but in time, you may also want to reconsider your comedy roots. The only reason I'm even bothering to figure out how to save your sorry career is because I have fond middle school memories of Even Stevens (and Bobby wasn't bad, either). If you can replicate your past comedic success, you're set. Perhaps a self-deprecating role as a slightly douchey young actor? God it's a shame Extras isn't on the air anymore.

After a few years of doing what I described above, you should be ready for lead roles again and have gained some more long-term staying power. If you pull this off really well, you may even be able to throw in another action movie or two, a la Matt Damon. But seriously, heed my words, Shia. You won't get rid of that unfortunate new nickname of yours (LaDouche), or Michael Bay, otherwise.

Bright Star & Up in the Air, or Anguish & Airports

After two posts chronicling my celebrity-induced insanity, it's time to make this blog slightly more legit again. Maybe even too legit to quit. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

So, as mentioned previously, I was lucky enough to snag tickets to both Bright Star and Up in the Air during the London Film Festival. Obviously, I have thoughts on them, which I'd like to share with you. Let's start with the first movie I saw: Up in the Air.

My expectations for this one were pretty freakin' high. This was due to several factors: a) it's the third full-length film by Jason Reitman; b) it features Vera Farmiga, Jason Bateman, J.K. Simmons and even Zach Galifianakis; c) it's been buzzed about since September. And while Jason Reitman was absolutely right -- it did make me (more than) a little sad -- I thought it was a fantastically well-made and extremely relevant movie.

First, an adequate plot synopsis. Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) flies a lot. So much, in fact, that he's aiming to become one of the select few to reach 10 million miles. Why does he travel so much? His job is to fire people whose bosses are too lazy or scared to do it themselves. Strangely, Ryan loves his life and loathes the few days of the year he spends at "home." 

Then, this Ivy League go-getter (Anna Kendrick) joins his company and decides to economize by firing over webcams. Ryan is outraged, not only because it will finally root him somewhere but also because it's downright cruel. His unmoved boss (Bateman) asks him to show the new girl the ropes as they prepare her revolutionary system.  

Ryan also meets his female equivalent (Farmiga) along the way, and considers abandoning their shared commitment phobia.

I was kinda bummed that they didn't let Jason Bateman do anything with his role, and that J.K. Simmons was limited to one (admittedly marvelous) scene, but otherwise I have no complaints. This is a rare movie that feels like it's real -- there's little glamour and a whole lot of familiar job losses and setbacks instead. Even if you've yet to enter the job market, the themes of lost direction are something that us college students have no problem identifying with. It's probably a topic we'd rather forget, but if you don't mind harsh reality in movies, few pull it off more deftly than Up in the Air.

Also, George Clooney was incredible in this. I went into it expecting an only mildly serious turn from him, but he was freakin' heartbreaking in some scenes. He was also, as expected, perfect in the more comedic situations. I just about died when -- in reply to Anna Kendrick's character's angry query "Who breaks up with someone over text message?!" -- he cooly says, "Kinda like firing someone over the Internet." That was some massive paraphrasing on my part, but still.

Finally, I have to give props to Anna Kendrick. Like most people, I only know her as Twilight girl, and was thus a little apprehensive about her part in this movie. But she was just as wonderful as Clooney and Farmiga (the only one who I was already expecting a lot from). Hopefully she distances herself as much as possible from vampires in the future.

Annnnd now for Bright Star.

I swear I'm not going to get super fangirl-y like I did in my last Ben Whishaw-related post, but I gotta say this: Jane Campion could not have pandered to his smitten fans more if she tried. Casting him as a poet is already swoon-inducing enough. Add in an adorable Scottish jig, a beautiful choir solo, an awesome top hat, a cute love of Fanny's cat and an angry outburst towards his asshole buddy who's macking on Fanny and you have hundreds of girls reduced to putty in Ben Whishaw's delicate, poetry-writing hands.

But it's an extremely romantic, extremely tragic and extremely beautiful movie on its own. Obviously the true life story plays a major role in this, but so many of the shots are breathtakingly gorgeous. Consider the following.

Like I said, gorgeous. And that's not even counting the image on the other poster. If nothing else, Bright Star better get a Cinematography nod at the Oscars. And Costume Design. But that one's expected. I mean, how on earth do you beat this?

The soundtrack is also beautiful, and Ben and Abbie Cornish are perfect together. She's feisty and amusing, he's, as previously mentioned, too adorable to put into actual words. There's not much else I can say about it. 

Okay, I will add that my graphic professor, a former BBC radio personality and all-around awesome guy, took a good two minutes to praise this movie when someone mentioned Keats in class today. He usually doesn't sidetrack much, but he was absolutely fawning over Bright Star. Wonderful and Jane Campion's best movie yet, he said. Trust me, if it's good enough for Chris Cook, it's good enough for you. He makes delicious salmon and can dissect Four Weddings and a Funeral like no one's business.

Now take us out, Ben.

December 14: The Day a Room with Padded Walls Becomes My New Home

I'm really trying to stay composed here, guys. Really trying. But you see, I have news that is likely to keep me awake for the rest of the night/month. And there's no other way for me to express it but this:

SHERLOCK HOLMES WORLD PREMIERE IN LONDON ON DECEMBER 14TH. OHMYGOD GUYS IS THIS REAL LIFE I MIGHT SEE ROBERT DOWNEY JR MY FAVORITE PERSON EVER SOMEONE PLEASE DRUG ME CANNOT HANDLE THIS AT ALL OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD.

Yes, it's true. My flatmate just informed me, and laughed really hard at my subsequent facial expression. I'd imagine it was a Hans Grüber falling off the building at the end of Die Hard meets Jack Torrance chasing his son in The Shining meets any chick flick heroine doing a private little dance of joy after being asked out by the guy of her dreams kind of face. And I realize that you guys must be sick of my incessant Sherlock Holmes ravings, and cannot possibly be as excited about this news as I am, but please try to understand.

This. 

May be in front of my face.

In about one month.

I believe the wikipedia images accompanying the page for "hysteria" best sum up my current condition. Particularly the one of the far left. And, well, all of them.

The London Film Festival, in Exhaustively Lengthy and Mildly Crazed Review

So, as many of you have already seen on my facebook profile, this past week was full of red carpet, blurry celebrity photos and wild hysterics on my part. It wasn't easy cramming four premieres, and two screenings, into a week which included a visit from my parents and aunt as well as midterms. In fact, it was pretty freakin' exhausting. But it was totally worth it.

The festival kicked off with Fantastic Mr. Fox. The premiere was listed as 7 and 7:30, so we arrived around 6.

Big mistake.

As we quickly learned, if you're going to stalk a red carpet, you gotta commit. One hour? The celebrity stalking vets would laugh in our faces if they knew. Try two or three hours and THEN we can talk to them. For we were not only unable to get into the main arena where all the autographs happened, we were stuck four rows back from the gate in front of a raised platform that some of the VIPs walked down. Oh and they would turn the other way upon reaching its end. Definitely not ideal, but we were prepared to scream, cry and sing for Meryl Streep when she floated by. Sadly, that moment never came, because Meryl flaked. I later read that she had the flu. Right, "the flu." If by having the flu, you mean having no empathy for your devoted fans who left class early for you, then yeah, you have the flu. (Though I do like Meryl, my outrage is more on behalf of one of my friends, who was absolutely devastated.)

However, towards the end, after neither Wes Anderson nor Jason Schwartzmann had walked by, I looked into the distance and saw something wonderful. "Guys, that's George Clooney," I said. "What?" my friends said. "No it's not, Kristin. What are you talking ab-- GEORGE!" He streaked by in a tux with his Italian Barbie girlfriend and in an instant his beauty, like a shooting star, had disappeared. It was the first really surreal moment of the festival.

The next day was the premiere of The Men Who Stare at Goats, a.k.a. our second shot at seeing George and first try at finding the singing cuteness that is Ewan McGregor. We got there two hours early this time, and were just one row behind the gate, perpendicular to the paparazzi. This time, there was no waiting around while people we didn't know traipsed undeservedly across the red carpet. George was one of the first ones there, and he was really nice to all the fans. I wasn't in a position to ask for an autograph, but I got some close, non-blurry photos of that gorgeous man and looked on with delight as he joked with some of the lucky front rowers. He even came around a second time before posing for the paparazzi and leaving. Oh, and he decided to jokingly "adjust" his suit in front of us before braving the photographers. It resulted in this hilarious photo:

Sadly though, Ewan pulled a Meryl and disappointed us. This one, in my opinion, was even more inexcusable. I don't think he was actually expected to attend, but, dude, you're Scottish! Show some British solidarity/pride.

Neve Campbell and Rachel from S Club 7 also made cameos. It was hella random.

And then this cute old man started making the rounds. I honestly had no idea who he was, but people seemed to be making a big deal about him. "Ask him for his autograph, and we'll find out who he is," my friend said. So I did. When I looked down it said, "John Hurt." I kinda flipped. And then felt extremely embarrassed that I didn't recognize him. (In my defense, he looks wildly different between each of his movies.)

After Men Who Stare at Goats, we got a two-day reprieve from the festival during which I hung out with my parents and aunt. Then on Sunday, the Up in the Air premiere arrived. George had already cancelled, and it was at a much smaller theater, so this one was vastly more low-key. However, we were hoping to meet Michael Bluth Jason Bateman. I'll cut to the chase and tell you that he didn't show up, either (god damn that's a lot of unfulfilled anticipation). However, we did get to meet Vera Farmiga, best known as the two-timing shrink in The Departed, who is coincidentally a Syracuse drama alum.

As she made her way towards us, in some awesome purple heels, we shouted, "We go to Syracuse!" Signing my friend's notebook, she excitedly responded, "You do?!" We explained quickly that we were in the abroad program. She smiled, and I told her I love The Departed (had to) and she left. But before that, I had an even nerdier encounter with a barely-qualifies-as-celebrity figure: Jason Reitman.

The fact that I was able to recognize him already tells you that I like Thank You for Smoking and Juno way too much. But you'd think he was some heartthrob leading man the way I was behaving when he came by. As he signed stuff, I broke out my obligatory, "Can I just say that I love Thank You for Smoking and Juno?!" Now, based on my overall experience this past week, celebrities are so used to compliments on their movies that they might respond with a polite thank you, but that's about it. Jason, however, noticeably changed the tone of his voice and said, "Aw thank you. I hope you like this one, too." Having frantically secured one of the last tickets to the Tuesday Up in the Air screening weeks ago, I had to say, "I can't wait to see it!" That's usually all the conversation you get, but he squeezed in, "It might make you a little sad, though" before moving on. I didn't really know what to say to that, so I giggled. (Also, he was right. But more on that later.)

Finally, on Monday I attended the Bright Star premiere. This was the only one I would attend alone, but by far the most exciting. See, it officially being midterm week, most smart and sane people were studying. Besides, no one extremely famous is in this movie. But I was on a mission to find Ben Whishaw, and I refused to let myself (or his even more loyal fan Tarra) down.

So I waited a few hours. Then, he arrived. I kept my eyes glued to his movements by the press aisle the entire time, waiting for my moment to pounce. I was kinda in between the press and paparazzi aisles, and most of the guests were quickly stopping by our section after being photographed. So as Ben posed for the pictures, my anticipation grew. I had already texted news of his arrival with my hand visibly shaking, and was suppressing the urge to scream. This level of excitement was way more than I had expected, but it's Ben, so it's completely warranted. Anyway, I had been chatting with the guy next to me, who had commented that I didn't have any autographs. "I'm waiting for Ben," I told him. "Well you better scream when he breaks away," he said. "Oh, I so am. You should do it with me." So when Ben finally finished, just minutes before the premiere start time, we both shouted "BEN!" Mine was way louder, and no one else had yelled or even shown much interest in the mesmerizing Mr. Whishaw. He actually turned his head and looked in my direction (AAAAHH) but then was turned around and ushered inside (NOOOOOO).

At this point, my body froze. Did this really just happen? Did I wait for hours, rocking on my feet and patiently watching him talk to press members, for nothing? How could life (and Ben) be so cruel? I was really, really upset, but then some expensive black cars pulled up to the entrance. I had never seen this happen before, and the cars were kept running, so I had to make sure Ben wasn't making a quick exit. After about 25 minutes, I was losing faith and contemplating leaving to go home and cry in a ball on my bed. But then I saw him in the hall. He opened the door and walked outside, and I wasn't taking any chances. I screamed his name again, and he promptly continued walking STRAIGHT TOWARDS ME. "Sorry I didn't stop earlier," he said. "Oh it's fine," I said in a state of utter delirium. I asked him if he could sign something for me. Pitifully, all I had was my planner. I opened to a page in July of this year and handed him my cheesy SU Abroad pen, saying, "Sorry, this is all I have." He said it was fine (!) and then said something magical, "What's your name?" Probably blushing and definitely screaming on the inside, I told him it was Kristin and spelled it out for him when he hesitated. As he was signing, I had to whip out, "I think you're fantastic by the way." Didn't even mention a movie that time. Nope, it was just about him. He said thank you. Again, I was delirious, so I was far from done and added as he moved to the next person, "It's a shame more people don't know you in the States!"

For a sec after that, I was extremely scared that I had insulted Ben Whishaw. I mean, he could take that as a back-handed compliment, right? Like, "sucks that no one knows you, man." But I meant that he's so wonderful that his lack of mega-stardom is inexcusable! Luckily, I think I was alright, as Ben didn't say much to anyone (aw, he's shy) and thus I didn't make much of his non-response.

I quickly peeked at my planner and saw, to my astonishment, the inscription, "To Kristin. With love, Ben Whishaw." I was already freaking out that he had asked my name (not one celebrity at the festival had done that for anyone so far), but he added "with love"! You all know what that means: he's legitimately in love with me. Mission accomplished.

Ben did speak once more, saying to the crowd, "Thank you for waiting out in the cold," with a slight, embarrassed, "I feel guilty" chuckle, which was incredibly endearing. And he let us take some pictures. Then, he disappeared into the black car and was gone. But I was over the moon. Too bad no one else gave a damn (except for the guy next to me, I had to explain to basically the entire group that he was the star of the movie...and they were all British). Whatever, it was their loss. My autograph is now proudly tacked to my bulletin board, and I am currently praying to every god in every religion known to man that he does not recognize me when I wait after his play, too, and see me for the massive creep that I am.

Wow, sorry that was so long, guys. (Despite the title, I really didn't realize I was blabbing about Ben Whishaw so much until I hit "preview.") But look out for part 2, in which I review Up in the Air and Bright Star, after I return from fall break on November 1!

Observation: British People Like Their Movies Crushingly Depressing

Yesterday in film class, my professor (who vaguely resembles Susan Sarandon) remarked, "I think you'll find that a lot of the movies we watch will have sort of...downbeat endings."

No shit. This was right after watching Room at the Top, which closed on the protagonist in a trapped marriage and so broken down that he was literally crying. The week before gave us Brief Encounter, another unbelievably tragic romance that almost brought me to tears (less than 10 movies have actually made me cry). The week before that was a movie theater trip to Fish Tank, a social realist movie in which absolutely nothing good happens. Not one damn marginally happy moment. 

Oh, and guess what else we're watching towards the end of class. Atonement. You know, that kinda emotionally draining movie about war-torn lovers? 

I don't mean to sound bitter about this; all of these movies have been great, even outstanding. The amount of depressing shit going on in them is just a tad bit overwhelming. To illustrate this feeling, I present a checklist of all the horrible things I've witnessed in the four mentioned movies, and Dirty Pretty Things, another sad British movie I watched outside of class.

Suicide or Suicide Attempt: BE, RATT

Rape: DPT

Kidnapping: FT

Doomed Lovers: A, BE, DPT, FT, RATT

Mugging: FT

Character Gets Beat Up or Severely Injured: A, FT, RATT

Botched Surgeries: DPT

Shitty Living Conditions: DPT, FT, RATT

The Song "Life's a Bitch": FT

Character Judged Because of Class: A, RATT

Massive Lies: A, BE, DPT, RATT

Annoying Naive Girl Who Ruins Everything: A, RATT

Betrayal of a Family Member or Spouse: A, BE, FT

Woman Abandoned by Her Two-Timing Lover: FT, RATT

General Despair: A, BE, DPT, FT, RATT

Looks like Fish Tank and Room at the Top take the cake in terms of abundance of soul-sucking material. Not surprising, considering that The New York Times called Room at the Top "basically cheerless and somber" upon its release and the London Times noted Fish Tank's "bleak worldview where hard-knock women and sado-masochistic desires collide." You know you're getting a not-so-sunny movie when "sado-masochistic desires" are part of the plot outline.

I'm sure you're desperate to soak up as much misery as possible, and what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't provide you with a taste of these two epically tragic British movies? Here's Fish Tank:

And that's actually all you're getting. No Room at the Top trailer on YouTube. Boo Internet, and your bias against old movies.

But next time you're in a fantastic, nothing's-gonna-get-me-down mood and need something that will completely destroy your will to live, why not give a nice British drama a try?

Counting Down to the London Film Festival

I have very exciting news from across the pond.  In just 13 days, the London Film Festival arrives. 

Basically this is me right now:

But you might be thinking, "London Film Festival? I've heard of Cannes and Venice, but London has one too?" While not nearly as internationally prestigious as France and Italy's annual fests, the London Film Festival is making up for its microscopic reputation with a shitload of awesome-looking movies. All of which are playing mere minutes from my flat.

So what exactly is playing/who exactly will I be stalking on the red carpet? I'm glad you asked. Here's a rundown of the movies and stars hitting London in a fortnight (minus one day)....

FANTASTIC MR. FOX

The Movie: 

Based on Roald Dahl's book and directed by quirkfest Wes Anderson, Fantastic Mr. Fox is about a war between farmers and a family of foxes. The trailer weirdly has a heist movie vibe to it, and the voices behind these adorable animated characters are pretty damn impressive.

The Stars:

Like I said, impressive. George "I make men, women and children worldwide swoon" Clooney. Meryl "15 Oscar nods" Streep. Bill "I'm in every Wes Anderson movie ever" Murray. Owen "I'm also in pretty much every Wes Anderson movie ever" Wilson. Adrien "hey guys I won an Oscar and kissed Halle Berry" Brody. And some other people I couldn't think of stupid, cutesy nicknames for.

The Trailer:

THE BOYS ARE BACK

The Movie: 

A sports writer must raise his two boys alone when his wife passes away. He adopts the child-rearing philosophy of "just say yes," with allegedly hilarious and heartwarming consequences.

The Stars:

Clive Owen. Yes, that suave as hell Brit is in this movie. Now you understand why I'm stalking the premiere.

The Trailer:

BRIGHT STAR

The Movie:

The requisite fall period piece about poet John Keats and his romance with Fanny Brawne. 

The Stars:

Up-and-comer Abbie Cornish plays Fanny, while the too cute Ben Whishaw takes on Keats. You may recognize him as one of the Dylans in I'm Not There or as the teddy bear-toting Sebastian in Brideshead Revisited. Paul Schneider of the prestigious "Drunk History" series, has a supporting role.

The Trailer:

AN EDUCATION

The Movie:

Coming-of-age tale about a '60s teen whose relationship with a much older man gives her an unconventional "education." (You see what I did there? "Education"...like the movie's title! I'm a genius.) 

The Stars:

It may have received rave reviews, but don't expect a lot of star power. The lead girl is a relative unknown while the leading man, Peter Sarsgaard, is probably best known as Mr. Maggie Gyllenhaal. However, look out for Alfred Molina and Emma Thompson as Jack and "Headmistress," respectively.

The Trailer:

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

The Movie: A reporter investigating a secret government program meets a former psychic spy (or "Jedi warrior") and the two get into all sorts of wartime hijinks.

The Stars: Ewan McGregor plays the American journalist, while George Clooney makes his second London Film Festival appearance as the paranormal spy. Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges are also in the movie, as military men.

The Trailer:

UP IN THE AIR

The Movie: All I got from the trailer was that there's this guy who flies around a lot, and some relationships happen, so I turned to the imdb plot synopsis: Ryan Bingham is a corporate downsizing expert whose cherished life on the road is threatened just as he is on the cusp of reaching ten million frequent flier miles and just after he's met the frequent-traveler woman of his dreams. 

The Stars: Though one isn't actually a star, this movie has a double heaping of awesome people named Jason: director Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking, Juno) and supporting actor Jason Bateman. There's also Vera Farmiga (a.k.a. the slutty shrink from The Departed), J.K. Simmons, Zach Galifianakis and Danny McBride. And, once again (with feeling), George Clooney.

The Trailer:

Atom Egoyan's new movie, Chloe, may make it onto my roster, but there's currently no trailer. There's also the new Coen brothers' movie, A Serious Man, and the long-anticipated Viggo Mortensen headliner The Road, but those bastards are dead to me, as they've already sold out. I probably wouldn't have been able to see them anyway, but it's the principle of the thing.

As of today, I will, however be seeing both Bright Star and Up in the Air! Not at the premieres, mind you (though I will be attending the red carpet to scream in Ben Whishaw and Jason Bateman's faces). I'm going the week after, to cheap matinee shows. Still! I'm officially attending two film festival events. So. Freakin. Exciting.

Never Trust a Ho (Named Rotten Tomatoes)

Any movie fanatic is bound to run into the review site Rotten Tomatoes once in a while. It's a great concept; the site compiles all the reviews of a movie, averaging them into a score which is either "rotten" or "fresh," and thereby helping us decide whether to pay $10 for that new movie we're iffy about. Its UK site also has a cute little modified logo:

Thing is, Rotten Tomatoes has always made me uneasy. The first strike against it is its design. I know that's a superficial complaint, but it feels very jumbled to me, and bad layouts greatly influence my opinion. But more than that, Rotten Tomatoes' unweighted system really bothers me. I mean, it's great that bloggers like me can get their voices out there, but ultimately I don't care what they have to say. People go to authorities for reviews, and the fact that Peter Travers and A.O. Scott are on equal footing with Billy of Billy's Movie Blog (exaggeration, but still) doesn't seem right. There may be a top critics tab, but it's the main merged score that's always quoted.

Today, I've found a whole new reason to stick to metacritic.com. One of imdb's daily links took me to Rotten Tomatoes' worst reviewed movies of the past ten years, which in turn took me to their best reviewed movies of all time. It was already strange that the worst of the last decade got 100 spots while the best ever only got 50, but I had to read it.

Though some of the classic examples weren't cropping up, the movies that made the cut seemed pretty plausible. Then I got to number 34.

Um, really? Risky Business is the number 34 best reviewed movie of all time? Even with Rotten Tomatoes' idiotic criteria of at least 20 reviews, I just can't accept this. People may parody and reference Tom Cruise's no-pants dance party incessantly, but gosh, I have never heard anyone call it "critically acclaimed." 

This Risky Business debacle gets even more ridiculous when you consider some of the movies left off the list: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Raging Bull, Lawrence of Arabia and even motherfuckin' Casablanca. RT is supposedly just reporting the facts, but someone there must have a strange vendetta against a lot of good movies, because there is no conceivable world in which Casablanca is not one of the top 10, much less top 50, best reviewed movies of all time. 

Oh and the number one best reviewed movie of all time, according to Rotten Tomatoes?

God, who constitutes "critics" in this list? The site founders and their families? Bitter Casablanca haters? The clinically insane?

It's situations like these where I just don't know what to say. This list is utter bullshit yet it is presented as fact. You can't argue with us, RT says, because we're only presenting data. Well I certainly won't be making the mistake of turning to them for anything factual ever again.