Most Likely to Succeed...in Musicals

After recently posting about how adorable Dev Patel and Fred Astaire are, you'd think I'd try to tone down the toxic levels of girliness this blog currently boasts. Maybe talk about G.I. Joe (why Joseph Gordon-Levitt, why??) or just something that's neither excessively macho nor stereotypically feminine. 

But nope, it's back to what Fred does best: musicals! 

With the limited time the last couple weeks of the semester are affording me, my musical class screenings are basically the only movies I've been able to watch. I did get to see Casino though, which only confirmed my sneaking suspicion that Martin Scorsese is kind of a genius. Who else could fit this song into a gangster epic?

Wow I need some Adderral. Getting back on track, I wanted to share some of my favorite musical moments by offering high school superlatives to six numbers. I'm kind of ripping off Michelle Collins at the Best Week Ever blog with this post, but I only do it out of love for her wonderful awards show superlatives. Hopefully I'll do them some amount of justice.

Best Use of Christopher Walken: "Let's Misbehave" from Pennies from Heaven

That title might not be the most fitting - when is using Christopher Walken not great? - but this number gets props for showing Walken's unexpectedly remarkable dance skills. While most people were introduced to Walken's dancing through the Fatboy Slim video "Weapon of Choice" in 2001, he was dancing long before that. He actually trained in musical theater before tackling dramas, and returned to his roots in the 1981 Steve Martin musical Pennies from Heaven. Sadly we never get to hear Walken sing - all the characters lip synch to recordings - but he plays a pimp who dances phenomenally. That's good enough for me.

  

Most Precious: "Isn't This a Lovely Day (to Be Caught in the Rain)?" from Top Hat

Okay, we all know I love Fred Astaire. Here's one of the many reasons why:

Worst Acid Trip You'll Ever Experience: "The Polka Dot Polka" from The Gang's All Here

Even Hunter S. Thompson would be wary of whatever the hell Busby Berkeley was on when he conceived this number. Apparently the legendary choreographer/dance director got his best ideas in the bathtub drinking martinis, and it definitely shows in this unbelievably strange number, from the already strange movie The Gang's All Here. I don't think any context is necessary, because even having seen the rest of the movie I had no idea what was going on. So before I leave you to "The Polka Dot Polka," I will just warn anyone who might already be under the influence to stay away. This will not be a pleasant experience for you.

Least Homo-erotic: "The Pirate Ballet" from The Pirate

Just watch.

Well, before you do that move to the 3:45 mark. Stupid YouTube took down the separate "Pirate Ballet" video.

Innuendo-iest: "Take Off With Us" from All That Jazz

All That Jazz is about a flagrant womanizer named Joe Gideon, so it only makes sense that he would choreograph the double entendre-filled "Take Off With Us." The number is staged as a dress rehearsal for the musical's backers, and is followed by "Air-otica," a far less subtle number that essentially says "fuck it" to all innuendo. I prefer its predecessor, though I really enjoyed every part of the movie. Am I weird for liking a musical with costumes like this that unironically features John Lithgow? Probably.

All That Jazz also gets Best Ray Charles Pun for the finale "Bye Bye Life." As much as I like it, it's super long, bizarre and would make no sense out of context so I'm not posting it. Anyone dying to watch it can hit up YouTube.

Most Awe-Inspiring Pinstripes: "The Boy Next Door" from Meet Me in St. Louis

Okay, this superlative has more to do with costuming than anything else, but it's still a great number. I hadn't seen a Judy Garland movie besides The Wizard of Oz before this class, but having now seen Meet Me in St. Louis, The Pirate and A Star Is Born, she's one of my new favorites. It's a shame her tragic personal life often overshadows her talent, because she's an amazing singer, as seen in this and countless other numbers. Anyway, if you couldn't already figure it out from the title, Judy is in love with her next-door neighbor. She also rocks a white bowtie and awesome pinstriped tennis outfit. Aaaand go: 

Eat Your Heart Out, Andre Bazin!

Alright, I have a serious intellectual case to make here.  Based on the Oscars, I am now prepared to present a new film theory I've been working on for the past few months. I don't mean to brag, but I think it's going to shake Hollywood even more so than Laura Mulvey's "Visual Pleasure in Narrative Cinema" (score two gratuitous film class references). Okay, are you ready? Here it goes: there is no one on the planet more adorable than Dev Patel.

  

I know that might not sound like a big deal coming from me. I do spend an awful lot of time talking about how adorable certain actors are. But this subject is not up for debate. In fact, screw that "theory" bullshit, this is LAW. Doubt me? Here's the proof:

Exhibit A: He likes little kids in a non-creepy way.

Exhibit B: He wears sweater vests.

Exhibit C: This picture.

Seriously, when this guy starts getting mobbed by girls, I'm not even going to feel sorry for him. You brought this on your unbelievably cute self, Dev!

For all you fans out there (a.k.a. every girl that saw Slumdog), here's another ten solid minutes of adorableness:

P.S. Just so all of you who aren't quite as nerdy about movies as I am can appreciate how bombastic - I mean brilliant - my comparisons to other theorists are, here's Andre Bazin's wikipedia page, as well as Laura Mulvey's. 

The Obligatory [Post-]Oscar Post

I apologize that this post is so late, everyone. I know I probably sound extremely dated by this point, but on the off chance that you're reading this and either: a) didn't see the Oscars, b) did but still haven't tired from the coverage or c) specifically asked about my post-Oscars post (hey Jen!), here is my recap of the 81st Annual Academy Awards.

Overall impression? Yawn. Don't get me wrong, I was really happy with most of the wins, but it was all so predictable. You know it's a dull show when the only major upset is in the Best Foreign Language Film category. 

So let's get to the high points, shall we? First and foremost, the Academy wisely decided not to turn Kate Winslet into the new Martin Scorsese and gave her a damn Oscar. I shrieked a little when it happened, not gonna lie. I also thought her speech was great, and very endearing. Whose heart didn't melt when she reacted to her dad's whistle? Or when she said "Well it's not a shampoo bottle now"? I guess her supposedly dramatic Golden Globes speech didn't hurt her in the least, so all you critical (read: stuffy and heartless) British journalists can shove it. 

I'm happy to say I was pleasantly surprised by Judd Apatow's comedy bit with Seth Rogen and James Franco. Personally I thought Pineapple Express was a disappointment, but this sketch was pretty hilarious. It's hard to pick a favorite part; there's the two stoners laughing hysterically at The Reader, Franco confusing Robert Downey Jr. with Barack Obama and even Saving Private Ryan director of photography Janusz Kaminski hanging out/cuddling with the pair. But I'd probably go with the moment where James Franco watches himself in Milk.  

Speaking of Milk, how about screenwriter Dustin Lance Black's speech? Call me a sap, but I thought that was the most touching Oscar speech I've ever heard. I almost cried, and this is coming from a person who has probably shed a tear at no more than 10 movies in her lifetime. The Academy has certainly come a long way since 2005, when it didn't have the guts to give the Best Picture Oscar to Brokeback Mountain.

I was also really happy with the Slumdog (almost) sweep. I know the backlash against it is now in full swing, but I still freakin' love that movie. If nothing else, the Oscars satisfied my insatiable need to see the cast and Danny Boyle at all times. They're the happiest people on earth (for good reason), and seeing them you just can't help but smile too. My only question is where was the exact replication of the Bollywood dance from the credits?

Because, let's be honest, it would have been a gajillion times better than that ode to the musical that Hugh Jackman and Beyonce led. There were way too many songs in there, which caused a lot of classics to get stiffed about five bars. Plus the performers really weren't that impressive. Boring maybe, but not impressive. If Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron are the ones bringing the musical back, as Jackman declared, then I want no part of this revival.

Lastly, even though the Academy fulfilled my Kate Winslet and Slumdog Millionaire requests and even though I knew this was coming, it pains me that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is now an Oscar winner. The inevitable proclamations on the DVD cover are likely to turn me into Bruce Banner, so please be warned and hide any copies once they're released.

Fred Astaire+Michael Jackson=The New PB & J

Okay, I have a sad truth to admit: before my Hollywood Musical class this semester, I had never seen a Fred Astaire movie. Having now enjoyed The Band Wagon, Top Hat and all the numbers of Easter Parade, I realize what an absolute crime that was. Not only is Fred one of the most amazingly talented dancers I've ever seen, he's so adorable! I dare you to watch any of his movies, or even just the first thirty seconds of "Cheek to Cheek" and not fall a little bit in love with him. And if his talent and charm weren't enough, listen to this: some imdb snooping has informed me that he was the narrator of the claymation classic Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town. So I think it's time to add him to my list of obsessions, and work on suppressing my enormous envy of Ginger Rogers.

But onto the real reason for my post. While searching for Fred numbers to use for my class paper, I came across this brilliant YouTube video. Some wonderful, wonderful person combined the genius of Fred Astaire with the genius of '80s Michael Jackson in the following mash-up, which I've watched at least five times since my initial discovery. They've specifically sampled the Girl Hunt Ballet from The Band Wagon, a sort of film noir in dance form which also features the stunning Cyd Charisse. 

The first minute or so of this mash-up is Fred-less and thus a little unnecessary, but I'll leave it up to you whether to skip ahead or not. Regardless, I hope you're ready to have your mind blown.

The Obligatory [Pre-]Oscar Post

C’mon, you knew this was coming sooner or later. I blog about movies; you can’t expect me to snub the Oscars, even if they've snubbed the likes of Cary Grant and Stanley freakin' Kubrick.

*Deep breath* I digress. The Oscar nominations come out in just three more days and before they’re released, I wanted to share a sort of wishlist with all of you, and the Academy, who I’m sure bookmarked this blog long ago. Some of the items on here are, well, a little improbable but it's Martin Luther King Day and dammit, I have a dream!

I don't really know how I can top that horrible reference, so without further ado, I present my Oscar wishlist:

1. A complete Benjamin Button shut-out

Am I the only one who thought this movie was an absolute disaster? Almost anyone who’s seen it will say “It was a little too long…” but no one has the guts to speak the truth: it was crap. It pains me to admit this as a Cate Blanchett fanatic, but the characters (even hers) were bland and the story was a mess – one of the most superficial that I’ve ever seen (bet you thought that stupid backwards clock, or Hurricane Katrina tie-in, was going to go somewhere but nope sorry! We were too busy adding 43598743895 other underdeveloped and boring storylines to flesh that out). I will grant that the visuals were stunning, which is why I won’t get grumpy over an Art Direction win, but please for the love of God do not let this movie get a Best Picture nod (or even worse, win) over its far more deserving competitors. Which brings me to my second point…

2. Some Revolutionary Road love

First of all, let me say that I had to work to see this movie. I have no idea why the distributors decided to put a Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet movie in five theaters across the nation, but they did and it was pretty frustrating. It would be very easy for me to have some mild, irrational resentment towards Revolutionary Road because of the inconvenience, but I have none at all; I absolutely loved it. The movie was devastating and haunting, the questions it raised were complex and interesting and Kate and Leo gave two enthralling performances. So why oh why is it being almost completely overlooked? I truly believe it merits Best Picture and Best Director nods, but I can deal with those snubs, even though I’m seething that Benjamin Button will probably get both. It’s nothing sort of criminal, however, that Leo is almost certainly going to be ignored (yet again). If Brad “so dull I considered tearing my hair out to spice things up” Pitt gets the slot over Leo, I will be sorely disappointed. And by sorely disappointed, I mean I might punch a hole in a wall.

3. A nod for Robert Downey, Jr. in Tropic Thunder

Argue the movie’s weaknesses with me all you want, but Robert Downey, Jr. absolutely deserves a nomination for Tropic Thunder. What he pulled off was nothing sort of genius. A lesser actor would no doubt have inspired enormous public outrage, but he turned the role into one of the most hilarious in recent memory, and kept it controversy-free. He gave a quote to Entertainment Weekly in March of ’08 that pretty much sums the whole thing up (leave it to him to do everything right): “If [the part is] done right, it could be the type of role you called Peter Sellers to do 35 years ago. If you don’t do it right, we’re going to hell.” Robert, needless to say you are definitely not going to hell. (You're going to comedy heaven! High five, anyone?)

4. Slumdog Millionaire Best Picture win

Having seen all the major BP contenders, (excepting longshot The Wrestler), I’m officially pulling for Slumdog Millionaire. It’s not only one of the most inspiring movies I’ve seen in years, it’s just a wonderfully made film that deserves every one of its accolades. Now, I wouldn’t be outraged if Milk pulled an upset and took the prize, but Slumdog is still my number one and, from the way the awards season has been going, it may very well receive this honor. Lest you doubt its merit, I dare you to watch this and not hand over the award right away (if you haven't seen the movie, though, start it at about 1:07):

5. More Ricky Gervais

Let’s see: he was hilarious at the Emmys, hilarious at the Golden Globes and is generally a hilarious guy. It still mystifies me that Hugh Jackman and not Ricky is hosting the Oscars, but I’ll settle for another one of his amusing award presentations.

Oh right, and give Kate Winslet a damn Oscar!

Why "Commando" Is the Greatest Movie Ever

I used to think of myself as a semi-authority (let me repeat semi-authority) on movies, but boy was I ever delusional. Disregard everything I've ever said about them, because I hadn't realized their full potential until a few days ago, when I watched Commando. 

What is Commando you ask? Well, as my post title indicates, it's only the most amazing cinematic achievement ever. It's also a 1985 action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and teeny Alyssa Milano as an inseparable father and daughter named John and Jenny Matrix (wait, it gets better). When some baddies (including Ahnold's former military partner!) kidnap the little girl, John Matrix goes on a freakin' rampage and KILLS THEM ALL. And when I say rampage, I don't mean a wussy Mark Wahlberg rampage or a pansy Bruce Willis shoot-out. You would get pretty hammered if you took a shot every time John Matrix kills someone, with or without a gun. And by hammered, I mean you would OD. Since everyone should see this movie ASAP, I've compiled a list of 15 reasons why Commando beats the crap out of Citizen Kane:

1. The fantastic, never-ending synth music.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s muscles.
3. John Matrix’s puns, including but not limited to “Please don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired,” and “I eat Green Berets for breakfast.  And right now, I’m very hungry!”
4. The theme song “We Fight for Love” by POWER STATION (yes, the all caps are necessary).
5. John Matrix’s kill count: 81.
6. The fact that John Matrix’s swim wear is a black Speedo.
7. The most ridiculous explosion sequence I’ve ever seen, which, my friends noted, must have been Michael Bay’s career inspiration.

8. John Matrix’s minimalist comebacks.

9. The way John Matrix wills things to work for him, like a flipped car…or choppa!

10. The villainous Bennett’s insistence on wearing chainmail.

11. Two words: war paint.
12. The opening credits of John and Jenny Matrix eating ice cream, petting a deer, fishing...Arnold can be sensitive too!
13. The magical backroom of guns and rocket launchers John Matrix happens upon.
14. The inclusion of the country of Val Verde, a made-up South American nation similar to Cuba and Nicaragua that moviemakers used to avoid diplomatic complications in not just Commando but Predator and Die Hard 2.  

And finally,

15. The line “I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes…I’m going to shoot you between the balls!”  

More Angry Movie-Themed Poetry!

Before I get to that promised poetry, I was just wondering if anyone else was as excited as me for the new Clint Eastwood movie. No, not Gran Torino, silly. The eerily similar but ultimately more effective display of Eastwood's talents, The Growler.

Clint Eastwood in The Growler - watch more funny videos

See why I can't take him seriously anymore?

Now, onto the real point of this post. So I know I'm going to get accused of being a fangirl (or at the very least an unoriginal blogger) for this, but I'm pretty freakin' pissed at Fox right now. I've been going out of my mind with excitement each time I see a trailer for Watchmen (which is a lot), find a new film still or read even the teeniest blurb about it, and now I might not ever get to see it. That is not healthy, Fox. All that pent up excitement and no pay-off? I might spontaneously combust. And it would be all your fault. 

All. Your. Fault.

Since I can't pull off an angry dance quite as well as Kevin Bacon, or even Bret McKenzie, I turn to angsty poetry once again. The following is as of yet untitled, and may not live up to Ode to Nicolas Cage, but here goes nothing (please bear with me on the weird formatting; I had a couple one-word danglers, and graphics class has made me OCD about that):

Fox, you really suck. / If you were a food, the only word to describe you would be yuck. / You make me want to say something else that rhymes / With suck and yuck many, many times.

Why did you wait so long to sue over Watchmen? / Correct me if I'm wrong when / I say that - you'll know this you're so bright - / You're something called a movie studio, right?

Yeah, movie studios tend to know about this stuff. / Passing projects like the WB's under your radar is pretty tough, / Especially when it's been widely publicized since December 2005. / Were you too busy making Dr. Doolittle 3 to pay any mind?

This makes me think you don't really have a claim, / 'Cause see, most people, with or without your fame, / Tend to watch their property, rather than wait years to moan and groan / About a sure to be stunning movie they were too stupid to make on their own.

You took away Arrested Development, one of the greatest shows ever / While making Date Movie, Epic Movie and other terrible endeavors. / So please back off Warner Bros. you low-down dirty ho, / Or next time you look up and shout "save us," I'll whisper hell no.