Confession: I Am a Lying Whore (for Andy "Motherlover" Samberg)

As some of you may recall, last year I wrote a pretty nasty post about the MTV Movie Awards in which I essentially declared them dead to me. Well apparently I have no convictions whatsoever, because at 9 pm last night I found myself transfixed on this joke of an awards show once again.

See, I wasn't counting on MTV to pull the Andy Samberg card. Those bastards must have known that I would follow him to the ends of the earth, singing Iran So Far Away and the Awesometown intro until I collapsed from heat exhaustion and/or severe frostbite. All it took was Andy, and just like that I was back to a show that insists that Twilight is a better movie than The Dark Knight, Iron Man and Slumdog Millionaire. 

Horrible? Yes. An absolute travesty? Duh. Yet I knew Twilight was going home with the gold. Anyone who has ever watched MTV should have. But just because I had to watch them present golden popcorn to people who destroy my faith in humanity didn't mean I wasn't going to laugh.

And so laugh I did. It wasn't as funny as it could have been, but my love for Andy Samberg has in no way diminished. His intro had some great moments, including Aziz Ansari making the Spocks cry like little bitches, Andy and his buddy Justin Timberlake having an awkward encounter and Andy insisting "No, you're the a-hole" to President Barack Obama. The ensuing monologue could've used a little work, but let's be real: it would've been legen- wait for it- dary if the notoriously broody Robert Pattinson had *actually* put his hands up for playing Edward Cullen. Have a sense of humor, Pattsy. Half of the world is laughing at you already.

Next, some awards were given out. Eminem performed. I didn't care. Then came something magical. Something that all those stupid Samberg critics should take a good hard look at. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Explosions":

Where do I even begin? The whole concept is genius, first of all. Andy's outfit is also a win. Will Ferrell...was alright I guess. Not gratingly annoying like he usually is nowadays, so he's got that going for him. And that keyboard solo? My opinion of J.J. Abrams just went from "he's a moderately cool guy" to "OMJJ can we please hang out and be best friends for life??" 

The rest of the show never really matched that level of awesomeness, but Andy still had some tricks up his sleeve. My second favorite was probably his Doubt Digital Short, complete with video game action so good it's sacrilegious...and Kiv!

Obviously if Andy's Lonely Island partners had been more involved, the show would have been more consistently hilarious. There was definitely a Jorma deficiency. Seeing him weep after Forest Whitaker, Leann Rimes and Chris Isaak's take on some of the Dudes' greatest hits was definitely not enough. I mean, I was practically crying after that awful display. The concept has worked before (see Josh Groban in "I'm F**king Ben Affleck") but you DO NOT let Leann Rimes mess with "Jizz in My Pants." You just don't. It could have been funny if she and her cohorts were backing up normal performances by the Lonely Island, but this so-called tribute was just bad. I was a little less angry at Forest Whitaker, though. He was kinda amusing, and still has about 500 Last King of Scotland points, as well as 5 million "Blame It" points, to use up before he's on my bad side.

I end this recap with an earnest plea to movie executives: make Andy's proposed project Driving Miss Daisy: The Early Years, starring Leighton Meester and Lil' Wayne, a reality. You probably think I'm greedy after the announcement that Ed Westwick will play Heathcliff in a new Wuthering Heights, but we all need this. If anything can bring about world peace, it's a movie where Lil' Wayne drives Blair Waldorf around in her limo. You better believe there would be an original KMDB movie poster if I actually had PhotoShop. Until that wonderful day comes, I leave some visual aids for your imagination/consideration.

Think about it.

Best Week Ever? Well, Parts of It...

Normally, I wouldn't write extensively about three unrelated, basic entertainment news blurbs from a random week.  Half the time it's stuff that everyone else already knows and it can get really boring, really quickly.  Heck, I'm boring myself writing this.  But the movie news from the past few days produced so many extreme mood swings in me that I felt it necessary to discuss the latest at least for my own peace of mind, if not also for the benefit of my (5) readers.  So strap yourselves in guys, because you're in for one crazy emotional roller coaster of a current events analysis (and yes, I just used the term "emotional roller coaster").

I'll start with the news that just plain brightened my day.  It looks like the Arrested Development movie, after months of hearsay, is finally official.  Jeffrey Tambor essentially confirmed it on Saturday at the Hellboy 2 premiere, following an earlier MTV interview with Jason Bateman in which the former Michael Bluth said that the only thing holding back production was money.  I know a lot of AD fanatics are skeptical about adapting the series into a film, but Bateman stressed in his interview that Mitchell Hurwitz's script was made quite specifically for a movie, not consecutive TV episodes.  And dammit, I just can't help rejoicing that the Bluths will be together again.  Now as for those stingy producers, to quote Gob: COME ON!

One of imdb's daily links was my next source of happiness.  I'm speaking, of course, of the premiere of the Quantum of Solace trailer.  In true Bond fashion, it was highly cryptic, and highly exciting.  So many things ran through my head as I was watching it (Jeez, is Bond going full-out rogue?  And what's he doing in an arid valley with a big-ass gun?  Oh look, his poker buddy's back!) yet I couldn't even begin to guess what will actually take place.  Kudos to those trailer makers, because I'm officially pumped.  (For any unfortunate souls out there who missed it, here you go.)

Now onto the news that almost completely nullified my excitement over the last two reports (brace yourselves, here comes the full-on rant): Judd Apatow, in his infinite wisdom, is producing a movie that will star Sacha Baron Cohen (better known as Borat) and Will Ferrell as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, respectively.  All I can say to that is WHAT THE HELL?!  Honestly, were the casting people trying to piss off Sherlock Holmes fans?  Because if so, congratulations, I don't think there are any two actors (and I'm using the term loosely here) that could be worse for the parts.  I was already terrified that Guy Ritchie was going to cast Jason Statham as Holmes in his own project, but at this point I'll welcome that criminally-inclined pretty boy with open arms over Talladega Nights 2.

Granted, Cohen could at least look a little like Holmes, but this beloved character is known for his wit and subtle genius.  I don't think even the most extreme Cohen fan could argue that the man is subtle.  And Will Ferrell??  That choice is even more infuriating.  He hasn't had a decent movie (or a different character) since Stranger Than Fiction and, hate to say it, but from the looks of Step Brothers, it doesn't look like he'll be making a glorious comeback anytime soon.  True, he was surprisingly calm in Fiction, but having another outrageous comedian competing alongside him for audience attention is only going to make him more irritating and obnoxious.

Poor, poor Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  Thank goodness he isn't alive to see this.  Unfortunately, I am, so excuse me while I go cry.

The Quintessential College Movies That Aren't Really about College

There are some things you just can't avoid in college.  While beer pong and The Dave Matthews Band are probably the most inescapable, I've realized that there are even certain movies you're bound to end up watching at some point during those four years.  Since my penchant for lists must be clear by now, follow me as I discuss the most unavoidable (for better or worse) college movies.

1.  Fight Club (1999)

Despite the fact that Fight Club's most ardent fans are probably those in their mid- to late-teens, it is actually possible to avoid seeing this in high school.  In fact, after my first time watching it (in the midst of my senior year), I had a pretty hard time finding someone to discuss it with.  But once your failure to see it becomes known on a college campus, you might go one more hour without this apparent sin being rectified.  So why is it so popular?  The fact that it is arguably Brad Pitt's best role (and that he's shirtless and buff for a good deal of it) has a lot to do with it.  Ed Norton also has a pretty big collegiate following.  But it's probably that huge WTF? ending that makes watching it, often more than once, such a necessity.  

2.  Garden State (2004)

Who would've thought that Scrubs's most cheerful manboy, Dr. John Dorian, had so many inner demons?  Certainly not most of Zach Braff's pre-established fans.  The sheer surprise at his oh-so-artsy tribute to New Jersey might explain some of the interest it it, but really we all know that the soundtrack is what made this movie so popular.  It almost single-handedly launched the career of The Shins and made "Such Great Heights" a new favorite song of teens and countless commercials alike.

3.  Almost Famous (2000)

I was most surprised to discover that this was such a college must-see, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.  First and foremost, it pays homage to '70s rock 'n roll, a genre rivaled perhaps only by the bro music of Jack Johnson and Co. as the most preferred of college students.  Secondly, it laces this music into a sweet coming-of-age tale featuring a blend of wonderful under-the-radar actors and NBC's comedy line-up (including Rainn Wilson as a Rolling Stone editor.  If you didn't notice it the first time, rewatch it!  Trust me, seeing Dwight Schrute in a curly '70s fro and equally amusing outfit is so worth it).  You really have to wonder why Kate Hudson doesn't make movies like this anymore...  

  

4.  Pulp Fiction (1994)

This one's kind of a no-brainer.  It's got cult figure Samuel L.  "Motherfucking Snakes" Jackson as the ultimate badass, paired with the quirky choice of John "Grease Lightening" Travolta in one crazy bloody (hot? tranny?) mess of a movie.  The dialogue is offbeat, the sequences memorable, and structure as non-linear as you can get, making it the perfect companion to the equally offbeat, memorable (and regarding our recollections of some particularly inebriated nights, non-linear) college experience.

      

5.  At Least Two "Classic" Will Ferrell Comedies  

You're bound to get introduced to a few new comedians while at college, but it would seem that Will Ferrell is the most universal fail-safe.  Which is why I think it's safe to say you'll have to watch not just one, but two (or, depending on the crowd, closer to twenty-two) of his movies.  It's a bit unfair to call Wedding Crashers a Will Ferrell movie, considering he's barely in it, so I'd bet that those two choices are going to be the middle-aged, contemporary retelling of Animal House, Old School, and what is probably Ferrell's Citizen Kane, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.  If you're looking for a little-seen toned-down Ferrell though (contrary to popular belief, it does exist), definitely check out Stranger Than Fiction, or Dick for all you history nerds out there (despite its X-rated title, it's a Watergate spoof, with Ferrell as Bob Woodward).