Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: John Cusack

Before I get to the second installment of "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally," I thought I'd mention a few things. First: the Emmy people actually (sorta) listened to me! I was happy enough that Elisabeth Moss, Jane Krakowski and -- although they weren't on my official list -- Tracy Morgan and Jack MacBrayer made it. But the Emmy people didn't stop there. Jon Hamm got not one, but two Emmy nods! I guess the voters loved his turn as the too-pretty-for-his-own-good Dr. Drew Baird just as much as I did. If only he could have been nominated for his completely deserving SNL hosting gig, too. Then again, three occasions to see his way too handsome face on the five-way-split screen? He might have caused another plane crash.

As much as I enjoyed those Emmy choices, there was one glaring error that has not stopped bothering me. How the hell did Jemaine Clement get a nod for Flight of the Conchords while his partner in crime Bret McKenzie got nothing? As Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler would say...really? You finally decide to nominate Flight of the Conchords, after a significantly weaker season, but you can only spare one nod for lead actor? Charlie Sheen and Tony Shaloub made the cut again, but Bret couldn't? Are you trying to make this lovable duo hate each other? If you make Bret cry (and it hasn't just been raining on his face), I swear to god, I will sick Albi the Racist Dragon and a pack of epileptic dogs on your sorry ass.

Anyway, back to someone who needs a little more attention: John Cusack. The man whom Chuck Klosterman claims any woman born between the years of 1965 and 1978 would "sell her soul to share a milkshake with" has been suffering a pretty lackluster career lately. His last string of movies -- including The Contract, Igor, Martian Child, Grace Is Gone and War, Inc. -- all bombed or disappointed. His next big movie is the disaster epic 2012, which looks pretty craptastic. The last genuinely amazing movie of his I've seen was back in 2000 (though 2003's Identity was enjoyable) and the last movie of his that people truly cared about was in 2001. What happened to the former '80s heartthrob turned interesting and/or charming leading man?

Truth be told, John Cusack has always been a little hit or miss when it comes to his script choices. Looking at his IMDB filmography, there's a startling mixture of movies I liked or at least recognize (High Fidelity, Being John Malkovich, Grosse Point Blank, etc.) and movies even the Internet has largely forgotten (I'm unconvinced that This Is My Father and The Jack Bull are actual movies). I guess Cusack's precarious track record was finally compromised. Mid-life crisis? Bad agent? Who knows, but he needs to fix it.

Luckily, this is one "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally" that has a (likely) happy ending. And it's all thanks to four magical words: Hot Tub Time Machine. I'm not talking about my ideal mode of time travel transportation -- I'm talking about a movie. A 100% real movie, starring John Cusack, called Hot Tub Time Machine. Now, instinct tells me that this will be the greatest movie ever made, but reason (that dumb whore) tells me that this could end up being a moronic bore rather than campy excellence. So I'm not going to close Cusack's file just yet, but he's one of the few "ATNTBSFTP" cases I'm optimistic about.

Besides, even if Hot Tub Time Machine ends up bombing, it's nice to see John Cusack returning to his '80s roots. I said it once and I'll say it again: whoever says Say Anything... is Cusack's best '80s movie has clearly never seen Better Off Dead. For evidence, see below.

The Emmy Ballot of Champions, Part 2

Since the actual Emmy nominations come out in, oh, two days, I thought I should finally get around to that part two I promised so long ago. The reason I put it off so long was that I realized something quickly after starting it: I have no clue what I'm talking about. Supporting actors are easier because there are lots of shows with strong ensembles or that you mainly watch for one actor (like NPH -- the 09 Emmy host! Someone finally listened to me). But lead actors are harder. I mean, honestly, does anyone watch one of the female-centric comedies not starring Tina Fey?

Some of these choices are subsequently going to be a little ridiculous and desperate, but I do have one or two pet causes that need to be represented. So let's get down to it.

BEST LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Jon Hamm - Mad Men

Did you really expect me to ignore Jon Hamm after my already shameless display of Mad Men love? (Don't worry, there's still more coming.) As usual, Don Draper continued to blow me away anytime he said anything, and puzzle me to no end. The awesome thing about this character is that you can think he's a loathsome womanizer -- and he is -- but you can also find yourself doing fist pumps when he says things like, "I don't have a contact" (just typing it gets me excited). The California stuff this past season could have easily gone awry, but Hamm predictably made it bizarrely fascinating. Damn him and his lethal combination of genuine talent, good looks and - gasp! - a sense of humor.

Bryan Cranston - Breaking Bad

This is one of those cop-out choices I mentioned. I've only seen the first three episodes of Breaking Bad, so I'm in absolutely no position to campaign for Cranston. But I liked those episodes, and have an undying loyalty towards AMC for airing Mad Men and movies like Commando, so why not? His cancer clearly progressed this season, so there was probably some dramatic stuff going down, which I'd imagine he handled well. I'll get back to you next month, when I swear I'm going to catch up with this show. (Along with about five others. Oy vey.)

BEST LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

January Jones - Mad Men

Okay, this really is it. John Slattery isn't going to pop up unexpectedly, I swear. As much as I truly believe that Hamm, Hendricks and Moss deserve nods, this was an incredible season for Jones. MM creator Matthew Weiner (that brilliant, brilliant man) said it best: where season one Betty was a docile child, season two Betty was a rebellious teenager. Don's infidelity, boozing and overall neglect finally got to her and we got some pretty surprising moments from suburbia's Grace Kelly. Like, for instance, the scene following this screenshot. As the Ashleys from Recess would say: scandalous!

Glenn Close - Damages

I have not seen a single episode of Damages. Not even a minute of one. But Glenn Close is awesome, and somehow did not get an Oscar for Dangerous Liaisons. Hence, she is included.

So...how about that bunny scene in Fatal Attraction? Pretty freaky, huh? Michael Douglas is kind of a jerk in that movie, though. Everyone seems to forget that since she's so batshit crazy. What do you think that says about --

Oh thank god. I've filled up enough space to stop babbling.

BEST LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Steve Carell - The Office

This man does not have an Emmy. To borrow a phrase from Gay Perry, how in pluperfect hell is that possible? Though the last two seasons of The Office have been questionable, Steve Carell has never once slipped. He continues to deliver as Michael Scott, whose unbelievable social ineptitude is matched only by his surprising humanity. Michael is probably the toughest character to play not only on The Office but most current sitcoms, yet the Emmys have overlooked Carell's genius in favor of Ricky Gervais and Alec Baldwin. I won't argue that Gervais isn't also astoundingly uncomfortable in Extras, but I'm pretty freakin' sick of the fawning over Baldwin. He's good on 30 Rock, but honestly, he's not a god. Steve Carell, on the other hand, just might be.

Lee Pace - Pushing Daisies

Oh, Lee Pace. What am I going to do without you? While the Pushing Daisies supporting cast is hilarious (see part 1), you stand for everything that is adorable, endearing and sweet about the show. There's no way to make this not sound cheesy, so I'm just going for it: you are its heart. And I love you for that, as well as so many other things. Including but not limited to that time you dressed as a cowboy.

Zach Braff - Scrubs

After the travesty that was season seven of Scrubs, I was relieved that they got another shot to end things right. Still, I was skeptical that the show could regain the greatness that has made its reruns a staple of Comedy Central. But boy did it ever. The season ender (which is the last episode of the show for me) was perfection. And while we have to thank Sarah Chalke, Donald Faison, Judy Reyes, John C. McGinley, Neil Flynn, Ken Jenkins and Bill Lawrence (whew!) for that, Zach Braff is and always has been the show's strongest player. His willingness to be the butt of every joke and complete abandon when it comes to JD's fantasies make him one of sitcoms' most likeable stars. It's kinda ridiculous that he's only been nominated once for this show. Emmy people, fix that. It's the only way we'll get him to keep doing comedy and stop doing Garden State offshoots. You won't like him when he's indie.

BEST LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Tina Fey - 30 Rock

I'm not even going to put another BS candidate in here to beef up the category. This is Tina Fey's slot, and it's just plain silly to argue with her over it. Besides, how can you begrudge her a nod? She gave us so much -- Liz's sex line commercial, an inspired Muppet impression and the return of jury duty-evading Princess Leia. On top of that, she brought Jon Hamm on for a three episode arc. As you can imagine, my poor brain is still recovering from the levels of awesomeness in those installments, especially those in "The Bubble."

Overhead on the Metro, Transformers Edition

Today, in the midst of one of the most frustrating Metro rides of my life, I eavesdropped on a conversation that both destroyed and restored my faith in teenage boys. As you may have guessed, it concerned Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the latest Michael Bay fiasco that took $201 million in its first five days. Sadly, I'd gotten used to boys automatically dubbing it the best movie ever, but then I heard this exchange. I was astonished to find one boy voicing my exact (and extremely negative) opinion* to his enthusiastic friend. Don't worry though, his assclown buddy more than balances out the hope I gleamed from this:

Boy #1 (who will henceforth be referred to as "common sense"): ...maybe catch a movie on the way back. Just not Transformers 2, 'cause that was crap.

Boy #2 (who will henceforth be referred to as "fuckface"): Dude don't say that! I really wanna see it!

Common Sense: Well I guess if you go in with really low expectations, you'll like it.

Fuckface: Okay, but it's got Megan Fox, so it can't be that bad.

Common Sense: C'mon man, you need to have a certain amount of...I don't know, talent?

Fuckface: Whatever, dude. It's got Megan Fox and robots beating the shit out of each other. Plus the first one was amazing.

Common Sense: If these train doors were open, I would push you out right now. It's people like you that keep Michael Bay in business.

Fuckface: I don't even know who the fuck that is. Besides, okay, so I read that all the critics, like, hate it, right?

Common Sense: Yes, I am one of those critics.

Fuckface: Right, but all the normal people -- like me -- and not the elitists...well, no, you're not elite, but all the average people thought it was alright. And there are way more of us than there are of you.

At this point, my memory of the conversation ends. I can't decide if either: a) common sense had to sadly acknowledge that fuckface was right -- there are many more idiots like him than there are "elitists," b) I withdrew my attention to suppress laughter over fuckface's complete misunderstanding of the word "elitist" or c) I had to stop myself from slapping fuckface. Either way, that was it. I decided to share it because it actually perfectly sums up Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. As much as common sense tells us it's crap, there are plenty of fuckfaces that love explosions and hot, stupid girls. So many, in fact, that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen almost broke The Dark Knight's opening box office. Yep, Heath Ledger's iconic (not really) last performance was almost overshadowed by a robot named Bumblebee.

You'd think I'd be more depressed by this, but with only two more weeks 'til (500) Days of Summer, nothing's going to get me down. Speaking of which, watch the trailer right now if you haven't already. It looks a lot like Annie Hall, only without the annoying presence of Woody Allen. (Translation: incredible!)

Before you say it's too indie, I present two facts: it has the never-too-much-anything-except-awesome Joe G-L and features a Hall & Oates song in its trailer. So shut up.

*Disclaimer: Though I have sat through Transformers, I haven't actually seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I know it's a little unfair for me to bash a movie I haven't even watched, but I feel like there are certain movies that are so awful, you get a free ride. I mean, c'mon, how many people saw Gigli? That doesn't stop the other 324901740917234 non-viewers from making fun of it.

The Emmy Ballot of Champions

Yes, I know, that says Emmy. Not Oscar or Golden Globe, Emmy. I've been trying to stick to movie topics, but Emmy nomination season makes it really tough. I'm forced to sit helpless as various commentators pick the nominees and mystical, unpredictable voters actually decide them. I was in the middle of sulking when I remembered, "Hey! I have a blog, like thousands of other losers, that ten people read. I can make a difference!" So I decided to make my own Emmy ballot, though really it's more of an extended FYC post. Thing is, I don't see nearly enough TV to make a fair ballot, so instead I honor the following actors because they're awesome. You'll notice some show biases, but hey, we've all got them. Plus that just means you should really get into these shows. 

I know you may be wary of my opinion, as I've yet to prove myself as any kind of TV (pseudo-)authority, so I'll just put this out there: I have an amazing track record of converting people to my shows. I'm probably at least somewhat responsible for 1/3 of my high school's The Office-watching population, and just this year I bagged four Mad Men enthusiasts. It may be that, like Andy Bernard, I possess the ability to slowly -- and painfully -- wear someone down, but I'd like to think that I have good taste in TV. So hopefully you'll bear with me on this break with blog tradition, for I'm proud to present KMDB's 2009 (kind of) Emmy ballot!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Neil Patrick Harris - How I Met Your Mother

Neil Patrick Harris, or NPH as he is affectionately known, is pretty much perfection personified. (How do you like that alliteration?) He's not only musically and magically talented, but unbelievably funny. And I mean unbelievably. Just listening to Barney's excited giggle in "Sorry, Bro" had me dying, so let's not even get started on the Naked Man or his depicted rave outfit. I know I've previously declared Dev Patel the world's most adorable person, but NPH is a very close second -- even when he's playing the world's biggest skeeze.

Chi McBride - Pushing Daisies

It isn't easy being a gruff PI in such whimsical outfits. I mean, shit, Chuck Bass would envy some of this guy's patterns (though Chuck still holds the distinction of creating what I desperately hope is the new official uniform of the NBA). That said, Chi McBride makes it work. He's a necessary and wonderful foil against all the chipper Pushing Daisies characters who still has his fair share of aww moments. For evidence, see the entire "Water and Power" episode. He's just a big teddy bear! In all honesty though, two of the things I'll miss most about this tragically deceased show are his antagonistic relationship with Dead Girl and hearing the name Emerson Cod enunciated with relish by Jim Dale.

Honorable Mention: Bill Hader for Saturday Night Live 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Michael Emerson - Lost

Because it's been four seasons, and I still never know what the hell Ben is up to. He tricks me into thinking he might not be pure evil every damn time. Also, as Dan Hopper at the Best Week Ever blog points out, he got beat up a lot this year. The least we can do is give him an Emmy.

Jeremy Davies/Terry O'Quinn/Josh Holloway - Lost

Clearly I don't watch as many dramas as comedies. Still, each of these guys had dynamic seasons. Sawyer shaved and lost some sass, Daniel Faraday manically tried to fix the island's time jumping and Locke dealt with that whole being dead thing. None easy tasks, but these three excelled. As much as I'm pulling for them though, I would be happy with any nods for the exceptional Lost cast. That even includes the non-stop bitchfest that is Matthew Fox.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Kristin Chenoweth - Pushing Daisies

The picture says it all. While the Pushing Daisies cast is far from weak, Kristin Chenoweth is hands down the funniest of the bunch. Whether hanging out in a nunnery, pondering Ned's use of the double negative or singing "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie, she always finds a way to make you smile...even when she's pitifully pining over Ned.

Jane Krakowski - 30 Rock

Alright, confession time: it took me a very long time to get into 30 Rock. Even after the entire first season I still wasn't completely sold, but I was always a fan of the supporting cast, especially Jane Krakowski. In fact, the first time I really remember laughing was when Jenna told Liz how she was going to "use her sexuality" to evade unemployment.  This season was probably her best yet, and she was the star of my favorite subplot: the disastrous Janis Joplin biopic (eventually dubbed "Jackie Jormp-Jormp" due to copyright issues). Her delusions and desperation were as wild and hysterical as ever, as evidenced by...well, here, see for yourself:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Elisabeth Moss - Mad Men

Many people maintain that Elisabeth Moss got her SAG nomination solely for her emotional scene with Vincent Kartheiser in the Mad Men season two finale. That mesmerizing encounter may be enough to clinch her an Emmy nod, but her amazing work all season long makes it a near necessity. Though each and every Mad Men character is endlessly fascinating, Peggy is probably the most interesting one (well, apart from Don Draper, of course). I’m never quite sure what’s going on in her head. This season put her in a bunch of unusual situations, ranging from a promotion to some ambiguous encounters with a priest (no, not in that way). Moss rose to the occasion in each of them, channeling everything from shame to smug satisfaction to barely restrained devastation.

Christina Hendricks - Mad Men

I know, I know. Two Mad Men shout-outs in a row? Seems like overkill, especially after my Lost double-header. Trust me though, this show really is as incredible as all the critics say. What especially impresses me is the great roles this show writes for women, and the remarkable actresses who embody them. Joan has always been a character whose confidence and -- let's be honest -- bitchiness was just fun to watch, yet she showed a completely different side this season in light of her engagement. I don't want to spoil anything, so I'll just say this: Joan's most crucial scene this season makes Peggy's tearjerker look like a picnic in the park.

Look out for part 2, featuring the lead actors, sometime in the not-so-distant future!

Shutter Island: Yet Another Reason for My Declining Mental Health

No, no, no, no, NO! I can't take this anymore! Enough, Hollywood! Enough with the awesome movies that are literally driving me insane. I was already up to Annie Wilkes mode because of Sherlock Holmes and now you drop the Shutter Island trailer on my lap. Seriously, are you trying to drive me to full-on Norman Bates craziness? Robert Downey, Jr. as Sherlock Holmes is more than enough to occupy the rest of my year, but now I've got another Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese movie to deal with. You realize that I love them both to pieces? And that each of their movies together has been better than the one before? Logic dictates that Shutter Island will be better than The Departed. Let me repeat that: better than The Departed. Only one of my favorite movies of all time, and Leonardo DiCaprio's career best. Plus you've gone and thrown Jackie Earle Haley into the mix. Honestly, stop fucking with my mind. The guy who stole Watchmen and Little Children is in this movie. With Leonardo DiCaprio. And directed by Martin Scorsese.

What's next? Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Kate Winslet, James McAvoy, Cate Blanchett and Lee Pace in a movie by the reanimated corpse of Alfred Hitchcock? (Dear lord, don't even put that cast together. It will start with me laughing maniacally and end with an even more twisted version of A Clockwork Orange.) 

Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally: Wes Bentley

Hello again, my dear readers. Today I write the first installment of a new recurring series I like to call "Actors That Need to Be Saved from Themselves, Professionally." In each new post, I will detail the tragic downfall of some truly talented actor's career. I'm not interested in their personal lives here, just the awful movies that blemish their resumes. Originally this was going to be a single post, but seeing as there are so many actors in need of saving nowadays, I thought I should expand the project. Let's take a look at our first case...

Ask anyone to name the first thing that comes to mind when you say American Beauty, and he or she will probably respond with, “That beautiful creep with the plastic bag!”  That beautiful creep would be none other than Wes Bentley. You’d think that after creating such a compelling and slightly unsettling character this guy would have a lot of great roles ahead of him. Not so. He’s only appeared in 13 movies since American Beauty – which was 10 years ago – and they include such illustrious titles as The White River Kid and Ghost Rider. That’s right, Wes Bentley has stooped to starring with the very bane of my existence, Nicolas Cage. People say that he’s notoriously picky when it comes to choosing scripts, but if so, poor Wes doesn’t seem to have a shred of common sense. What on earth made him think that a movie with Ray Romano (The Last Word) was a solid decision?

Perhaps more disappointing than his costars is his long list of crappy horror movies. Stuff like P2 isn't just painful to watch, it practically betrays what Wes was all about in the early days. See, the great thing about Ricky from American Beauty is that you have such a hard time telling whether he’s actually a freakish psychopath or just misunderstood. Playing a straight-up slasher really takes away from what Wes accomplished with that role, especially when it’s in a movie about a freakin’ parking garage.

Is it too late to stick him in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland? He could fit in so easily, it's not even funny. If he wants to avoid being typecast as the weirdo though, how about the Fahrenheit 451 remake? Guy Montag is a pretty interesting character, and trying out a new genre (sci-fi) might do Wes some good.

I know I’m investing a lot in a guy who was in one movie I liked, but he had such a promising start. That’s why pictures like this just kill me. There’s Wes, so close to a good movie yet so far away.

Confession: I Am a Lying Whore (for Andy "Motherlover" Samberg)

As some of you may recall, last year I wrote a pretty nasty post about the MTV Movie Awards in which I essentially declared them dead to me. Well apparently I have no convictions whatsoever, because at 9 pm last night I found myself transfixed on this joke of an awards show once again.

See, I wasn't counting on MTV to pull the Andy Samberg card. Those bastards must have known that I would follow him to the ends of the earth, singing Iran So Far Away and the Awesometown intro until I collapsed from heat exhaustion and/or severe frostbite. All it took was Andy, and just like that I was back to a show that insists that Twilight is a better movie than The Dark Knight, Iron Man and Slumdog Millionaire. 

Horrible? Yes. An absolute travesty? Duh. Yet I knew Twilight was going home with the gold. Anyone who has ever watched MTV should have. But just because I had to watch them present golden popcorn to people who destroy my faith in humanity didn't mean I wasn't going to laugh.

And so laugh I did. It wasn't as funny as it could have been, but my love for Andy Samberg has in no way diminished. His intro had some great moments, including Aziz Ansari making the Spocks cry like little bitches, Andy and his buddy Justin Timberlake having an awkward encounter and Andy insisting "No, you're the a-hole" to President Barack Obama. The ensuing monologue could've used a little work, but let's be real: it would've been legen- wait for it- dary if the notoriously broody Robert Pattinson had *actually* put his hands up for playing Edward Cullen. Have a sense of humor, Pattsy. Half of the world is laughing at you already.

Next, some awards were given out. Eminem performed. I didn't care. Then came something magical. Something that all those stupid Samberg critics should take a good hard look at. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Explosions":

Where do I even begin? The whole concept is genius, first of all. Andy's outfit is also a win. Will Ferrell...was alright I guess. Not gratingly annoying like he usually is nowadays, so he's got that going for him. And that keyboard solo? My opinion of J.J. Abrams just went from "he's a moderately cool guy" to "OMJJ can we please hang out and be best friends for life??" 

The rest of the show never really matched that level of awesomeness, but Andy still had some tricks up his sleeve. My second favorite was probably his Doubt Digital Short, complete with video game action so good it's sacrilegious...and Kiv!

Obviously if Andy's Lonely Island partners had been more involved, the show would have been more consistently hilarious. There was definitely a Jorma deficiency. Seeing him weep after Forest Whitaker, Leann Rimes and Chris Isaak's take on some of the Dudes' greatest hits was definitely not enough. I mean, I was practically crying after that awful display. The concept has worked before (see Josh Groban in "I'm F**king Ben Affleck") but you DO NOT let Leann Rimes mess with "Jizz in My Pants." You just don't. It could have been funny if she and her cohorts were backing up normal performances by the Lonely Island, but this so-called tribute was just bad. I was a little less angry at Forest Whitaker, though. He was kinda amusing, and still has about 500 Last King of Scotland points, as well as 5 million "Blame It" points, to use up before he's on my bad side.

I end this recap with an earnest plea to movie executives: make Andy's proposed project Driving Miss Daisy: The Early Years, starring Leighton Meester and Lil' Wayne, a reality. You probably think I'm greedy after the announcement that Ed Westwick will play Heathcliff in a new Wuthering Heights, but we all need this. If anything can bring about world peace, it's a movie where Lil' Wayne drives Blair Waldorf around in her limo. You better believe there would be an original KMDB movie poster if I actually had PhotoShop. Until that wonderful day comes, I leave some visual aids for your imagination/consideration.

Think about it.