The Obligatory [Pre-]Oscar Post

C’mon, you knew this was coming sooner or later. I blog about movies; you can’t expect me to snub the Oscars, even if they've snubbed the likes of Cary Grant and Stanley freakin' Kubrick.

*Deep breath* I digress. The Oscar nominations come out in just three more days and before they’re released, I wanted to share a sort of wishlist with all of you, and the Academy, who I’m sure bookmarked this blog long ago. Some of the items on here are, well, a little improbable but it's Martin Luther King Day and dammit, I have a dream!

I don't really know how I can top that horrible reference, so without further ado, I present my Oscar wishlist:

1. A complete Benjamin Button shut-out

Am I the only one who thought this movie was an absolute disaster? Almost anyone who’s seen it will say “It was a little too long…” but no one has the guts to speak the truth: it was crap. It pains me to admit this as a Cate Blanchett fanatic, but the characters (even hers) were bland and the story was a mess – one of the most superficial that I’ve ever seen (bet you thought that stupid backwards clock, or Hurricane Katrina tie-in, was going to go somewhere but nope sorry! We were too busy adding 43598743895 other underdeveloped and boring storylines to flesh that out). I will grant that the visuals were stunning, which is why I won’t get grumpy over an Art Direction win, but please for the love of God do not let this movie get a Best Picture nod (or even worse, win) over its far more deserving competitors. Which brings me to my second point…

2. Some Revolutionary Road love

First of all, let me say that I had to work to see this movie. I have no idea why the distributors decided to put a Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet movie in five theaters across the nation, but they did and it was pretty frustrating. It would be very easy for me to have some mild, irrational resentment towards Revolutionary Road because of the inconvenience, but I have none at all; I absolutely loved it. The movie was devastating and haunting, the questions it raised were complex and interesting and Kate and Leo gave two enthralling performances. So why oh why is it being almost completely overlooked? I truly believe it merits Best Picture and Best Director nods, but I can deal with those snubs, even though I’m seething that Benjamin Button will probably get both. It’s nothing sort of criminal, however, that Leo is almost certainly going to be ignored (yet again). If Brad “so dull I considered tearing my hair out to spice things up” Pitt gets the slot over Leo, I will be sorely disappointed. And by sorely disappointed, I mean I might punch a hole in a wall.

3. A nod for Robert Downey, Jr. in Tropic Thunder

Argue the movie’s weaknesses with me all you want, but Robert Downey, Jr. absolutely deserves a nomination for Tropic Thunder. What he pulled off was nothing sort of genius. A lesser actor would no doubt have inspired enormous public outrage, but he turned the role into one of the most hilarious in recent memory, and kept it controversy-free. He gave a quote to Entertainment Weekly in March of ’08 that pretty much sums the whole thing up (leave it to him to do everything right): “If [the part is] done right, it could be the type of role you called Peter Sellers to do 35 years ago. If you don’t do it right, we’re going to hell.” Robert, needless to say you are definitely not going to hell. (You're going to comedy heaven! High five, anyone?)

4. Slumdog Millionaire Best Picture win

Having seen all the major BP contenders, (excepting longshot The Wrestler), I’m officially pulling for Slumdog Millionaire. It’s not only one of the most inspiring movies I’ve seen in years, it’s just a wonderfully made film that deserves every one of its accolades. Now, I wouldn’t be outraged if Milk pulled an upset and took the prize, but Slumdog is still my number one and, from the way the awards season has been going, it may very well receive this honor. Lest you doubt its merit, I dare you to watch this and not hand over the award right away (if you haven't seen the movie, though, start it at about 1:07):

5. More Ricky Gervais

Let’s see: he was hilarious at the Emmys, hilarious at the Golden Globes and is generally a hilarious guy. It still mystifies me that Hugh Jackman and not Ricky is hosting the Oscars, but I’ll settle for another one of his amusing award presentations.

Oh right, and give Kate Winslet a damn Oscar!

Why "Commando" Is the Greatest Movie Ever

I used to think of myself as a semi-authority (let me repeat semi-authority) on movies, but boy was I ever delusional. Disregard everything I've ever said about them, because I hadn't realized their full potential until a few days ago, when I watched Commando. 

What is Commando you ask? Well, as my post title indicates, it's only the most amazing cinematic achievement ever. It's also a 1985 action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and teeny Alyssa Milano as an inseparable father and daughter named John and Jenny Matrix (wait, it gets better). When some baddies (including Ahnold's former military partner!) kidnap the little girl, John Matrix goes on a freakin' rampage and KILLS THEM ALL. And when I say rampage, I don't mean a wussy Mark Wahlberg rampage or a pansy Bruce Willis shoot-out. You would get pretty hammered if you took a shot every time John Matrix kills someone, with or without a gun. And by hammered, I mean you would OD. Since everyone should see this movie ASAP, I've compiled a list of 15 reasons why Commando beats the crap out of Citizen Kane:

1. The fantastic, never-ending synth music.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s muscles.
3. John Matrix’s puns, including but not limited to “Please don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired,” and “I eat Green Berets for breakfast.  And right now, I’m very hungry!”
4. The theme song “We Fight for Love” by POWER STATION (yes, the all caps are necessary).
5. John Matrix’s kill count: 81.
6. The fact that John Matrix’s swim wear is a black Speedo.
7. The most ridiculous explosion sequence I’ve ever seen, which, my friends noted, must have been Michael Bay’s career inspiration.

8. John Matrix’s minimalist comebacks.

9. The way John Matrix wills things to work for him, like a flipped car…or choppa!

10. The villainous Bennett’s insistence on wearing chainmail.

11. Two words: war paint.
12. The opening credits of John and Jenny Matrix eating ice cream, petting a deer, fishing...Arnold can be sensitive too!
13. The magical backroom of guns and rocket launchers John Matrix happens upon.
14. The inclusion of the country of Val Verde, a made-up South American nation similar to Cuba and Nicaragua that moviemakers used to avoid diplomatic complications in not just Commando but Predator and Die Hard 2.  

And finally,

15. The line “I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes…I’m going to shoot you between the balls!”  

More Angry Movie-Themed Poetry!

Before I get to that promised poetry, I was just wondering if anyone else was as excited as me for the new Clint Eastwood movie. No, not Gran Torino, silly. The eerily similar but ultimately more effective display of Eastwood's talents, The Growler.

Clint Eastwood in The Growler - watch more funny videos

See why I can't take him seriously anymore?

Now, onto the real point of this post. So I know I'm going to get accused of being a fangirl (or at the very least an unoriginal blogger) for this, but I'm pretty freakin' pissed at Fox right now. I've been going out of my mind with excitement each time I see a trailer for Watchmen (which is a lot), find a new film still or read even the teeniest blurb about it, and now I might not ever get to see it. That is not healthy, Fox. All that pent up excitement and no pay-off? I might spontaneously combust. And it would be all your fault. 

All. Your. Fault.

Since I can't pull off an angry dance quite as well as Kevin Bacon, or even Bret McKenzie, I turn to angsty poetry once again. The following is as of yet untitled, and may not live up to Ode to Nicolas Cage, but here goes nothing (please bear with me on the weird formatting; I had a couple one-word danglers, and graphics class has made me OCD about that):

Fox, you really suck. / If you were a food, the only word to describe you would be yuck. / You make me want to say something else that rhymes / With suck and yuck many, many times.

Why did you wait so long to sue over Watchmen? / Correct me if I'm wrong when / I say that - you'll know this you're so bright - / You're something called a movie studio, right?

Yeah, movie studios tend to know about this stuff. / Passing projects like the WB's under your radar is pretty tough, / Especially when it's been widely publicized since December 2005. / Were you too busy making Dr. Doolittle 3 to pay any mind?

This makes me think you don't really have a claim, / 'Cause see, most people, with or without your fame, / Tend to watch their property, rather than wait years to moan and groan / About a sure to be stunning movie they were too stupid to make on their own.

You took away Arrested Development, one of the greatest shows ever / While making Date Movie, Epic Movie and other terrible endeavors. / So please back off Warner Bros. you low-down dirty ho, / Or next time you look up and shout "save us," I'll whisper hell no.  

A Perfect Day Composed of Movie Scenes

Oh man. I just had to change my tagline to "the ravings of a mildly obsessive 19-year-old cinephile." I know I'm the baby of my group of friends, but I feel kinda old.

Anyway, I have a pretty spectacular post for you guys today, though I can't take credit for the awesome idea behind it. One of imdb's daily links back in the summer was to a blog called Misfortune Cookie, which featured the blogger's perfect day, made up of movie scenes. I had started coming up with one of my own, but gave up after making it halfway through. Then I forgot about it. Until now! Keep in mind that what I ended up with was a vague interpretation of the concept; some of the scenes are not featured exactly as they appear in the movie. Also, I gave myself a job as a convenient story device. And now, I am proud to present my movie-inspired fantasy day, which is likely to scare you all with its length and detail...

My day would start off with me waking up from a wonderful dream a lot like the amazingly absurd half of Big Fish.  I would check my mailbox only to discover that someone had stuffed it with orange Tic-Tacs.  Armed with fresh breath and an outfit somewhat inspired by Audrey Hepburn's famous Breakfast at Tiffany's ensemble, I'd then take to the city streets.  Eventually I'd end up at my magazine job, where I'd swap fast talk with my editor, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Cary Grant from His Girl Friday.  It's soon time for lunch though, so I decide to steal Cameron's dad's car and zoom down the road to the Star Wars theme.  But oh no, some evil guys are after me!  Luckily, like Popeye Doyle in The French Connection, I know how to pull off an awesome car chase scene and lose them. However, I wreck the car in the process.  And who should pull up right then but Gregory Peck on a Vespa. Since I'm out of a mode of transportation and already dressed a little like Audrey Hepburn, I accept his offer for a ride and we tour the city.  We both have to get back to our journalistic jobs though, so he drops me off a few blocks from my office building.  

As I walk back to my job, I see Nicolas Cage trying to decode some historic monument, and I punch him in the face.

I'm really running late now, but notice Aldous Snow filming his music video for "We've Got to Do Something." How can I turn down the chance to hold up one of those hilarious contradictory messages of progress? I'm thinking mine says something like "Shun Ignorance" or "Don't Sell Your Soul; Lease It to the World." After avoiding Aldous's creepy advances, I rush back to work, but it's already closing time when I reach the building. It's a good thing Cary Grant likes me so much, or I'd be fired. Hold on, what's this? Is that a news team rumble I seem forming outside? Ron Burgundy and his friends mean business, but one look at my trident and they scatter (where I got a trident is not important).   

A beat-up yellow VW bus then pulls up, and I join the fantastically dysfunctional Hoover family.  After helping Dwayne deal with his teenage angst, motivating Olive and giving Frank a hug, I hop out in front of the courthouse, where I'm just in time to rule in favor of Ted Kramer for the custody battle (this is a fantasy - I can be a judge with absolutely no legal background if I want to). That last part may seem like an especially weird thing to include in my perfect day, and actually rewrites the entire scene, but anytime I get to make Dustin Hoffman happy is a good day for me.

The last significant thing I do during this ridiculous 24 hours is hit up a nearby concert, featuring a line-up of only the best movie bands ever.  The Blues Brothers, Sonic Death Monkey from High Fidelity, Billy Mack from Love Actually, Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band Solution (that may be TV, but how the hell can I not include it?) - they're all there.  After the outstanding show has ended, I head back to wherever it is I'm living and go to bed, exhausted from the day's action.

The Most Motivational Movie Mash-Up Ever

Winter break has finally arrived and so, just as I promised, I've returned to rant and rave about all things film. I have to admit, there were a few times when I thought I wouldn't make it back to you guys. Luckily though, I lived to blog another day and I couldn't be happier about it.

I know not all of you are finished with finals yet and could probably use a pep talk, so I thought it only appropriate to share with you on my first post back "40 Motivational Speeches In 2 Minutes," a fantastic mash-up courtesy of the equally fantastic Best Week Ever blog. And here's a challenge to distract you from all that studying: how many movies can you spot? I'm counting 35...though three of those are just really strong guesses, so actually 32. Okay, and for another three I can't specify which film in the trilogy so true guess is 29. But didn't 35 sound impressive?

Everybody Loves Gary and Other Random Hollywood Musings

In the increasingly divisive world of movies, I’ve discovered one universal truth: everyone loves Gary Oldman.  Seriously, even the people who don’t quite know who he is love him.  In my experience, the words “Gary Oldman” can’t be uttered in a sentence without “awesome,” “amazing” or “badass.”  No one hates him.  It isn’t like Shia LaBeouf where most people are just so happy for that goofy Even Stevens kid, or Philip Seymour Hoffman’s tiny but devoted cult of fans.  People young and old, male and female, with both excellent and questionable taste in movies adore this guy.  Were some freak with a passionate loathing for Mr. Oldman to actually emerge, I don’t see others being alarmed and offended as much as completely puzzled.  How can you hate someone so cool, talented, and sometimes even terrifying? 

Speaking of cool actors, I love Clive Owen.  The problem is I don’t always remember him.  By that I don’t mean I literally can’t place the name with the face, but rather I often forget about his existence.  See usually, I seek out a few movies by a certain actor after I’ve decided I like him or her.  But, except for Children of Men, every time I watched one of his movies, I thought “Hey, Clive Owen’s in this!” only after his face popped up on screen.  I really don’t understand this phenomenon; Clive’s so suave, tough and British (do you see why I was initially pissed that Daniel Craig and not Clive was the new Bond?).  If those traits aren’t memorable, what is?

Now for something topical.  The new Revolutionary Road trailer has to be the single most serious preview I’ve ever seen.  The music alone makes it unbelievably somber and foreboding, but this is one trailer where I can’t find a shred of silver lining in the clips.  The impression I’m getting is that, should you see this movie, expect to spend the rest of the day questioning your life’s happiness and alternatively sleeping and crying.  So can someone please tell me why I’m so excited for it?  Oh, right.  Leo and Kate and Sam Mendes.  In one movie.  Can I watch it now?  

Finally, why isn't Neil Patrick Harris in more movies? I've only seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and almost all of How I Met Your Mother, but already I can't get enough of him.  At least let him host the 2009 Emmys.  The show would be infinitely better than this year's nightmare.  'Cause you know, whenever Neil Patrick Harris feels like doing a soul-crushingly bad job at hosting, he is just awesome instead.  True story.

A Tale of Two Trailers

Wow.  That hiatus didn’t last long.

Now, before you all start your rowdy celebrations, keep in mind this isn’t going to be KMDB full throttle (and by that I in no way mean to associate myself with that weak Charlie’s Angels sequel).  I’ll still be writing shorter and infrequent posts, but consider me back in business.  I guess I just don’t know how to quit you guys.

That was terrible.  I apologize.

Anyway, my first order of business is to share a new(ish) trailer.  I was pretty shocked that I had managed to avoid news about this movie until now, but Rian Johnson, the writer and director of Brick, is coming out with a new film this December: The Brothers Bloom.  If you weren’t already excited for his follow-up (like me), his impressive cast may draw your attention.  The movie stars Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo as two con-men (and brothers) whose latest (and supposedly last) target is a kooky heiress, played by Rachel Weisz.  Rinko Kikuchi, of Babel fame, also stars as the brothers’ explosive expert Bang Bang.  The names alone had me psyched out of my mind, but it looks like a genuinely fun action adventure with a good bit of comedy mixed in.  And it releases just two days before my birthday, so to all of my Maryland friends: this is most likely what I’ll be dragging you to.

I was also fortunate enough to have attended a free advanced screening of Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist a few days ago.  Most of you probably know about my love for Michael Cera, so I may be biased, but I thought it was ridiculously adorable, and very funny.  The main cast does a great job on its own (Cera even manages to be a little more confident than usual), but also look out for some excellent cameos by a few SNL players.  Just in case you’ve somehow missed the trailer, here it is again.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead waiting in my DVD player.  Peace out, bean sprout.